The Gayest Things I've Heard in Football Commentary This Week: Part 1

Yes, we all know about the lousy officiating, and how some of the coaches and players are livid about the shitty calls made by the replacement refs.

Pictured: Bill Belichick and a retarded person




But have you heard - I mean REALLY HEARD - what the commentators say during a game? If taken just slightly out of context, some of their comments could mean drastically different things.

So this is why I've decided to start a new blog entry dedicated to THE GAYEST THINGS I'VE HEARD IN FOOTBALL THIS WEEK.

And by "gay" I don't mean the derogatory way stupid assholes use it in conversation. No, I mean in the this-dude-sounds-like-he-wants-to-make-sweet-love-to-that-other-dude kind of way.

Pictured: Dude I would make sweet love to.





So, here it is. The first installment of THE GAYEST THINGS I'VE HEARD IN FOOTBALL COMMENTARY THIS WEEK.




FIRST UP: THE DETROIT LIONS/TENNESSEE TITANS GAME, SUNDAY, SEPT. 23

as heard on Detroit's 97.1 FM radio

“You’ve gotta bang that guy off. You can’t let him release like that.” @ 3:25 mark, in the third quarter.

“Calvin (Johnson, Detroit receiver) is beatin’ his jam…! You’ve gotta beat the jam, gotta get your release!” @ 1:14, third quarter

“He’s stiff ramming his way to the zone!” @ :36, fourth quarter

(In reference to quarterback Sean Hill)“He needed 12 inches and he didn’t get it.” @6:41 in overtime




SECOND UP: THE BALTIMORE RAVENS/NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS GAME, SUNDAY, SEPT. 23

as heard on NBC TV

(In reference to Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco) “The quickness of his release (was great). Some guys, five-nine, five-ten, can’t release that quick. But he knows how to use his hands rather well!” – courtesy of NFL commentator Joe Buck (which is coincidentally the name of Jon Voight’s male prostitute character in “Midnight Cowboy”).

Well, that's it. I hope you enjoyed this first installment, you goddamn pervert. Stop by next week for more hot, implied dude on dude action.

P.S. I went an entire blog without using the word "fuck"! My language is starting to...

Never mind.

I Made a Movie About Mohammed and All I Got was this Lousy Jihad

So, a few days ago (on Sept. 11th 2012... and there's something VERY familiar about that date) U.S. Ambassador Chris Stevens and two others were killed in Libya in an attack from Muslim extremists who were upset about some crappy Youtube movie (I don't know what the title is; I'm too lazy to look it up) that portrayed the Islamic prophet Mohammed as a fool and a womanizer instead of the peace loving messenger of Allah that he truly is. So to make this case that Mohammed loves peace and all people, they KILLED CHRIS STEVENS.

Peace. You're doing it wrong.


Now to us non-religious folks killing in the name of any god is like beating the shit out of someone in the name of Superman. Both are fucking stupid. But at least the Superman scenario will sound a lot more entertaining in a court of law.

Unless of course, this guy was the judge.


But be that as it may, a lot of talk is going around the internet: should Obama retaliate against these attacks? The answer: of course he should! Maybe not in a full scale, bombs-dropping-from-the-sky-making-you-shit-yourself sort of way. Maybe it should be just like how we got bin Laden... you know, except not take 10 years to do it. Send a small group of Norris and Stallone imitators in and turn 'em loose!

But maybe without the Stallone porn-stach.


And besides, it works out best for everyone, even the extremists. Think about it. If they're killed whilst in the throes of protecting their religion or preaching their religion or, frankly, oppressing someone else's religion in the name of their religion, then they'll be considered martyrs. And martyrs get a pretty sweet deal in Islam. They get a high place in the afterlife.

You know, it's kind of like how the Klingons think... except the Klingons are much more entertaining. And they'll kill you for much more legit reasons, not because you made a fucking movie or drew a goddamn picture.

And the afterlife martyrs get to cornhole 72 virgins for all eternity. But going along with this idea, I have some questions.

1.) Where do the virgins come from? Are they already there in the afterlife, or are they from the souls of ladies here on Earth? And if so, where are they? Because I've always put virgins in the same category as vampires and unicorns: we all know about them, but they don't fucking exist.

Pictured: Some of the 72 virgins.


2.) After you have sex with all of your 72 virgins for the first time, they cease to be virgins, so what's the sustaining element here? The luster wears off after a little while doesn't it?

3.) And finally, compare virgins to experienced MILFs, and the experienced MILFs win, hands down, every time. If you're going to give someone a reward by way of sex, wouldn't you want that sex to come from a lady that knows her shiznit?!

It's all confusing.

But here's one thing I do understand about Muslim extremism: I totally get why they do it. I don't agree with it. I hate it. I think it's awful. But I understand.

Because let's face it, if I grew up in an area of the world that told me that I couldn't drink beer, eat bacon, and stare at tits, I would totally volunteer to blow myself up in a market place with a bomb.

Or fly a plane into a building.

Or kill you happily. Yes. You. The person reading these words. I would totally kill you. Slowly. With a butter knife. And feel nothing.

But, hey, as long as it's done in the name of peace and for a completely rational reason such as retaliating for a movie that I didn't like, then it's all good, right?

Seven Days of Douche-Baggery

According to Rush Limbaugh, if a woman is on birth control she is “a slut.” And according to Kirk Cameron, gay people are “unnatural.” And according to Ron Paul if you live in a tornado zone you should just shut up and get “insurance” because the victims don’t deserve any federal aid. I’ve waited a few days to rant on these topics simply because with the way the douche-baggery has been ramped up as of late I was waiting to see if Sean Hannity would pull a trump card and rape and eat a golden retriever on live television. Since the canine rape/eat factor hasn’t come into play as of late, I’ll just go ahead and fire off some salvos of aggression.

RUSH: Roll the Bone(head)s

As far as Limbaugh goes, he’s an asshole. Plain and simple. See, unlike Limbaugh, I let people’s actions define who they are and then I call them like I see them. Rush had never met Sandra Fluke, never spoke with her, never was in the presence of her, and he called her a slut and whore because she had the audacity to speak out in favor of birth control in front of congress. There is no proof that she’s a slut, nor is there proof that she’s a whore. However, there is ample evidence to suggest that Limbaugh is an asshole.




See, one aspect of being an asshole is being a hypocrite. Limbaugh said that all drug addicts need to be deported, but then got busted a few years later for buying hefty amounts of oxycontin to feed his drug habit. See? Asshole by way of hypocrisy.



Another aspect of being an asshole is to be an accusatory dickhead without any basis in fact or reality. He accused Michael J. Fox of “acting” and “shaking all around” in an ad that supported stem cell research. He basically said Fox was faking his Parkinson’s Disease just to get people to vote in favor of stem cell research. Asshole by way of accusation.



But then again, maybe Rush knew what he was talking about. After all, if there’s one person that knows what it’s like to be off of pills, it’s Rush Fucking Limbaugh.

Rush has since apologized to Fluke, but Fluke, rightfully, didn’t accept it. And of course a part of his “apology” cites him as saying that by calling Fluke a slut and a whore, he “sank to level of the left.” And here we come to yet another aspect of being an asshole: a detachment from reality. Where is there proof of someone on the left accusing a person of being a slut or a whore when they just want to use birth control? And, frankly, in Limbaugh’s logic, if a woman who uses birth control is a slut, does that mean that a man who uses condoms is a rapist? Or if the guy pulls out, is he engaging in behavior akin to a coward? Or if he has a vasectomy, does this mean he had a sex change operation? In Limbaugh’s twisted little mind, yes, these things are probably true.

So we can deduce, ladies and gentlemen, that there is no basis in fact to call Sandra Fluke a slut, but there is ample evidence to infer that Rush Limbaugh is an asshole. See? Logic can be fun!


CAPT. KIRK

Kirk Cameron is also an asshole. Again I can infer this because every time he opens his mouth he sounds like an asshole.

Recently on Piers Morgan’s show, Cameron said that homosexuality basically is “ultimately destructive so many of the foundations of civilization.” He apparently fell asleep in history class when they spoke about those stupid little things called the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Salem witch trials, the rise of the Third Reich, the Great Purges, Maoism, Pol Pot, and some other shit that caused some hiccups throughout the course of humanity.

