Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Gayest Things I've Heard in Football Commentary This Week: Part 1

Yes, we all know about the lousy officiating, and how some of the coaches and players are livid about the shitty calls made by the replacement refs.

Pictured: Bill Belichick and a retarded person

But have you heard - I mean REALLY HEARD - what the commentators say during a game? If taken just slightly out of context, some of their comments could mean drastically different things.

So this is why I've decided to start a new blog entry dedicated to THE GAYEST THINGS I'VE HEARD IN FOOTBALL THIS WEEK.

And by "gay" I don't mean the derogatory way stupid assholes use it in conversation. No, I mean in the this-dude-sounds-like-he-wants-to-make-sweet-love-to-that-other-dude kind of way.

Pictured: Dude I would make sweet love to.



as heard on Detroit's 97.1 FM radio

“You’ve gotta bang that guy off. You can’t let him release like that.” @ 3:25 mark, in the third quarter.

“Calvin (Johnson, Detroit receiver) is beatin’ his jam…! You’ve gotta beat the jam, gotta get your release!” @ 1:14, third quarter

“He’s stiff ramming his way to the zone!” @ :36, fourth quarter

(In reference to quarterback Sean Hill)“He needed 12 inches and he didn’t get it.” @6:41 in overtime


as heard on NBC TV

(In reference to Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco) “The quickness of his release (was great). Some guys, five-nine, five-ten, can’t release that quick. But he knows how to use his hands rather well!” – courtesy of NFL commentator Joe Buck (which is coincidentally the name of Jon Voight’s male prostitute character in “Midnight Cowboy”).

Well, that's it. I hope you enjoyed this first installment, you goddamn pervert. Stop by next week for more hot, implied dude on dude action.

P.S. I went an entire blog without using the word "fuck"! My language is starting to...

Never mind.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

I Made a Movie About Mohammed and All I Got was this Lousy Jihad

So, a few days ago (on Sept. 11th 2012... and there's something VERY familiar about that date) U.S. Ambassador Chris Stevens and two others were killed in Libya in an attack from Muslim extremists who were upset about some crappy Youtube movie (I don't know what the title is; I'm too lazy to look it up) that portrayed the Islamic prophet Mohammed as a fool and a womanizer instead of the peace loving messenger of Allah that he truly is. So to make this case that Mohammed loves peace and all people, they KILLED CHRIS STEVENS.

Peace. You're doing it wrong.

Now to us non-religious folks killing in the name of any god is like beating the shit out of someone in the name of Superman. Both are fucking stupid. But at least the Superman scenario will sound a lot more entertaining in a court of law.

Unless of course, this guy was the judge.

But be that as it may, a lot of talk is going around the internet: should Obama retaliate against these attacks? The answer: of course he should! Maybe not in a full scale, bombs-dropping-from-the-sky-making-you-shit-yourself sort of way. Maybe it should be just like how we got bin Laden... you know, except not take 10 years to do it. Send a small group of Norris and Stallone imitators in and turn 'em loose!

But maybe without the Stallone porn-stach.

And besides, it works out best for everyone, even the extremists. Think about it. If they're killed whilst in the throes of protecting their religion or preaching their religion or, frankly, oppressing someone else's religion in the name of their religion, then they'll be considered martyrs. And martyrs get a pretty sweet deal in Islam. They get a high place in the afterlife.

You know, it's kind of like how the Klingons think... except the Klingons are much more entertaining. And they'll kill you for much more legit reasons, not because you made a fucking movie or drew a goddamn picture.

And the afterlife martyrs get to cornhole 72 virgins for all eternity. But going along with this idea, I have some questions.

1.) Where do the virgins come from? Are they already there in the afterlife, or are they from the souls of ladies here on Earth? And if so, where are they? Because I've always put virgins in the same category as vampires and unicorns: we all know about them, but they don't fucking exist.

Pictured: Some of the 72 virgins.

2.) After you have sex with all of your 72 virgins for the first time, they cease to be virgins, so what's the sustaining element here? The luster wears off after a little while doesn't it?

3.) And finally, compare virgins to experienced MILFs, and the experienced MILFs win, hands down, every time. If you're going to give someone a reward by way of sex, wouldn't you want that sex to come from a lady that knows her shiznit?!

It's all confusing.

But here's one thing I do understand about Muslim extremism: I totally get why they do it. I don't agree with it. I hate it. I think it's awful. But I understand.

Because let's face it, if I grew up in an area of the world that told me that I couldn't drink beer, eat bacon, and stare at tits, I would totally volunteer to blow myself up in a market place with a bomb.

