I Made a Movie About Mohammed and All I Got was this Lousy Jihad

So, a few days ago (on Sept. 11th 2012... and there's something VERY familiar about that date) U.S. Ambassador Chris Stevens and two others were killed in Libya in an attack from Muslim extremists who were upset about some crappy Youtube movie (I don't know what the title is; I'm too lazy to look it up) that portrayed the Islamic prophet Mohammed as a fool and a womanizer instead of the peace loving messenger of Allah that he truly is. So to make this case that Mohammed loves peace and all people, they KILLED CHRIS STEVENS.

Peace. You're doing it wrong.


Now to us non-religious folks killing in the name of any god is like beating the shit out of someone in the name of Superman. Both are fucking stupid. But at least the Superman scenario will sound a lot more entertaining in a court of law.

Unless of course, this guy was the judge.


But be that as it may, a lot of talk is going around the internet: should Obama retaliate against these attacks? The answer: of course he should! Maybe not in a full scale, bombs-dropping-from-the-sky-making-you-shit-yourself sort of way. Maybe it should be just like how we got bin Laden... you know, except not take 10 years to do it. Send a small group of Norris and Stallone imitators in and turn 'em loose!

But maybe without the Stallone porn-stach.


And besides, it works out best for everyone, even the extremists. Think about it. If they're killed whilst in the throes of protecting their religion or preaching their religion or, frankly, oppressing someone else's religion in the name of their religion, then they'll be considered martyrs. And martyrs get a pretty sweet deal in Islam. They get a high place in the afterlife.

You know, it's kind of like how the Klingons think... except the Klingons are much more entertaining. And they'll kill you for much more legit reasons, not because you made a fucking movie or drew a goddamn picture.

And the afterlife martyrs get to cornhole 72 virgins for all eternity. But going along with this idea, I have some questions.

1.) Where do the virgins come from? Are they already there in the afterlife, or are they from the souls of ladies here on Earth? And if so, where are they? Because I've always put virgins in the same category as vampires and unicorns: we all know about them, but they don't fucking exist.

Pictured: Some of the 72 virgins.


2.) After you have sex with all of your 72 virgins for the first time, they cease to be virgins, so what's the sustaining element here? The luster wears off after a little while doesn't it?

3.) And finally, compare virgins to experienced MILFs, and the experienced MILFs win, hands down, every time. If you're going to give someone a reward by way of sex, wouldn't you want that sex to come from a lady that knows her shiznit?!

It's all confusing.

But here's one thing I do understand about Muslim extremism: I totally get why they do it. I don't agree with it. I hate it. I think it's awful. But I understand.

Because let's face it, if I grew up in an area of the world that told me that I couldn't drink beer, eat bacon, and stare at tits, I would totally volunteer to blow myself up in a market place with a bomb.

Or fly a plane into a building.

Or kill you happily. Yes. You. The person reading these words. I would totally kill you. Slowly. With a butter knife. And feel nothing.

But, hey, as long as it's done in the name of peace and for a completely rational reason such as retaliating for a movie that I didn't like, then it's all good, right?

An Islamic Center Near Ground Zero!?!? No way, I don't... Oh, wait... There's already one four blocks away? Never mind.

Yeah, yeah, long title, I know, but that pretty much sums up my feelings on this stupid ass non-issue. One thing that I always loved about this culture: Most of us shout until blood pours out of our throats about how we adore the Constitution and our freedom and our First and Second Amendments, but we're willing to throw all of that out of the damn window when a small group of people does something that the rest of us don't like.

As the title says there's already an Islamic Center next to Ground Zero. It's four blocks away and has been there for years. In that time how many "radicals" have they churned out? Zero. How many suicide bombings have they carried out? Zero. How many Holy Wars have they started? Zero.

You know, there are a billion Muslims in the world and approximately 10,000 radical Muslims. So, technically, only .001% of all Muslims want to run planes into buildings and blow their stupid goddamn selves up in marketplaces so they can cornhole 72 virgins in the afterlife. Now, since we're talking math here, let's look at Christianity. Approximately 4% of all Catholic priests between the years 1950 and 2002 have been accused of, convicted of, or under suspicion of molesting, raping, and torturing children. That's 1 in 25. Which means, mathmatically, we should be less concerned about Mulims building an Islamic Center near Ground Zero and more concerned about Catholic Churches near playgounds, schools, and parks.

My God, people, think of the children!!!!

Here's a bitter pill to swallow for most of you: You do realize that the idea of the Bill of Rights is exactly democratic right? Democracy is sometimes less about giving the masses what they want and sometimes more about protecting a minority, even if that minority prays to a different god than you do... Which, of course, the Muslims DON'T pray to a different god than you Christians do. You do understand that, right? Kind of puts a little damper on that whole Crusades thing, doesn't it? I mean, if you're going to declare a war on someone's religion, shouldn't they be worshiping a different guy completely? Oh, well. It's probably all a part of His Divine Plan.

Now I could understand this whole dust up about an Islamic Center going in near Ground Zero if there wasn't already one there already. Or if there weren't already 700,000 Muslims living in New York City alone. Or if there weren't already about 90 mosques within the vicinity of Ground Zero. In other words, THEY'RE ALREADY THERE AND THEY HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING VIOLENT. LET IT FUCKING GO. Either that or we can just go to war with them. You know, since it's worked so well in the past.

You know, if you're Catholic you probably took issue with what I said a few paragraphs ago. That's exactly my intention. If you got offended over what I said, imagine someone lumping ALL Catholics into the categories of child molesters. You'd be extremely offended, right? Now, try to take that offense and parlay it into an understanding of how the Muslims feel about being lumped together with a bunch of assholes who want to kill people in the name of their god.

Until we actually hear back from Jehova (or Yahweh, or Allah), maybe we should stop thinking that our own way of talking to him, giving him money, and killing for him is the only way of going about it.