See, I’ve hated Kirk Cameron for awhile. Back in the 90s when he found Jesus (who had apparently been in Orange County the WHOLE TIME!) he started prancing around on the set of his shitty show, “Growing Pains”, like a self-righteous prima donna. Whenever there were storylines that involved some aspect of sex, Cameron would act like a prick and accuse ABC of peddling porn, and then he’d threaten to quit the show, etc. etc. Then, in 1990, when it was revealed that actress Julie McCullough had posed in “Playboy” (she was Playmate of the Month, Feb. 1986) he had her fired and said, basically, that she was going to Hell, thus helping eradicate her career.



Nice move, asshole.

Oh, and then there’s the way he handled his friend’s disappearance. Back in Feb. 2010, actor Andrew Koenig went missing. Koening played Boner on “Growing Pains” and slipped into deep depression years later (probably because he played Boner on “Growing Pains”). When he failed to catch a plane back to California from Vancouver, his family filed a missing person’s report.




Cameron went on CNN and asked his friend to come back home and said that he would be praying for his return. God apparently was too busy helping sports teams win a game because Koenig was found hanging from a tree in Stanley Park. His death was ruled a suicide.



Cameron said that he was continuing to pray for Koenig’s family, but said nothing about Koenig, probably because his ardent religious beliefs lead him to think that Koenig is in Hell. Again, nice move, asshole.


RON PAUL (George and Ringo)

And now we come to Ron Paul, a man who says that people who live in tornado zones shouldn’t get federal aid money because they should already have insurance (even the poor, unemployed, and underemployed) and federal money isn’t really “money” because it’s just stolen from the states and workers. No seriously. He said that.



I like some of Ron Paul’s stances. I think the IRS needs to be ended and sovereign nations shouldn’t be invaded and our money should be spent wisely and not stupidly. I also like that he’s against the Patriot Act, domestic spying, and for lowering taxes. But as far as his stances on abortion and separation of church and state, he’s a penis-face.




And really what kind of chafes my teats about his whole ideology in not wanting to help the tornado victims is that it violates something that his boss once said.

“Sell all that you have and distribute it to the poor.”

And by his boss I mean Jesus Christ.

That’s a bad Christian, Mr. Paul. Bad, bad Christian.

Why I Don't Go Out in Public Much Part Four

Why do I do it? Why do I come here? Why do I set foot in the China Buffet? I know I'm going to hate it. I know it's going to probably give me the runs. But like an abused housewife, I keep going back for more. Like a Cleveland Browns fan, I'm drunk on hope. Like a Justin Beiber fan, I'm a fucking moron.

But today was oh so special. Today confirmed my long-held belief that some of us in this society need to be eliminated. I know, I know, that's a very harsh statement. How dare I look down on my fellow human beings. But today, I hope you will hear my story and understand where I'm coming from, because, dear reader, it is a true story.

So I'm sitting there at the China Buffet eating the stuff that passes for "food" when three people, a boyfriend and girlfriend who look as if they've just come from an Insane Clown Posse concert, and a young man looking to be in his early 20s. The couple have a young child with them, looking to be around 2 years old. The couple puts the kid in a high chair and head over to the buffet. After a minute of sitting there with the baby, the young guy gets up AND LEAVES THE KID BY HIMSELF.

YEAH. HE LEFT A BABY ALONE. BY HIMSELF. ALONE!!!

It took the - quote, unquote - parents about three or four minutes to get back to the table. And when they did, the guy asked his female squeeze, "Where's Jimmy?" And she said (and I'm quoting verbatim), "I ain't know."

Finally, the cunt called Jimmy comes back to the table and the female troglodyte says to Jimmy the Cunt, "Jimmy you ain't suppose ta leave a kid by his-self."

To which cunt-ball Jimmy says, "Ha... I told you I ain't good with kids. I ain't jokin' when I say I shouldn' have 'em. HUH-HUH-HUH."

And they laughed and laughed. Momma laughed. Daddy laughed. Cunt-face Jimmy laughed. The kid didn't laugh though. Probably because he was the most intelligent person at the table.

The funny thing is, the kid didn't cry once when he was left by himself, or search around to see where his parents were, or throw a fit. More than likely because the little guy sensed he was better off.

Jesus Christ. People piss me off.

Strongly Worded Letters to Inanimate Objects Part Three: “Kiss My Ass, Fortune Cookie”

Dear Fortune Cookie That Led Me to Believe I Could Be a Jedi,

So there I was letting my Mu Goo Gai Pan digest when I cracked you open and read the following:

“You will experience the force and it will change your life.”

Holy tits, I thought. I’m gonna be a Jedi! I'll be as cool as the fuckin' guy to the left!!



But then I read it again.

“You will experience a force that will change your life.”

Damn it! I wasn’t going to be a Jedi at all! That’s a bunch of shit to make me not read more good, dumbass fortune cookie!

In fact, I got so mad that I started jumping up and down and screaming and started punching things (the wall, the table, a nun), which freaked out the rest of the people in the restaurant. BUT I DIDN’T CARE! I was mad!

But, when I was jumping up and down it must’ve knocked something loose inside me because I crapped my pants and when I smelled the crap, it made me puke, and when some old lady saw me puke, she puked, and some baby that was sitting in a high chair crapped his pants too, and then the owner came out and saw all the puke and the shit and then he puked and shit, and then the owners wife came out and she puked and shit, too, and she also, for some reason, peed and for some reason when I saw her pee, I went pee and my pee mixed with my puke and shit and I had to drive home like that – caked in my own filth! AND I HAD PLANNED ON PICKING UP A NICE YOUNG LADY (see: prostitute) THIS EVENING! BUT NOW I CAN’T BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO HOME AND SHOWER FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS MONTH!

What the hell, fortune cookie?! This is all your fault!

But having said that, you were pretty tasty. Keep up the good work.

Yours,
Mike

So This is... Christmas?

It’s always amusing this time of year. If it weren’t for those two mortal enemies of populous, average thought (logic and reasonable thinking), you might start to believe all the buzz words and phrases that seem to crop up on “Fox News” and “The 700 Club” when the wind turns cold and the jolly guy invites your kids to sit on his lap (I mean Santa Claus, not Jerry Sandusky).

You’ve heard it: “Keep ‘Christ’ in Christmas!” “Say NO to ‘Happy Holidays’”, and, of course, “There’s a War on Christmas!”

Really? So, what exactly IS a War on Christmas? Are roving gangs of Jewish militants sabotaging the Christmas cards? Are they covertly replacing eggnog with Manischewitz wine, ham with gefilta fish, the “White Christmas” DVD with a Mel Brooks movie? Or have “the gays” formed a FABULOUS militia infiltrated our military? (According to the Village People they already have our Navy.)

It’s kind of funny when certain Christians complain that their traditional Christmas values are under attack. After all, Christmas does celebrate the birth of Christ, but the pageantry surrounding it (lights in the trees, giving gifts, etc.) is rooted in Pagan tradition (as is Easter). So, do you have a tree in your home? Did you put up lights? Will you exchange gifts? If so, you’re engaging in a partially-Pagan tradition!

What I’m asking, brothers and sisters, is this: Why are you complaining that so many groups are trying to enforce their traditions and beliefs on you when you’ve already adopted the traditions of other groups (the Pagans) well over a couple of centuries ago? Simply BECAUSE you celebrate Christmas in the manner that you do (gifts, lights, trees, etc.), is proof enough that you were willing and able to let other groups combine with your own traditions to form a whole new way of celebration!

So, I ask you, what’s the freakin’ problem?

Maybe the biggest enemy on Christian values this time of year isn’t an outside force.

Maybe it’s hypocrisy.

But as far as getting offended over the term “Happy Holidays” is concerned, maybe we should just come up with a new holiday slogan that can appease everyone and slight no one’s belief system.

How about:

“May whatever god/goddess/thing you worship bring you peace/happiness, try real hard not to fight with/offend/kill anyone that doesn’t think like you, and, above all, know when to keep your mouth shut, and be willing to admit that you don’t have all the fucking answers.”

Yeah, it’s probably too long for a Hallmark card, but at least I’m trying.