Or fly a plane into a building.

Or kill you happily. Yes. You. The person reading these words. I would totally kill you. Slowly. With a butter knife. And feel nothing.

But, hey, as long as it's done in the name of peace and for a completely rational reason such as retaliating for a movie that I didn't like, then it's all good, right?

Monday, March 5, 2012

Seven Days of Douche-Baggery

According to Rush Limbaugh, if a woman is on birth control she is “a slut.” And according to Kirk Cameron, gay people are “unnatural.” And according to Ron Paul if you live in a tornado zone you should just shut up and get “insurance” because the victims don’t deserve any federal aid. I’ve waited a few days to rant on these topics simply because with the way the douche-baggery has been ramped up as of late I was waiting to see if Sean Hannity would pull a trump card and rape and eat a golden retriever on live television. Since the canine rape/eat factor hasn’t come into play as of late, I’ll just go ahead and fire off some salvos of aggression.

RUSH: Roll the Bone(head)s

As far as Limbaugh goes, he’s an asshole. Plain and simple. See, unlike Limbaugh, I let people’s actions define who they are and then I call them like I see them. Rush had never met Sandra Fluke, never spoke with her, never was in the presence of her, and he called her a slut and whore because she had the audacity to speak out in favor of birth control in front of congress. There is no proof that she’s a slut, nor is there proof that she’s a whore. However, there is ample evidence to suggest that Limbaugh is an asshole.

See, one aspect of being an asshole is being a hypocrite. Limbaugh said that all drug addicts need to be deported, but then got busted a few years later for buying hefty amounts of oxycontin to feed his drug habit. See? Asshole by way of hypocrisy.

Another aspect of being an asshole is to be an accusatory dickhead without any basis in fact or reality. He accused Michael J. Fox of “acting” and “shaking all around” in an ad that supported stem cell research. He basically said Fox was faking his Parkinson’s Disease just to get people to vote in favor of stem cell research. Asshole by way of accusation.

But then again, maybe Rush knew what he was talking about. After all, if there’s one person that knows what it’s like to be off of pills, it’s Rush Fucking Limbaugh.

Rush has since apologized to Fluke, but Fluke, rightfully, didn’t accept it. And of course a part of his “apology” cites him as saying that by calling Fluke a slut and a whore, he “sank to level of the left.” And here we come to yet another aspect of being an asshole: a detachment from reality. Where is there proof of someone on the left accusing a person of being a slut or a whore when they just want to use birth control? And, frankly, in Limbaugh’s logic, if a woman who uses birth control is a slut, does that mean that a man who uses condoms is a rapist? Or if the guy pulls out, is he engaging in behavior akin to a coward? Or if he has a vasectomy, does this mean he had a sex change operation? In Limbaugh’s twisted little mind, yes, these things are probably true.

So we can deduce, ladies and gentlemen, that there is no basis in fact to call Sandra Fluke a slut, but there is ample evidence to infer that Rush Limbaugh is an asshole. See? Logic can be fun!


Kirk Cameron is also an asshole. Again I can infer this because every time he opens his mouth he sounds like an asshole.

Recently on Piers Morgan’s show, Cameron said that homosexuality basically is “ultimately destructive so many of the foundations of civilization.” He apparently fell asleep in history class when they spoke about those stupid little things called the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Salem witch trials, the rise of the Third Reich, the Great Purges, Maoism, Pol Pot, and some other shit that caused some hiccups throughout the course of humanity.

See, I’ve hated Kirk Cameron for awhile. Back in the 90s when he found Jesus (who had apparently been in Orange County the WHOLE TIME!) he started prancing around on the set of his shitty show, “Growing Pains”, like a self-righteous prima donna. Whenever there were storylines that involved some aspect of sex, Cameron would act like a prick and accuse ABC of peddling porn, and then he’d threaten to quit the show, etc. etc. Then, in 1990, when it was revealed that actress Julie McCullough had posed in “Playboy” (she was Playmate of the Month, Feb. 1986) he had her fired and said, basically, that she was going to Hell, thus helping eradicate her career.

Nice move, asshole.

Oh, and then there’s the way he handled his friend’s disappearance. Back in Feb. 2010, actor Andrew Koenig went missing. Koening played Boner on “Growing Pains” and slipped into deep depression years later (probably because he played Boner on “Growing Pains”). When he failed to catch a plane back to California from Vancouver, his family filed a missing person’s report.

