Strongly Worded Letters to Inanimate Objects Part Three: “Kiss My Ass, Fortune Cookie”

Dear Fortune Cookie That Led Me to Believe I Could Be a Jedi,

So there I was letting my Mu Goo Gai Pan digest when I cracked you open and read the following:

“You will experience the force and it will change your life.”

Holy tits, I thought. I’m gonna be a Jedi! I'll be as cool as the fuckin' guy to the left!!



But then I read it again.

“You will experience a force that will change your life.”

Damn it! I wasn’t going to be a Jedi at all! That’s a bunch of shit to make me not read more good, dumbass fortune cookie!

In fact, I got so mad that I started jumping up and down and screaming and started punching things (the wall, the table, a nun), which freaked out the rest of the people in the restaurant. BUT I DIDN’T CARE! I was mad!

But, when I was jumping up and down it must’ve knocked something loose inside me because I crapped my pants and when I smelled the crap, it made me puke, and when some old lady saw me puke, she puked, and some baby that was sitting in a high chair crapped his pants too, and then the owner came out and saw all the puke and the shit and then he puked and shit, and then the owners wife came out and she puked and shit, too, and she also, for some reason, peed and for some reason when I saw her pee, I went pee and my pee mixed with my puke and shit and I had to drive home like that – caked in my own filth! AND I HAD PLANNED ON PICKING UP A NICE YOUNG LADY (see: prostitute) THIS EVENING! BUT NOW I CAN’T BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO HOME AND SHOWER FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS MONTH!

What the hell, fortune cookie?! This is all your fault!

But having said that, you were pretty tasty. Keep up the good work.

Yours,
Mike

So This is... Christmas?

It’s always amusing this time of year. If it weren’t for those two mortal enemies of populous, average thought (logic and reasonable thinking), you might start to believe all the buzz words and phrases that seem to crop up on “Fox News” and “The 700 Club” when the wind turns cold and the jolly guy invites your kids to sit on his lap (I mean Santa Claus, not Jerry Sandusky).

You’ve heard it: “Keep ‘Christ’ in Christmas!” “Say NO to ‘Happy Holidays’”, and, of course, “There’s a War on Christmas!”

Really? So, what exactly IS a War on Christmas? Are roving gangs of Jewish militants sabotaging the Christmas cards? Are they covertly replacing eggnog with Manischewitz wine, ham with gefilta fish, the “White Christmas” DVD with a Mel Brooks movie? Or have “the gays” formed a FABULOUS militia infiltrated our military? (According to the Village People they already have our Navy.)

It’s kind of funny when certain Christians complain that their traditional Christmas values are under attack. After all, Christmas does celebrate the birth of Christ, but the pageantry surrounding it (lights in the trees, giving gifts, etc.) is rooted in Pagan tradition (as is Easter). So, do you have a tree in your home? Did you put up lights? Will you exchange gifts? If so, you’re engaging in a partially-Pagan tradition!

What I’m asking, brothers and sisters, is this: Why are you complaining that so many groups are trying to enforce their traditions and beliefs on you when you’ve already adopted the traditions of other groups (the Pagans) well over a couple of centuries ago? Simply BECAUSE you celebrate Christmas in the manner that you do (gifts, lights, trees, etc.), is proof enough that you were willing and able to let other groups combine with your own traditions to form a whole new way of celebration!

So, I ask you, what’s the freakin’ problem?

Maybe the biggest enemy on Christian values this time of year isn’t an outside force.

Maybe it’s hypocrisy.

But as far as getting offended over the term “Happy Holidays” is concerned, maybe we should just come up with a new holiday slogan that can appease everyone and slight no one’s belief system.

How about:

“May whatever god/goddess/thing you worship bring you peace/happiness, try real hard not to fight with/offend/kill anyone that doesn’t think like you, and, above all, know when to keep your mouth shut, and be willing to admit that you don’t have all the fucking answers.”

Yeah, it’s probably too long for a Hallmark card, but at least I’m trying.

Strongly Worded Letters to Inanimate Objects Part Two: "Indian Food"

Dear Plate of Indian Food that I Ate Which Caused Me to Shit Uncontrollably for Two Days,

Indian Food, I will put it plainly: you have wrecked my asshole. Not even my former priest Father Daniel “Tell No One” O’Neal can lay claim to that. So, should I congratulate you? Well, I WILL NOT! I refuse to bestow a congratulatory handshake, because you don’t have hands, and even if you did have hands I wouldn’t shake your hands! SO THERE!