Strongly Worded Letters to Inanimate Objects Part Two: "Indian Food"

Dear Plate of Indian Food that I Ate Which Caused Me to Shit Uncontrollably for Two Days,

Indian Food, I will put it plainly: you have wrecked my asshole. Not even my former priest Father Daniel “Tell No One” O’Neal can lay claim to that. So, should I congratulate you? Well, I WILL NOT! I refuse to bestow a congratulatory handshake, because you don’t have hands, and even if you did have hands I wouldn’t shake your hands! SO THERE!

What I would like to do is kick you in the balls, but I can’t, because you have no balls, but if you did, you could CONSIDER THOSE BALLS KICKED, MOTHERFUCKER!

How is it that something that takes but an hour to cook and twenty minutes to eat end up fucking up my shit for forty-eight hours? And by “fucking up my shit” I literally mean my shit is fucked up! Seriously! Oh, dear God, the burning! And the diarrhea, oh, the endless diarrhea! You know, I had wondered my entire life why people from India talk so fast. It’s not because of their culture, it’s simply because they’re trying to wrap up the conversations as soon as possible so they can get to the nearest fucking toilet!




GHANDI WAS NOT DOING ANYTHING NOBLE DURING HIS HUNGER STRIKE! NO, NO! HE JUST COULDN’T STAND THE FOOD ANYMORE!

You are like the Kid Rock of foodstuffs, Indian Food – you turn my stomach, you won’t go away, and you’ve hung around way too fucking long. At least you had the decency to not ruin songs by Warren Zevon and Metallica. BUT THAT’S THE ONLY COMPLIMENT YOU SHALL GET FROM ME!

Here’s the thing: I am writing this on my laptop whilst it balances on my clenched knees as I sit on my toilet, trying my damndest to push any remaining remnant of you out of my system. But it is a battle I fear I cannot win. I feel like Napoleon at Waterloo! Custer at Little Big Horn! And that One Guy who got his Ass Kicked at that One Place that One Time!

Indian Food, if there be a just God in this universe, may He send thee to the Darkest Pits of Hell so that yea may rot for eternity! Or to Detroit. Whichever.

(Un)sincerely,
Mike

Strongly Worded Letters to Inanimate Objects, Part One: "Fuck You, Pop-Tart"

Dear Pop-Tart I was eating this morning that decided to break in half,

Fuck you.

Seriously.

There I was, eating you, cramming your frosted strawberry goodness into my pie hole when you, whilst I was nary half way through devouring your splendid succulence (F.Y.I. "Spendid Succulence" is the title of my forthcoming smooth jazz album), decided it was in YOUR BEST INTEREST to break in half! Who does something like that? Who gives up on being eaten half way through, besides my last girlfriend?


I could've been as happy as the little asshole on the left, you dumbass Pop-Tart!




So, you break in half, and what happens?! You bewitch me with a spell that renders all cognitive sense inside me mute! Yes, that’s what happened. That has to be what happened, stupid fucking Pop-Tart, because when the uneaten portion of your fruitful geometry (F.Y.I. "Fruitful Geometry" is the title of my forthcoming gay porno, and "Forthcoming" is also the name of the planned sequel) began falling to the floor, I tried to grab you with my other hand. THE OTHER HAND THAT CONTAINED A GLASS OF WATER! Yes! A glass! Of water! Who tries to catch something in a hand that’s already filled, I ask you, you stupid, asshole, cunt Pop-Tart! Me! That’s who! Yes, the bedazzled and brutally blinded buffoon that you made me, shit-sucking, twat-bag, Pop-Tart.


Seriously, Pop-Tart, go fuck yourself.

Seriously.



So there I stood, water splashing onto my shoes and onto my new copy of National Geographic (actually, it was Hustler), with only HALF of the Pop-Tart for which I paid good unlaundered money for and NO WATER LEFT IN MY CUP! Thanks for ruining my day, asshole Pop-Tart!

This must be exactly what Jesus was feeling when the Jews were whipping Him! Oh God, why have you forsaken me?!

Pop-Tart, take a seat. I want to express my full disdain for you. If you had a face, I’d punch you in your stupid fucking strawberry frosted face! Pop-Tart, if you had balls, I’d kick you in your gooey, artificially flavored balls. (Actually, that sounds gross. NOTE TO SELF: Strike that sentence before it goes out for final edit!)

Pop-Tart, if you had a mother I’d call her a bitch right to your stupid face. But you don’t have a mother! Or a father! HAHA! YOU’RE AN ORPHAN! FUCK YOU!

So, in conclusion, rot in Hell half of the Pop-Tart that I paid the FULL price for! (And yes, I know that I ended that sentence with a proposition, but, piss off, don’t correct me on MY grammar, you stupid-ass, shitheaded, communist, giving-up-half-way-through, lazy-ass Pop-Tart!)

Fuck you, Pop-Tart.

Seriously.

Fuck you.


I Loved You… Once,
Mike

Why I Don't Go Out in Public Much Part Three

This is getting ridiculous, and, furthermore, ricockulous.

So, once again, I'm at Panera Bread...

You'd think I'd learn my lesson, but no. I don't know why I keep going back there. I don't drink coffee. I'm not attracted to any woman that works there. I don't have any sort of bouts of nirvana-esque clarity. So, why do I keep going there? Hell, I don't know.

Anyway...

I'm waiting in line. There's an older woman in front of me. And by "older" I mean "fucking old". She's a crone. A craggy looking humanoid from a bygone era. Anyway, she orders a tea. The guy behind the counter tells her the total and she starts looking through her purse for her debit card.

And she looks.

And she looks.

And she looks.

This goes on - I shit you negative - for five minutes.

You're probably thinking, "No, it didn't! You're exaggerating, asshole!"

If it were an average day, I would say you're right. But not today. No. It took her five minutes. You wanna know how I know that?

I FUCKING TIMED HER!

I was patient for a minute. Hostile for the second minute. For the remaining three, I decided to stand there just to see how long it was going to take her to find her goddamn card. Some people rubberneck at trainwrecks. I rubberneck at human trainwrecks.

So, as Grandma Moses finally comes to the conclusion that St. Anthony is not going to come out of the fucking sky and place her fucking card in her purse, she decides it's in her best interest to check her pants pocket.

GUESS WHAT SHE FINDS!?!?

Her card.

She pays - finally - and I go up to the counter. The young-ish bloke at the register whispers, "Sorry about the wait." I nod. "What can I get ya?" he asks.

I clear my parched throat and say, "I'll take a small fountain drink a DVD copy of 'Logan's Run' please."

He almost looses it, but he keeps his composure.



But the fun doesn't end there, no, no, no.

I take a seat and start searching through the internet. A little girl walks over to where I'm sitting. Comes closer. Closer. And then tries to crawl into my fucking lap!

"Get away, would you!" I yell at the kid.

I was waiting for Chris Hanson to come out from around the corner!

I would be a lot more tolerant if the kid was a toddler, but she looked to be about 7 or 8!

I look over and her mother is just sitting there reading the damn paper.

"Excuse me!"

She looks up, her eyes as lost and as empty as a retarded boy trying to absorb the Schrodinger's Cat hypothesis. (Look it up.)

"Is this your kid?!"

"Yeah."

"Could you please tell her not to tr and crawl into the laps of strangers?!"

"Oh. Okay. Ellie, come here."

The kid goes over to her mother, but not for long. A few minutes later, she goes over to a group of teenagers trying to do homework. They are more forgiving than I. They let her hang around. So the kid starts goofing off in the booth and she does this thing where she slides, head first, to the floor. The buckle of her little belt catches on the corner of the booth and her fucking pants fall down!

There she is, on the floor of Panera Bread, bare-assed, without a care in the fucking world, and her mother, the human-bovine that she is, lost in the "Family Circus" comic or the colorful array of coupons.

The kid pulls her pants up. I close my laptop. The mother breathes through her mouth. I get up and leave and swear to myself that I'm never going back again.

But, like an abused housewife, I'll be back. At least I can admit it to myself.

But when I go back, I won't hope for fresh food, a clean restroom, or a friendly wait staff. I don't anticipate that the soup will be good, that the soft drinks will be bubbly, that the floors will be swept. No. The only thing I can hope for is that, next time, no attempted reverse-pedophilia will take place, nor will I have to wait in line behind a person who's lived way past the point of their expiration date.

That's all.