Cameron went on CNN and asked his friend to come back home and said that he would be praying for his return. God apparently was too busy helping sports teams win a game because Koenig was found hanging from a tree in Stanley Park. His death was ruled a suicide.

Cameron said that he was continuing to pray for Koenig’s family, but said nothing about Koenig, probably because his ardent religious beliefs lead him to think that Koenig is in Hell. Again, nice move, asshole.

RON PAUL (George and Ringo)

And now we come to Ron Paul, a man who says that people who live in tornado zones shouldn’t get federal aid money because they should already have insurance (even the poor, unemployed, and underemployed) and federal money isn’t really “money” because it’s just stolen from the states and workers. No seriously. He said that.

I like some of Ron Paul’s stances. I think the IRS needs to be ended and sovereign nations shouldn’t be invaded and our money should be spent wisely and not stupidly. I also like that he’s against the Patriot Act, domestic spying, and for lowering taxes. But as far as his stances on abortion and separation of church and state, he’s a penis-face.

And really what kind of chafes my teats about his whole ideology in not wanting to help the tornado victims is that it violates something that his boss once said.

“Sell all that you have and distribute it to the poor.”

And by his boss I mean Jesus Christ.

That’s a bad Christian, Mr. Paul. Bad, bad Christian.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Why I Don't Go Out in Public Much Part Four

Why do I do it? Why do I come here? Why do I set foot in the China Buffet? I know I'm going to hate it. I know it's going to probably give me the runs. But like an abused housewife, I keep going back for more. Like a Cleveland Browns fan, I'm drunk on hope. Like a Justin Beiber fan, I'm a fucking moron.

But today was oh so special. Today confirmed my long-held belief that some of us in this society need to be eliminated. I know, I know, that's a very harsh statement. How dare I look down on my fellow human beings. But today, I hope you will hear my story and understand where I'm coming from, because, dear reader, it is a true story.

So I'm sitting there at the China Buffet eating the stuff that passes for "food" when three people, a boyfriend and girlfriend who look as if they've just come from an Insane Clown Posse concert, and a young man looking to be in his early 20s. The couple have a young child with them, looking to be around 2 years old. The couple puts the kid in a high chair and head over to the buffet. After a minute of sitting there with the baby, the young guy gets up AND LEAVES THE KID BY HIMSELF.


It took the - quote, unquote - parents about three or four minutes to get back to the table. And when they did, the guy asked his female squeeze, "Where's Jimmy?" And she said (and I'm quoting verbatim), "I ain't know."

Finally, the cunt called Jimmy comes back to the table and the female troglodyte says to Jimmy the Cunt, "Jimmy you ain't suppose ta leave a kid by his-self."

To which cunt-ball Jimmy says, "Ha... I told you I ain't good with kids. I ain't jokin' when I say I shouldn' have 'em. HUH-HUH-HUH."

And they laughed and laughed. Momma laughed. Daddy laughed. Cunt-face Jimmy laughed. The kid didn't laugh though. Probably because he was the most intelligent person at the table.

The funny thing is, the kid didn't cry once when he was left by himself, or search around to see where his parents were, or throw a fit. More than likely because the little guy sensed he was better off.

Jesus Christ. People piss me off.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Strongly Worded Letters to Inanimate Objects Part Three: “Kiss My Ass, Fortune Cookie”

Dear Fortune Cookie That Led Me to Believe I Could Be a Jedi,

So there I was letting my Mu Goo Gai Pan digest when I cracked you open and read the following:

“You will experience the force and it will change your life.”

Holy tits, I thought. I’m gonna be a Jedi! I'll be as cool as the fuckin' guy to the left!!

But then I read it again.

“You will experience a force that will change your life.”

Damn it! I wasn’t going to be a Jedi at all! That’s a bunch of shit to make me not read more good, dumbass fortune cookie!

In fact, I got so mad that I started jumping up and down and screaming and started punching things (the wall, the table, a nun), which freaked out the rest of the people in the restaurant. BUT I DIDN’T CARE! I was mad!

But, when I was jumping up and down it must’ve knocked something loose inside me because I crapped my pants and when I smelled the crap, it made me puke, and when some old lady saw me puke, she puked, and some baby that was sitting in a high chair crapped his pants too, and then the owner came out and saw all the puke and the shit and then he puked and shit, and then the owners wife came out and she puked and shit, too, and she also, for some reason, peed and for some reason when I saw her pee, I went pee and my pee mixed with my puke and shit and I had to drive home like that – caked in my own filth! AND I HAD PLANNED ON PICKING UP A NICE YOUNG LADY (see: prostitute) THIS EVENING! BUT NOW I CAN’T BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO HOME AND SHOWER FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS MONTH!