What I would like to do is kick you in the balls, but I can’t, because you have no balls, but if you did, you could CONSIDER THOSE BALLS KICKED, MOTHERFUCKER!

How is it that something that takes but an hour to cook and twenty minutes to eat end up fucking up my shit for forty-eight hours? And by “fucking up my shit” I literally mean my shit is fucked up! Seriously! Oh, dear God, the burning! And the diarrhea, oh, the endless diarrhea! You know, I had wondered my entire life why people from India talk so fast. It’s not because of their culture, it’s simply because they’re trying to wrap up the conversations as soon as possible so they can get to the nearest fucking toilet!




GHANDI WAS NOT DOING ANYTHING NOBLE DURING HIS HUNGER STRIKE! NO, NO! HE JUST COULDN’T STAND THE FOOD ANYMORE!

You are like the Kid Rock of foodstuffs, Indian Food – you turn my stomach, you won’t go away, and you’ve hung around way too fucking long. At least you had the decency to not ruin songs by Warren Zevon and Metallica. BUT THAT’S THE ONLY COMPLIMENT YOU SHALL GET FROM ME!

Here’s the thing: I am writing this on my laptop whilst it balances on my clenched knees as I sit on my toilet, trying my damndest to push any remaining remnant of you out of my system. But it is a battle I fear I cannot win. I feel like Napoleon at Waterloo! Custer at Little Big Horn! And that One Guy who got his Ass Kicked at that One Place that One Time!

Indian Food, if there be a just God in this universe, may He send thee to the Darkest Pits of Hell so that yea may rot for eternity! Or to Detroit. Whichever.

(Un)sincerely,
Mike

Strongly Worded Letters to Inanimate Objects, Part One: "Fuck You, Pop-Tart"

Dear Pop-Tart I was eating this morning that decided to break in half,

Fuck you.

Seriously.

There I was, eating you, cramming your frosted strawberry goodness into my pie hole when you, whilst I was nary half way through devouring your splendid succulence (F.Y.I. "Spendid Succulence" is the title of my forthcoming smooth jazz album), decided it was in YOUR BEST INTEREST to break in half! Who does something like that? Who gives up on being eaten half way through, besides my last girlfriend?


I could've been as happy as the little asshole on the left, you dumbass Pop-Tart!




So, you break in half, and what happens?! You bewitch me with a spell that renders all cognitive sense inside me mute! Yes, that’s what happened. That has to be what happened, stupid fucking Pop-Tart, because when the uneaten portion of your fruitful geometry (F.Y.I. "Fruitful Geometry" is the title of my forthcoming gay porno, and "Forthcoming" is also the name of the planned sequel) began falling to the floor, I tried to grab you with my other hand. THE OTHER HAND THAT CONTAINED A GLASS OF WATER! Yes! A glass! Of water! Who tries to catch something in a hand that’s already filled, I ask you, you stupid, asshole, cunt Pop-Tart! Me! That’s who! Yes, the bedazzled and brutally blinded buffoon that you made me, shit-sucking, twat-bag, Pop-Tart.


Seriously, Pop-Tart, go fuck yourself.

Seriously.



So there I stood, water splashing onto my shoes and onto my new copy of National Geographic (actually, it was Hustler), with only HALF of the Pop-Tart for which I paid good unlaundered money for and NO WATER LEFT IN MY CUP! Thanks for ruining my day, asshole Pop-Tart!

This must be exactly what Jesus was feeling when the Jews were whipping Him! Oh God, why have you forsaken me?!

Pop-Tart, take a seat. I want to express my full disdain for you. If you had a face, I’d punch you in your stupid fucking strawberry frosted face! Pop-Tart, if you had balls, I’d kick you in your gooey, artificially flavored balls. (Actually, that sounds gross. NOTE TO SELF: Strike that sentence before it goes out for final edit!)

Pop-Tart, if you had a mother I’d call her a bitch right to your stupid face. But you don’t have a mother! Or a father! HAHA! YOU’RE AN ORPHAN! FUCK YOU!

So, in conclusion, rot in Hell half of the Pop-Tart that I paid the FULL price for! (And yes, I know that I ended that sentence with a proposition, but, piss off, don’t correct me on MY grammar, you stupid-ass, shitheaded, communist, giving-up-half-way-through, lazy-ass Pop-Tart!)

Fuck you, Pop-Tart.

Seriously.

Fuck you.