So, the next time you're trapped in line or you hear an obnoxious kid getting on your nerves, please think of me. I hope you smile, because I didn't.

Why I Don't Go Out Much Part Two

Actual conversation overheard at Panera Bread.

GIRL: "Why do you watch that show 'The Big Bang Theory'? Aren't you a Christian?!"

GUY: "Yeah."

GIRL: "But isn't that show about Darwin and stuff?!"

GUY: "No, it's about college kids!"

GIRL: "Oh. But still... That title's enough to not make me want to watch it because it denies God!"


Well, I didn't NEED a reason to drink today, but...

Why I Don't Go Out Much

So I'm at Michigan Bar and Grille Friday night after work. Next to me are two older couples having drinks at the bar and talking about recent movies they've seen. The first movie they discuss is "Black Swan".

GUY 1: "Aw, that thing was a piece of shit!:

LADY 1: "Yeah, it wasn't good at all!"

LADY 2: "Really?!"

GUY 1: "Yeah, and, you know, that might actually win some Grammys! I wouldn't be surprised!"

Really? Grammys? I would be surprised. I buried my face in my lemon chicken...

Well, not really.

Then, next up, "The Tourist".

LADY 1: "I didn't like that at all! But I love Johnny Depp!"

LADY 2: "Oh, so do I! I love him in the 'Pirates' movies! What else has he been in?!"

I nearly choked. "'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'! 'Ed Wood'! 'Dead Man', damn it!'" I didn't see "The Tourist" mostly because it looked boring, but for (insert chosen deity's name here)'s sake, if you're going to claim to love an actor shouldn't you know at least a few of the other things he's been in?!

That's what I wanted to say, but I didn't. So, I just drowned myself in beer...

Well, not really.

Next: "True Grit".

LADY 1: "I didn't like that one either!"

GUY 1: "Me neither!"

GUY 2: "Yeah, John Wayne was much better! So much better!"

(Daydream sequence: I break the glass I'm drinking out of and stick it into their juggulars and casually go back to watching the boxing match on TV.)

Then they start talking about their favorite TV shows. They love "Wipeout". It, to them, is the greatest thing on television. They love "Two and a Half Men" and hope Charlie Sheen gets back to work right away.

See, folks, T.S. Eliot had it wrong. THIS is the way the world ends. Not with a bang or a whimper, but with a million average idiots staring hypnotized at their TV screens, drool leaking from their Cheeto-stuffed mouths, with the mild ejaculation of tittering filling the room, like that of a mongoloid staring into a funhouse mirror for the first time in his or her life.

We are doomed. We are doomed one and all.

I Know Why the Caged Sheen Snorts

I just read that Charlie Sheen will chip in and pay the salaries of all the people who work on "Two and a Half Men" while he's having another go at rehab. And then I thought: Why? Why would someone who has almost everything at his disposal, who could get almost any woman that he wanted, who has more money than some third world countries have at their command, wreck his life like this?

And then it hit me: I know why this guy does more coke than Pablo Escobar hanging out at Tony Montana's place while Keith Richards and Slash provide the evenings' entertainment. It's probably because Charlie, through stints of hitting the crack pipe and watching porn, came to the realization that he feels guilty. Not that he feels guilty of letting down the people on "Two and a Half Men", no, he feels guilty because he's on the show "Two and a Half Men".

Seriously, have you ever watched that fucking thing? I've seen jihad execution videos with more belly laughs. If I was stuck delivering shitty lines next to Matthew Broderick-Lite (Jon Cryer), I'd stick my face in a pile of blow, drink a fifth of Jack, and smoke as much crack as I could every goddamn day of my - quote, unquote - life.

And, really, why is it called "Two and a Half Men"? Have you seen the size of that kid? It should be called "Two Guys, a Girth, and a Pizza Place" (that's a shout-out to my man-crush Ryan Reynolds, FYI).

Seriously, as soon as Charlie gets out of rehab, he should skip going back to that septic tank of a show, call up Jim Abrams and make "Hot Shots 3". Maybe Jeff Bridges could fill in for Lloyd since the old man's dead? Could you imagine? Topper Harley and the Dude? That would be... awesome.

But who am I kidding? It'll never happen.

Well, while I'm bitching, I just don't get most other - quote, unquote - "comedies" on the air nowadays. "How I Met Your Mother"? Let's take the least talented chick from "Buffy", toss her next to the least talented guy from "I Love You, Man", and put them next to Doogie Howser and call it "funny".

"The Big Bang Theory"? Unless the four (or is it five? I don't know and don't fucking care) geeks on that show are finally getting it on with that blonde, I call bullshit on the title of this piece of dung.

"Shit My Dad Says"? When the word shit appears in the title, it's a safe bet that the show is - get this - SHIT! Who would've thought that a show based on a fucking Twitter account wouldn't be that awesome? Thanks for ruining Shatner's career, you stupid assholes! The man was Deeny Crane, T.J. Hooker, and Captain Friggin' Kirk, and this is the thing that lures him back to television?! Christ!

"Cougar Town": Never seen it. Don't care.

"Modern Family": It's not bad, but there are two reasons to watch this show and they're both located on the front of Sophia Vergara.

"Parks and Recreation": WHOOOOOOO CARES????????

"Family Guy": I'm going to catch hell for this one from some people, but I don't care. "Family Guy" sucks, in my opinion. I think the breaking point for me was the first Star Wars parody movie, whatever the hell it was called. There's a scene where Peter and Chris are in the gun turrets waiting to shoot at TIE Fighters, and all of the sudden Leslie Neilson pops in. "I just want to tell you both, good luck. We're all counting on you."

A scene from "Airplane!" "Airplane!" was a parody. In other words, they sank to the level of taking a scene from a parody and putting in their own parody. What a bunch of lazy twats.

And seriously, how many times can you reference the same crap? I hope Seth McFarland and Seth Green blow George Lucas on a weekly basis. Without that bearded bastard these two dipshits wouldn't have a career. I'm surprised they haven't changed their names to Sith yet.

"American Dad": sucks.

"The Cleveland Show": see above.

"The Office": the first three seasons were great. But that's it. It hasn't been funny for awhile. And, yes, yes, yes, I know, the British one is better. I get it.

"Parenthood": a funny movie, then a not-funny sitcom, then, after twenty years, a partially funny sitcom. Here's hoping in another twenty years it comes back as a not-funny movie, and then becomes a hilarious sitcom. You keep trying, Hollywood!

"Nick Swardson's Pretend Time": I wanted to like this show. I really did. But, aside from a few skits, I just couldn't. Maybe a retooling could help it, but I doubt it.

"The Tonight Show": Fuck Jay Leno. I hope he dies.

"Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job": The title is exactly like the show - a bunch of fucking nonsense strung together, seemingly edited by mongoloids in an asbestos-ridden basement. The only saving grace this piece of shit has is John C. Reily when he pops in to do his Dr. Steve Brule character. Other than that, fuck this show.


And now, the stuff I find entertaining... well somewhat...



"Robot Chicken": funny, but, again, would ya stop with the "Star Wars" already?!

"Aqua Teen Hunger Force": hilarious once upon a time, but went downhill. Hopefully it'll get better.

"Metalocalypse": Funny. Not really a bad season thus far.

"Community": Funny. But NBC in their infinite wisdom will probably cancel it to make room for "Dancing with the Undercover Idol Apprentice of the Stars".

"30 Rock": Been a little shakey in recent past, but still rather funny.

"Squidbillies": Imagine the Beverly Hillbillies on meth in the bodies of intergalactic mini-Cthulus. Yeah, it's as good as it sounds, and Unknown Hinson voices the main character! Unknown Hinson, by the way, is a vampire that plays rockabilly music. Yeah, it's as good as it sounds.

"The League": Hit or miss, but, overall, rather funny.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia": I was starting to get worried through season four. They still had funny episodes, but not in abundance like they had throughout the first three seasons. Season five, overall, wasn't that great. Funny ones here and there, but rather mediocre. Aside from a few duds, the current season is pretty damn entertaining. And seeing Dave Foley from "Kids in the Hall" in a few episodes brightened my life just a wee bit.

"South Park": 14 years. Wow. Wrap your mind around that. Never really a bad season, some mediocre ones, but overall, if someone called it the best comedy on American TV ever, I don't know if I'd argue.