What the hell, fortune cookie?! This is all your fault!

But having said that, you were pretty tasty. Keep up the good work.


Thursday, December 15, 2011

So This is... Christmas?

It’s always amusing this time of year. If it weren’t for those two mortal enemies of populous, average thought (logic and reasonable thinking), you might start to believe all the buzz words and phrases that seem to crop up on “Fox News” and “The 700 Club” when the wind turns cold and the jolly guy invites your kids to sit on his lap (I mean Santa Claus, not Jerry Sandusky).

You’ve heard it: “Keep ‘Christ’ in Christmas!” “Say NO to ‘Happy Holidays’”, and, of course, “There’s a War on Christmas!”

Really? So, what exactly IS a War on Christmas? Are roving gangs of Jewish militants sabotaging the Christmas cards? Are they covertly replacing eggnog with Manischewitz wine, ham with gefilta fish, the “White Christmas” DVD with a Mel Brooks movie? Or have “the gays” formed a FABULOUS militia infiltrated our military? (According to the Village People they already have our Navy.)

It’s kind of funny when certain Christians complain that their traditional Christmas values are under attack. After all, Christmas does celebrate the birth of Christ, but the pageantry surrounding it (lights in the trees, giving gifts, etc.) is rooted in Pagan tradition (as is Easter). So, do you have a tree in your home? Did you put up lights? Will you exchange gifts? If so, you’re engaging in a partially-Pagan tradition!

What I’m asking, brothers and sisters, is this: Why are you complaining that so many groups are trying to enforce their traditions and beliefs on you when you’ve already adopted the traditions of other groups (the Pagans) well over a couple of centuries ago? Simply BECAUSE you celebrate Christmas in the manner that you do (gifts, lights, trees, etc.), is proof enough that you were willing and able to let other groups combine with your own traditions to form a whole new way of celebration!

So, I ask you, what’s the freakin’ problem?

Maybe the biggest enemy on Christian values this time of year isn’t an outside force.

Maybe it’s hypocrisy.

But as far as getting offended over the term “Happy Holidays” is concerned, maybe we should just come up with a new holiday slogan that can appease everyone and slight no one’s belief system.

How about:

“May whatever god/goddess/thing you worship bring you peace/happiness, try real hard not to fight with/offend/kill anyone that doesn’t think like you, and, above all, know when to keep your mouth shut, and be willing to admit that you don’t have all the fucking answers.”

Yeah, it’s probably too long for a Hallmark card, but at least I’m trying.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Strongly Worded Letters to Inanimate Objects Part Two: "Indian Food"

Dear Plate of Indian Food that I Ate Which Caused Me to Shit Uncontrollably for Two Days,

Indian Food, I will put it plainly: you have wrecked my asshole. Not even my former priest Father Daniel “Tell No One” O’Neal can lay claim to that. So, should I congratulate you? Well, I WILL NOT! I refuse to bestow a congratulatory handshake, because you don’t have hands, and even if you did have hands I wouldn’t shake your hands! SO THERE!

What I would like to do is kick you in the balls, but I can’t, because you have no balls, but if you did, you could CONSIDER THOSE BALLS KICKED, MOTHERFUCKER!

How is it that something that takes but an hour to cook and twenty minutes to eat end up fucking up my shit for forty-eight hours? And by “fucking up my shit” I literally mean my shit is fucked up! Seriously! Oh, dear God, the burning! And the diarrhea, oh, the endless diarrhea! You know, I had wondered my entire life why people from India talk so fast. It’s not because of their culture, it’s simply because they’re trying to wrap up the conversations as soon as possible so they can get to the nearest fucking toilet!


You are like the Kid Rock of foodstuffs, Indian Food – you turn my stomach, you won’t go away, and you’ve hung around way too fucking long. At least you had the decency to not ruin songs by Warren Zevon and Metallica. BUT THAT’S THE ONLY COMPLIMENT YOU SHALL GET FROM ME!

Here’s the thing: I am writing this on my laptop whilst it balances on my clenched knees as I sit on my toilet, trying my damndest to push any remaining remnant of you out of my system. But it is a battle I fear I cannot win. I feel like Napoleon at Waterloo! Custer at Little Big Horn! And that One Guy who got his Ass Kicked at that One Place that One Time!

Indian Food, if there be a just God in this universe, may He send thee to the Darkest Pits of Hell so that yea may rot for eternity! Or to Detroit. Whichever.