I Loved You… Once,
Mike

Why I Don't Go Out in Public Much Part Three

This is getting ridiculous, and, furthermore, ricockulous.

So, once again, I'm at Panera Bread...

You'd think I'd learn my lesson, but no. I don't know why I keep going back there. I don't drink coffee. I'm not attracted to any woman that works there. I don't have any sort of bouts of nirvana-esque clarity. So, why do I keep going there? Hell, I don't know.

Anyway...

I'm waiting in line. There's an older woman in front of me. And by "older" I mean "fucking old". She's a crone. A craggy looking humanoid from a bygone era. Anyway, she orders a tea. The guy behind the counter tells her the total and she starts looking through her purse for her debit card.

And she looks.

And she looks.

And she looks.

This goes on - I shit you negative - for five minutes.

You're probably thinking, "No, it didn't! You're exaggerating, asshole!"

If it were an average day, I would say you're right. But not today. No. It took her five minutes. You wanna know how I know that?

I FUCKING TIMED HER!

I was patient for a minute. Hostile for the second minute. For the remaining three, I decided to stand there just to see how long it was going to take her to find her goddamn card. Some people rubberneck at trainwrecks. I rubberneck at human trainwrecks.

So, as Grandma Moses finally comes to the conclusion that St. Anthony is not going to come out of the fucking sky and place her fucking card in her purse, she decides it's in her best interest to check her pants pocket.

GUESS WHAT SHE FINDS!?!?

Her card.

She pays - finally - and I go up to the counter. The young-ish bloke at the register whispers, "Sorry about the wait." I nod. "What can I get ya?" he asks.

I clear my parched throat and say, "I'll take a small fountain drink a DVD copy of 'Logan's Run' please."

He almost looses it, but he keeps his composure.



But the fun doesn't end there, no, no, no.

I take a seat and start searching through the internet. A little girl walks over to where I'm sitting. Comes closer. Closer. And then tries to crawl into my fucking lap!

"Get away, would you!" I yell at the kid.

I was waiting for Chris Hanson to come out from around the corner!

I would be a lot more tolerant if the kid was a toddler, but she looked to be about 7 or 8!

I look over and her mother is just sitting there reading the damn paper.

"Excuse me!"

She looks up, her eyes as lost and as empty as a retarded boy trying to absorb the Schrodinger's Cat hypothesis. (Look it up.)

"Is this your kid?!"

"Yeah."

"Could you please tell her not to tr and crawl into the laps of strangers?!"

"Oh. Okay. Ellie, come here."

The kid goes over to her mother, but not for long. A few minutes later, she goes over to a group of teenagers trying to do homework. They are more forgiving than I. They let her hang around. So the kid starts goofing off in the booth and she does this thing where she slides, head first, to the floor. The buckle of her little belt catches on the corner of the booth and her fucking pants fall down!

There she is, on the floor of Panera Bread, bare-assed, without a care in the fucking world, and her mother, the human-bovine that she is, lost in the "Family Circus" comic or the colorful array of coupons.

The kid pulls her pants up. I close my laptop. The mother breathes through her mouth. I get up and leave and swear to myself that I'm never going back again.

But, like an abused housewife, I'll be back. At least I can admit it to myself.

But when I go back, I won't hope for fresh food, a clean restroom, or a friendly wait staff. I don't anticipate that the soup will be good, that the soft drinks will be bubbly, that the floors will be swept. No. The only thing I can hope for is that, next time, no attempted reverse-pedophilia will take place, nor will I have to wait in line behind a person who's lived way past the point of their expiration date.

That's all.

So, the next time you're trapped in line or you hear an obnoxious kid getting on your nerves, please think of me. I hope you smile, because I didn't.

Why I Don't Go Out Much Part Two

Actual conversation overheard at Panera Bread.

GIRL: "Why do you watch that show 'The Big Bang Theory'? Aren't you a Christian?!"

GUY: "Yeah."

GIRL: "But isn't that show about Darwin and stuff?!"

GUY: "No, it's about college kids!"

GIRL: "Oh. But still... That title's enough to not make me want to watch it because it denies God!"


Well, I didn't NEED a reason to drink today, but...

Why I Don't Go Out Much

So I'm at Michigan Bar and Grille Friday night after work. Next to me are two older couples having drinks at the bar and talking about recent movies they've seen. The first movie they discuss is "Black Swan".

GUY 1: "Aw, that thing was a piece of shit!:

LADY 1: "Yeah, it wasn't good at all!"