"The Daily Show"/"The Colbert Report": I don't watch them as much as I used to, but they can still knock it out of the park.

"The Onion Sports Dome": Personally, I think it fits in rather well with "Daily" and "Colbert". But, knowing Comedy Central, if it's not a massive success, it won't last a year.

"The Late Show with Craig Furguson": Always funny. If you can, look up his interviews with Steven Wright on youtube. You'll laugh until pee comes out.

"Conan": Again, always funny.

"Jimmy Kimmel Live": It took awhile to grow on me (like my case of herpes), I'll admit, but I do find the show funny. When Kimmel gave crap to Leno for screwing over Conan, I thought it was almost as funny as Stephen Colbert's roasting of Dubya at the 2006 Media Gala. And the unecessary censorship bits are hilarious.

"Late Night with David Letterman": Sometimes hit or miss, but when your competition it Jay Leno, even a bleeding tumor is funny.

"Ugly Americans": Not bad.

"The Venture Bros.": Funny, but I don't watch it enough to give a full opinion.

"Real Time with Bill Mahr": Mahr can come off as twat sometimes, but, still, I find him funny.

"Curb Your Enthusiasm": Like, "South Park", never a bad season, and never a dull moment. In my opinion, this is the show that "Seinfeld" should've been all along. When J.B. Smoove joined the cast it got even better.

"East Bound and Down": not too shabby. Haven't seen enough of it to give a full opinion, but what I've seen is funny.

"Children's Hospital": Absolutely hilarious. Rob Corrdry ("The Daily Show"), Megan Mullally (the funniest one on "Will and Grace"), Ken Marino (Louie from "The State"), and Henry goddamn Winkler (the Fonz, and "Arrested Development")! It lampoons all of those attractive-doctors-with-personal-problems shows. Thank you, sir, may I have another!?



And, what do I think is the funniest show on TV right now?

"Archer".

Seriously, this show is great. H. Jon Benjamin in the lead, a few of the cast members from "Arrested Development", the funniest guy from "30 Rock" (Chris Parnell), and the writing staff from "Frisky Dingo" and "Sealab 2021". I haven't laughed this much since I saw a heckler punch Pauly Shore in the mouth on stage in Texas. If you haven't checked it out, you should. You'll thank me.

THE DAMNATION LOG OF PUBLIC ANNOYANCE: Tim Horton's is my Hell

Here is a log of my experiences while visiting Tim Horton’s on the night of Nov. 10, 2010. The following is based on a true story...



8:00 – A mom walks in with three screaming byproducts of ejaculation. “I WANT CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! I WANT CHOCOLATE MOM! MOM! MOM!” You get the idea.

8:10 – A guy walks in. He has a newspaper under his arm. He lines his chair with the newspaper. He sits on the newspaper. He drinks coffee while sitting on the newspaper. I simply stare.

8:12 – “YEAH, SO BOYD AND ME WERE GOING DOWN TO THE HALL AND THIS SUM BITCH SAYS TA ME…” No, this isn’t a screaming child from before, this is a 60, 65-year-old man AND HE IS TALKING REALLY LOUD. Too goddamn loud for his own good (and mine). “YEAH, HE GAVE ME A ROLEX LAST YEAR!” “THAT RIGHT?!” That’s his friend. They're both loud talkers. I hate them. Seriously... listening to these two old schmucks... It's like listening to two old douche bags trying to out-douche the other.

8:14 – Meanwhile… “MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!”

8:16 – Mom and screaming pieces of crotch fruit finally leave. Man who looks like Rob Halford wearing slacks enters. He’s quiet. He's calm. I like this man.

8:17 - Newspaper-sitting-fucker starts tapping his foot. For no reason other to annoy the piss out of me, I suspect.

8:19 – Asinine old men finally leave. I love the film “Soylent Green”, have I ever told you that? “Logan’s Run” kicks ass too.

8:29 – Newspaper guy decides to start taking his empty coffee cups and DOES A GODDAMN DRUM SOLO ON THEM WITH PENCILS AND HIGHLIGHTERS. No, as a matter of fact, he is not a good drummer and John Bonham should come back to life and hold him down and shit in his mouth.

8:33 - NOW THE FUCKER IS SINGING TO HIMSELF!!! YES! SINGING! SING......ING! I think he’s trying to sing “Carol of the Bells” maybe. I’m pro-choice, by the way.

8:39 – Now apparently, Newspaper Fuck’s “drum kit” is now a castle. God help me.

8:40 – Rob Halford leaves. I will miss him.

8:41 – Newspaper asshole decides to take a napkin and tries to make a tent out of it on his table. Yes... a tent... If he tries to crawl inside it and sleep I’m going to murder him.

8:45 – A gaggle of squawking teenage girls come in and the sound is something like this: “AOFNDDCOJNDCOINSIOJNNKJWNCIWJVNWIJNCWIJNCWIJCNWIJCNWIJNCWICJNWICNWI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” spiced up with 10,000 likes, ya knows, and ums, ands, OHMYGAWDS!!!! I weep for the future. Actually... No. No I don't. The future might turn into a rabid wasteland, in which case most of these assholes would be blown to oblivion and the thought of that makes me happy.

8:51 – I realize that I would definitely stay away from booze if it wasn’t for all of the other people on Earth. My liver hates you, people of Earth. This is all your fault. Not mine.

8:56 – Gaggle of obnoxious teens leave. It’s quiet. Too quiet. Time to check in with Newspaper Napkin Tent Twat.

8:57 – He’s staring at the goddamn ceiling... Jesus Tap Dancing Christ... If he starts trying to catch snowflakes on his tongue I’m going to cry.

9:05 – He hasn’t. All is well.

9:09 – WHY DO CAPPUCCINO MACHINES HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING LOUD!!??!?

9:13 – Newspaper Obnoxious Ass hasn’t done anything in the last couple of minutes. He just keeps staring at his phone. This is not like him. I’m nervous.

9:18 – He still hasn’t moved.

9:27 – HE KEEPS STAYING QUIET!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM!!! Do something, damn it! Drum! Sing! Crawl into your tent! Something!

9:29 – Ray Bradbury’s doppelganger and an Ann Ramsey look-a-like (the chick from “Throw Mama from the Train”) come in. They’re getting ice cream.

9:31 – Ann has the grossest cough I’ve ever heard. Imagine the Sarlacc Pit dying of bronchitis. It’s like that.

9:33 – I think I might actually throw up and cry at the same time. By Allah's beard! Who leaves the house in that condition!? Seriously... it's like your grandfather gargling a mouthful of cream of wheat whilst in the throws of his death rattle! Why doesn’t Newspaper Douche Nozzle do something to offset the sickness I’m feeling? Please, Jesus, let Newstwat do something to…. HE’S SINGING AGAIN!!!! YES!!!! Oh, fuck! Now he's DANCING to the trash bin to throw away his stuff! ATTA BOY, YOU DANCING FOOL! Let me focus on you to get the dying Sarlacc out of my mind!

9:34 – ALRIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF! God, I hate this fucking guy.

9:35 – Ray and the Sarlacc are leaving. And so am I. I can’t stand this Newsinging Drum Douche any longer. Especially since he's now TALKING TO HIMSELF! Things are going to get weird I fear. He has that look on his face that Nicholson had right before he chopped the door down in "The Shining". I'm fuckin' splittin'.

9:36 – As I walk out, I faintly hear Christmas music drip out of the overhead speakers like the body snot the creature secreted in “Alien”. I realize it’s going to be a long holiday season – the average month in reality; the above-average bullshit subjectively. I leave and aim my car toward traffic and darkness and stoplights and annoyances elsewhere.

A Short List of Other Things the Church Advocated Burning

A Short List of Other Things the Church Advocated Burning

By Mike McHone

Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center out of Gainesville, Florida decided that it would be a good idea to burn copies of the Quran on September 11th. Now, what’s really strange about this is the fact that I thought Terry Jones of “Monty Python” played a good idiot; turns out he’s been usurped.

Burning books is never a good idea (unless, of course, you’re a Nazi, in which case it still isn’t a good idea and you should do the world a favor and die, you moron). The whole business is odd, appalling, shameful, and, let’s face it, on a really windy day it could lead to a fire safety violation and Jesus doesn’t like lawbreakers. But, of course, this isn’t the first time the church has advocated burning things. Here are a few others…


Jews during the Spanish Inquisition
Christians killed the Jews because the Jews wouldn’t convert to Christianity and accept Jesus, a Jew, as the savior. So, just to reiterate, Christians killed Jews because those Jews wouldn’t worship a particular Jew. This is why I drink.

Joan of Arc
They burned her at the stake and then they made her a saint. Now that’s what you call multitasking! (Well, we got a nice Leonard Cohen song out of it, so there’s that.)

People accused of practicing witchcraft
This occurred in Europe mainly. A common misconception is that many – quote, unquote – “witches” were burned at the stake in Salem, Mass. This never occurred. Of course many people were drowned, crushed, hanged, or drawn and quartered, but I digress.

Beatles albums
This occurred after John Lennon said, in a 1966 interview, that “the Beatles are bigger than Jesus Christ”. Technically, John wasn’t lying considering no gospel group ever outsold the Beatles and Jesus never had a number one album. To show you how hypocritical this country can be, no one ever batted an eye when a rabidly drunk Don Henley said, in a 1976 interview, that “the Eagles are bigger than Vishnu” or when Keith Richard reportedly said “Rssssss blaaaaaaph n’gerg nnnnnnn mmf.”

Crosses at night
Now, I'm not saying that all churches advocated this, just a few of them in the south whose faith was so strong in the teachings of love and tolerance in their lord Jesus Christ that they wanted to kindly share it with their black neighbors... and then hang them. Ah, you wacky believers! What will you think of next?!

Eight things that I ponder at 4 in the morning

1.) Why is it called the Miss Universe Pagaent when only one planet competes?

2.) Why are they called the National Basketball Association and the National Hockey League when two countries (Canada and America) have teams playing in each sport? Shouldn't they therefore be called the International Basketball Association and the International Hockey League?

3.) Why are they called Music Television (MTV) and Video Hits 1 (VH1) when there is neither music or music videos on either station?

4.) Why was "According to Jim" on the air for eight goddamn years?

5.) At what age does taking pictures of your kids in the bathtub stop being cute and start becoming child pornography?

6.) If Jehova's Witnesses believe that only 144,000 people are going to Heaven then why the hell are they always out trying to convert people? Wouldn't that hurt their own chances of getting in?

7.) Whelm - (noun, verb) 1.) engulf, submerge. 2.) overwhelm.
So the definition of whelm is overwhelm? Shouldn't whelm just be whelm? You know when you're underwhelmed because nothing is going on, and you know when you're overwhelmed because too much is going on. So shouldn't being whelmed be something that describes normal everyday activity?

8.) If Harrison Ford happened to be driving a Ford in Norway and accidentally ran into Gerald Ford who was also driving a Ford in Norway, and they both ended up in two seperate fjords, would the headline the next day read "Fords Fords in Fjords"?

An Islamic Center Near Ground Zero!?!? No way, I don't... Oh, wait... There's already one four blocks away? Never mind.

Yeah, yeah, long title, I know, but that pretty much sums up my feelings on this stupid ass non-issue. One thing that I always loved about this culture: Most of us shout until blood pours out of our throats about how we adore the Constitution and our freedom and our First and Second Amendments, but we're willing to throw all of that out of the damn window when a small group of people does something that the rest of us don't like.

As the title says there's already an Islamic Center next to Ground Zero. It's four blocks away and has been there for years. In that time how many "radicals" have they churned out? Zero. How many suicide bombings have they carried out? Zero. How many Holy Wars have they started? Zero.

You know, there are a billion Muslims in the world and approximately 10,000 radical Muslims. So, technically, only .001% of all Muslims want to run planes into buildings and blow their stupid goddamn selves up in marketplaces so they can cornhole 72 virgins in the afterlife. Now, since we're talking math here, let's look at Christianity. Approximately 4% of all Catholic priests between the years 1950 and 2002 have been accused of, convicted of, or under suspicion of molesting, raping, and torturing children. That's 1 in 25. Which means, mathmatically, we should be less concerned about Mulims building an Islamic Center near Ground Zero and more concerned about Catholic Churches near playgounds, schools, and parks.

My God, people, think of the children!!!!

Here's a bitter pill to swallow for most of you: You do realize that the idea of the Bill of Rights is exactly democratic right? Democracy is sometimes less about giving the masses what they want and sometimes more about protecting a minority, even if that minority prays to a different god than you do... Which, of course, the Muslims DON'T pray to a different god than you Christians do. You do understand that, right? Kind of puts a little damper on that whole Crusades thing, doesn't it? I mean, if you're going to declare a war on someone's religion, shouldn't they be worshiping a different guy completely? Oh, well. It's probably all a part of His Divine Plan.

Now I could understand this whole dust up about an Islamic Center going in near Ground Zero if there wasn't already one there already. Or if there weren't already 700,000 Muslims living in New York City alone. Or if there weren't already about 90 mosques within the vicinity of Ground Zero. In other words, THEY'RE ALREADY THERE AND THEY HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING VIOLENT. LET IT FUCKING GO. Either that or we can just go to war with them. You know, since it's worked so well in the past.

You know, if you're Catholic you probably took issue with what I said a few paragraphs ago. That's exactly my intention. If you got offended over what I said, imagine someone lumping ALL Catholics into the categories of child molesters. You'd be extremely offended, right? Now, try to take that offense and parlay it into an understanding of how the Muslims feel about being lumped together with a bunch of assholes who want to kill people in the name of their god.

Until we actually hear back from Jehova (or Yahweh, or Allah), maybe we should stop thinking that our own way of talking to him, giving him money, and killing for him is the only way of going about it.

Editing Cal Thomas' "Helen Thomas' Other Sin"

HELEN THOMAS' OTHER SIN

BY CAL THOMAS (and Mike McHone)


The original drivel is spewed by Cal Thomas, a guy that contributes to Fox News. The bold and beautiful comments are by Mike McHone.



The real question about Helen Thomas' (I wonder if she's related to Cal Thomas?) abrupt departure from her job as a syndicated columnist and from her speaker's bureau is: what took so long? (Fox was busy bashing that black guy in the White House?)

Thomas' (no relation) (well, that answers my question) views about Jews, Israel and Arabs have been know for many years. She has spoken in private -- and in public -- against Israel and the Jewish people and for the Palestinians and Arabs for as long as I can remember. This time, though, her remarks were caught on video by a rabbi at a White House event observing Jewish Heritage. It was a perfect, bigoted storm. (Yes, dear Jehova, how dare those Jews be so Jewy!!! I mean... Wait, did you say she was going to a JEWISH HERITAGE EVENT?!)

The White House Correspondents Association, which surely knew of her views, (and if she were a real, dyed in wool yarmulke anti-Semite, she would've probably been invited to the Oval Office by Nixon, LBJ, or even Billy Graham for a little one on one Jew-hatin' fest.) allowed Thomas to have the first row, middle seat at White House press briefings and front row status at rare presidential news conferences. (How dare a woman who's been on the same job for nearly 60 years be afforded such luxury! The next thing you know, she's gonna want BENEFITS and SOCIAL SECURITY when she retires! The fucking nerve!) If she were a conservative who held racist or misogynist views, she surely would have been gone much sooner. Some prejudices are tolerated more than others. (Yeah! Christ, I mean if, say, Ann Coulter called Thomas' an "old Arab" - pronounced "Ay-Raab" - she would've more than likely lost her job... Oh, wait! NO SHE DIDN'T, ASSFACE: http://www.moveleft.com/moveleft_essay_2005_02_27_lust_ann_coulter_makes_racist_remark_about_reporter_helen_thomas.asp)

Helen Thomas is not alone. (Neither are we in the universe, Cal.) Other journalists share similar views about Israel and Jews. Instead of being embarrassed by her, someone should demand a survey be taken of all other correspondents to see if they share her opinions. (Are you trying to tell me that people who tout themselves to be a part of a mainstream media actually let their bias slip into their stories? Well, thank Allah we have Fox to point this out for us!)

Helen Thomas' real sin -- in addition to the obvious -- is that she exposed Washington journalists as having strong personal opinions about the subjects they cover. (I just don't get this whole bias thing. Again, thank L. Ron Hubbard for Fox!) And so she had to be expelled from the fraternity/sorority of "objective" and "unbiased" journalists who only report and let us decide. Sure! (Oh, I see waht you did there, with the whole "report" and "decide" thing! Clever! And by "clever" I mean "You're a twat, now die in a fire.")

Glenn Beck: No Excuse for Making Fun of Obama's Daughter

THEY "REPORT". YOU DECIDE. I MAKE IT BETTER.


Glenn Beck: No Excuse for Making Fun of Obama's Daughter
June 1, 2010 - 22:19 ET

This piece was originally written by Glenn Beck. The additions in bold are mine. - Mike McHone


I want to talk with you about something that no TV executive or PR consultant in their right mind would advise me to do. (Your hemorrhoids?) It's completely counter-intuitive for me to bring this up again, there is absolutely nothing to gain by doing so. (Cool. So we’re done then? Can I -)

It happened (Fuck.) over a three-day weekend and that's the best time for a story to be lost. But the times have changed; we are living in much different times (We know. You just said they changed.), everything is changing (So, you’re saying that it’s changed? How did I miss that?) and because of that, we must too.

Last Friday (The movie with Ice Cube and John Witherspoon?) , in a bit on my radio program where I was ridiculing the president for his constant use of children as a tactic to further his agenda or shield himself, I broke my own rule (You talked about Fight Club?) : I made fun of the president and his children (“So, four blacks walk into a recession…” ) . I could tell you that it was misinterpreted, poorly handled or I misspoke. (Or that you’re a douche, but go on.) I could use the politician-in-trouble phrase: "the only point I was simply making was...."

Honestly, that's what I told myself for an hour or so after I got off the air, but there is something more here that I need to share because it is powerfully destructive. (So, what you’re saying is the point that you were simply trying to make was…?) I honestly didn't think I was making fun of his children, but my wife spoke to me in the softest tones about an hour after I got off air; all she said was, "I heard your show today. Why would you make fun of the president's children?" (“And why didn’t you pick up the Vagisil like I asked you?”)

I immediately snapped at her. I told her I wasn't making fun of his children and that's how they would spin it (“Finished with my woman ‘cause she couldn’t help me with my mind” – Black Sabbath, ‘Paranoid’) and she didn't know how this media cabal worked? (Why do you have a question mark at the end of this statement? That dang old media cabal at work again, eh?) She didn't know these people; I do, I have to look at them and their words and actions every day. (“I’m in the thick of it, man! I’ve seen things, man! I’ve seen shit that’ll turn you white!”)

My wife didn't respond. (It was hard to as she was going down on me! BAM!) She just looked at me and said, I understand. She did understand, I just wouldn't admit it yet to myself. I immediately wrote an apology, prayed and apologized to my wife. (So did you read from the apology that you wrote, or did you wing it?) There is no excuse or reason to ever come close to the line of dragging someone's family into the debate. I never have until last Friday and I hope that's my bottom. (No, I think your bottom was when you made fun of a woman’s dead child when you were a shock jock, you fucking cunt. But that’s just my humble opinion. Do go on.)

All Friday, I asked myself, how could it have happened? (You’re a douche?) I have an answer (You ARE a douche?!) but not an excuse (Oh.) . I share my answer because it leads me to something that I think is important for all of us. (A healthy diet?)

This sometimes feels like a pretty lonely job. (I feel lonely too, Glenn.) And I think you probably feel lonely at times too. (I just said that!) I don't think we're all that different; we gather here everyday at five o'clock to figure out what is going on in our country. (Wow, you’re like Marvin Gaye, but white… and not that talented… and not sexy…) We wonder how we see things and no one else sees it. Why aren't they awake? (Your show put them to sleep? BAM!) I feel it is my responsibility to tell you what I believe is happening. (“Dogs and cats living together… Mass hysteria!”)

I thought others in the media would join me if I could back up my arguments and also have a good track record on being right with outlining the things to come. I have done both and still those in the media remain silent. I am not sure any of them watch anymore because somehow they have convinced themselves that there is nothing here but a show, a guy trying to make money. (“I could give a flying crap about the political process.” – Glenn Beck, quoted in the April 26 issue of ‘Forbes’) But you know and I both know that's not the case. (So, Glenn Beck is refuting what Glenn Beck said a few months ago? Why has the media remained silent?!?!?) Believe me, there are easier ways to make money. (Hocking gold for instance?)

Do you want to be the one doing this? Spreading this message? What do you get out of it? (Book deals, a television show, speaking engagements, commencement addresses, the knowledge that I know that I can spout anything – like I’m doing now – and couldn’t give a crap about the political process, and make millions a year. No thanks. I’d rather beat off strangers at a truck stop.) What's your motivation for watching this show? (Because “Arrested Development” was canceled and this is the funniest shit we’ve got.) I would give it all up gladly to be wrong. But I fear I am not. (But do you fear the reaper? The seasons don’t. The wind, sun, and rain don’t either.)

Even Barack Obama — you can't tell me that he doesn't real rage. (I suppose you mean “feel rage”? Unless of course you’re trying out a new white-based ebonics on us.) It is common and natural, but unless we recognize it, it's dangerous. I think we are all upset. I am upset. I'm upset that with so many in this country, the truth just doesn't seem to matter anymore. (Insert Jack Nicholson’s line from "A Few Good Men" here.)

There is a well-known cycle of destruction of great societies that's been chronicled throughout history that seems to be happening now. It's the move from freedom to apostasy/apathy to bondage (Oh, kinky!) to humility (Kinkier!) to restoration back to freedom. We just talked about this cycle in Sunday school at church (By church you mean that Mormon place that you go to where you believe that Joe Smith told his wife that God said it was okay to bang a bunch of different chicks? Gotcha.) and I was very frustrated that we seem to have passed apostasy as a nation and are headed toward bondage. Shouldn't we be having the conversation about how to avoid bondage and go directly to the good parts of this cycle again?

I don't swear anymore, I gave it up along with drinking and sleeping in on Sundays, (Yeah, those football games start too early, don’t they?) it was hard for me as I was very good at it. Last week, I noticed I was using foul language (You just said you don’t swear! That’s like an alcoholic who hasn’t had a drink in two days saying he’s given up the sauce!) and calling people names. I was shocked to hear those words come out of my mouth, but at the time, I felt justified. And quite honestly, it felt good. (Like bondage?) They deserved it and frankly so did I. (Oh, so it WAS like bondage.)

I should have known. (Yeah, you really should have.) I should have heard the Emperor's voice in my best "Star Wars" memories: "Yes, give in to the Dark Side. Release your anger and your transformation to the Dark Side will be complete." (It’s “give in to your ANGER” and “your JOURNEY TOWARDS the Dark Side will be complete” assface!)

I lost sight: It's not transformation, it's restoration. (It’s not even TRANSFORMATION, it’s “journey toward”, numb nuts!) The same question we avoid asking in this country, we avoid asking ourselves: Who am I?

At my Liberty University commencement speech, part of the advice I gave was to not let life wash over you wave by wave. (So never take a ride with Ted Kennedy then? BAM AGAIN!) You're not a rock because even the strongest rocks are eventually broken down. (Are you suggesting that erosion is possible and through many years of land shifts and a through long shifts in tectonic plate patterns a CHANGE in CLIMATE could occur? Glenn, ya'll be crazier than a muthafukka, man!) You have to question with boldness, explore and create who we are — I know, because I did it. But sometimes you forget that it is a never-ending process. Life is a wave and last week the waves just crashed into me. (Life is a box of chocolates and last week I got diabetes.)

Who have to ask ourselves who we are and who we want to become. (We must also ask ourselves that why for not they have copyeditors there at Fox an why can’t they end questions with the question markers.)

On Friday night, my wife and I went out to see "Robin Hood." It is the best version of that story that I think I have seen. Long story short: The king of France is landing his army on the sands of England, but Robin Hood has brought the people of England together as one. (So, it was less like "Robin Hood" and more like the retarded cousin of “Henry V”?) The king sees this and feels he has been misled. He tells the ships to turn around because he knows his soldiers cannot win against a united people. He then says, this does not look like a country fighting against itself. (So what you’re saying is that a story about a guy who was famous for robbing from the rich and giving to the poor sparked some insight in you? Glenn Beck, you fucking socialist!!!!!)

I realized why the hatred had been growing in me and its real power to destroy. (BECK SMASH!) And my apology to the president and all those I disappointed wasn't enough. But it wasn't until I heard the line about fighting within ourselves, that I realized what I was supposed to do. (With great douche-baggery comes great responsibility.)

Times are changing and so must we. (Thank you, Bob Dylan.) We have to raise the bar higher. Do you feel it yet? (I ask that of every woman I sleep with.) Everything is about to change and we are faced with a choice. (And if you choose not to decide you STILL have made a choice.)

The Beatles Rock Band

To celebrate the Fab Four's version of Rock Band, I've come up with a list as to WHY they're the greatest band ever. I know, I know, you're probably sick of reading lists and you probably might think to yourself, "Hey, I really could have sex with my own cousin." Well, that's your own demented row to how, buster. Anyhoozle, here are just a few random reasons the Beatles kick ass:

1.) 20 Number One Hits on the Billboard Pop Charts. No one touches them in this area. The only one that comes close is Elvis. What's weird is, Elvis had more number one hits in the UK, the Beatles homeland!

2.) They have sold more physical albums than any other entity on planet Earth, to the tune of 1,010,000,000 albums. Yeah. Billion. BILLION!!! With a B. That includes all LPs, cassettes, CDs, singles, and so forth. This DOES NOT include stuff purchased online. So, technically, we could estimate that, if we were to spead it around, 1/3 of the human race could own something by the Beatles... Yeah. Your favorite band sounds like a failure now, doesn't it?

3.) Not only did they dominate the music charts, the also had a hand in giving a shot of cool into the film industry and television industry. The Ed Sullivan Show's ratings were off the damn charts when they appeared in Nov. of 1964, and "A Hard Days Night" is considered one of the greatest films ever made. Now, only if Rob Zombie could realize this and stop raping our eyes with his celluloid idiocy....

4.) They changed the game for pop/rock songwriters. Taking a cue from Bob Dylan, the Beatles knew the importance of writing their own material. In fact, they were the first highly successful rock band to have major hits with their own material. Before them, the only people to do that were in the area of folk or rockabilly. It sounds really weird to hear that nowadays: writing your own songs and performing them? What's so special about that?

The overwhelming majority of Elvis' hits were written for him, and even though a guy like Johnny Cash wrote a good hunk of his own output, about half of his successful songs were either covers or written for him ("Ring of Fire" being the biggest). But the Beatles are the band that, in terms of written songs versus output, have, by far, the most success. John, Paul, George, and Ringo, in other words, made it okay for a rock band to put out their own material using their own words. So, technically, it wouldn't be that far off base to say that when it comes to songwriting in rock and roll, you have the stuff before the Beatles, the Beatles, and everyone after the Beatles. Thanks, guys!

5.) They prove marijuana can have a potentially positive effect. The Beatles smoked their first joints when they met up with Bob Dylan in late 1964 and Paul McCartney has claimed that after that encounter the Beatles' and his personal songwriting style changed. It's true. After that day, Paul went and wrote "I'll Follow the Sun", and if that damn song doesn't touch you you're a heartless bastard. From that point forth the Beatles lost their kid gloves and started tackling heavy subjects like adultry ("Norweigan Wood"), reflection ("In My Life"), murder ("Run for Your Life"), government ("Taxman"), lonliness ("Eleanor Rigby"), drugs ("Dr. Robert"), frustration ("I'm Only Sleeping"), childlike goofiness ("Yellow Submarine"), and abstract experimentation ("Strawberry Fields Forever"). From that one encounter with Dylan, they explored other regions and subject matters and this laid the ground work for...

6.) "Revolver". This is considered by many to be not only the Beatles' greatest album, but the greatest rock album ever. Period. Bar none. Obvious it's all a matter of opinion and choice, but whatever. Every track on this album is a masterpiece. "She Said, She Said", "And Your Bird Can Sing", "Tomorrow Never Knows", "Good Day Sunshine", "For No One"... It's straight ahead, yet experimental, which leads us to...

7.) "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band". This is not an album. This is an icon. Take this anywhere in the world and chances are someone will recognize it. The cover alone is worthy of a doctorial disseration. This is not a song collection that you just put on and tap your toes to, or clean the house to, or drive to. No, this thing requires your full undivided attention. Aside from the Beach Boys' "Pet Sounds" (which was the main influence for "Pepper"), this was the first time that anything associated with rock and roll was also considered "artistic". This made it safe for guys like Frank Zappa (who also influenced the Beatles to some extent - and who later poked fun at "Pepper"'s cover with the Mother's "We're Only in it for the Money" - an album that both Lennon and McCartney reportedly loved), the Velvet Underground, and Pink Floyd secure their standing in the world of rock. Again, thank you guys!

8.) Everything they accomplished was accomplished in four-and-a-half years! Really, the Beatles were around since the early, early 60s, slugging it out in bars in Hamburg and the Cavern Club in Liverpool. They got their record contract in 1962 and released their first single "Love Me Do" toward the end of that year and their first full-length album "Please Please Me" was released the following year. The Beatles said to themselves and their management that they would not set foot in America until they had a number one hit there. Then, on Janurary of 1964, they had that hit with "I Wanna Hold Your Hand". From then on, all hell broke loose. During 1964, the rest of the world took notice, they made their legendary apperance on "Ed Sullivan", and during one week the Lads from Liverpool secured the top five spots on the Billboard Hot 100. No other band in history has had such a successful run in one year, artistically or financially.

And really, even though their last album wasn't released until 1970, and their collections "Past Masters Vol. 1 and 2" and the red and blue albums (1962 - 1966, and 1967 - 1970) were released in the mid 70s and were major hits in and of themselves, the Beatles called it a day, really, in 1969. Name another band that changed the face of popular music, changed the rules of popular music, changed how a band was marketed and accepted in popular music, and is as popular today as they were in 1964.

Exactly.

9.) They knew when to pack it in. Although it sucks, and we can sit back and talk on into the night about what if the Beatles had hung around for a little while longer, we have to give props to the fact that they knew when to walk away from it. They left at their peak and left every band in their wake to pick up where they left off. Few did. The Stones released their best output from 1968 - 1972. Pink Floyd took everything into an interstellar overdrive from 1973 - 1979. We saw the advent of progressive rock, heavy metal, punk, glam, and shock rock... And here's the weird part. All of those genres have bands that wouldn't be anywhere without the Beatles:

Progressive Rock - Yes, Rush, King Crimson. All of them cite the Beatles as their favorite band.

Heavy Metal - Black Sabbath. Ozzy considers the Beatles his favorite band.

Punk - Iggy Pop is the godfather of punk and probably the best frontman ever. The Beatles and the Doors are his favorite bands.

Glam - David Bowie. I think we know who his favorite band is.

Shock Rock - Alice Cooper. Cooper regularly cites the Beatles, Beach Boys, and the Yardbirds as his favorites.


Granted the sound was totally different, but, again, without that influence, without that seed of an idea, none of these bands would've gotten anywhere or even started if it wasn't for the Beatles.

Pretty much anyone successful in the music world owes a debt to the Beatles. In fact, the only person that I know of who is a major success in the music business that has stated in the past that he hated the Beatles was James Hetfield of Metallica. Now, as my dad used to say, everyone's entitled to their opinion no matter how fucking stupid it is. James can believe what he wants, and he's an amazing talent in and of himself. And, let's face it, I love Metallica. Their first four albums are magnificent. But at the end of the day, when the Beatles made a movie, they either made us laugh or entertained us with their music. When Metallica made a movie, Lars and James spent the majority of their screen time crying and bitching and going through pop-psyche evaluations. Laaaaaaaaaaaaaame. Metallica Good! Psychoanalysis Baaad!!!!

So, all in all, we can see that if it wasn't for "Le Beatles" the rest of us would be nowhere, man (tee hee! see what I did there? I'm so cute). In fact, it's a good possibility that most of us would be plucking banjos and singing Froggy Went A-Courtin at the county fair thinking that we were doing something brilliant and worth while.

Again, thanks for saving us John, Paul, George, and Ringo. Those of us with taste and a brain appreciate it.



Mike McHone