LADY 2: "Really?!"

GUY 1: "Yeah, and, you know, that might actually win some Grammys! I wouldn't be surprised!"

Really? Grammys? I would be surprised. I buried my face in my lemon chicken...

Well, not really.

Then, next up, "The Tourist".

LADY 1: "I didn't like that at all! But I love Johnny Depp!"

LADY 2: "Oh, so do I! I love him in the 'Pirates' movies! What else has he been in?!"

I nearly choked. "'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'! 'Ed Wood'! 'Dead Man', damn it!'" I didn't see "The Tourist" mostly because it looked boring, but for (insert chosen deity's name here)'s sake, if you're going to claim to love an actor shouldn't you know at least a few of the other things he's been in?!

That's what I wanted to say, but I didn't. So, I just drowned myself in beer...

Well, not really.

Next: "True Grit".

LADY 1: "I didn't like that one either!"

GUY 1: "Me neither!"

GUY 2: "Yeah, John Wayne was much better! So much better!"

(Daydream sequence: I break the glass I'm drinking out of and stick it into their juggulars and casually go back to watching the boxing match on TV.)

Then they start talking about their favorite TV shows. They love "Wipeout". It, to them, is the greatest thing on television. They love "Two and a Half Men" and hope Charlie Sheen gets back to work right away.

See, folks, T.S. Eliot had it wrong. THIS is the way the world ends. Not with a bang or a whimper, but with a million average idiots staring hypnotized at their TV screens, drool leaking from their Cheeto-stuffed mouths, with the mild ejaculation of tittering filling the room, like that of a mongoloid staring into a funhouse mirror for the first time in his or her life.

We are doomed. We are doomed one and all.

I Know Why the Caged Sheen Snorts

I just read that Charlie Sheen will chip in and pay the salaries of all the people who work on "Two and a Half Men" while he's having another go at rehab. And then I thought: Why? Why would someone who has almost everything at his disposal, who could get almost any woman that he wanted, who has more money than some third world countries have at their command, wreck his life like this?

And then it hit me: I know why this guy does more coke than Pablo Escobar hanging out at Tony Montana's place while Keith Richards and Slash provide the evenings' entertainment. It's probably because Charlie, through stints of hitting the crack pipe and watching porn, came to the realization that he feels guilty. Not that he feels guilty of letting down the people on "Two and a Half Men", no, he feels guilty because he's on the show "Two and a Half Men".

Seriously, have you ever watched that fucking thing? I've seen jihad execution videos with more belly laughs. If I was stuck delivering shitty lines next to Matthew Broderick-Lite (Jon Cryer), I'd stick my face in a pile of blow, drink a fifth of Jack, and smoke as much crack as I could every goddamn day of my - quote, unquote - life.

And, really, why is it called "Two and a Half Men"? Have you seen the size of that kid? It should be called "Two Guys, a Girth, and a Pizza Place" (that's a shout-out to my man-crush Ryan Reynolds, FYI).

Seriously, as soon as Charlie gets out of rehab, he should skip going back to that septic tank of a show, call up Jim Abrams and make "Hot Shots 3". Maybe Jeff Bridges could fill in for Lloyd since the old man's dead? Could you imagine? Topper Harley and the Dude? That would be... awesome.

But who am I kidding? It'll never happen.

Well, while I'm bitching, I just don't get most other - quote, unquote - "comedies" on the air nowadays. "How I Met Your Mother"? Let's take the least talented chick from "Buffy", toss her next to the least talented guy from "I Love You, Man", and put them next to Doogie Howser and call it "funny".

"The Big Bang Theory"? Unless the four (or is it five? I don't know and don't fucking care) geeks on that show are finally getting it on with that blonde, I call bullshit on the title of this piece of dung.

"Shit My Dad Says"? When the word shit appears in the title, it's a safe bet that the show is - get this - SHIT! Who would've thought that a show based on a fucking Twitter account wouldn't be that awesome? Thanks for ruining Shatner's career, you stupid assholes! The man was Deeny Crane, T.J. Hooker, and Captain Friggin' Kirk, and this is the thing that lures him back to television?! Christ!

"Cougar Town": Never seen it. Don't care.

"Modern Family": It's not bad, but there are two reasons to watch this show and they're both located on the front of Sophia Vergara.

"Parks and Recreation": WHOOOOOOO CARES????????

"Family Guy": I'm going to catch hell for this one from some people, but I don't care. "Family Guy" sucks, in my opinion. I think the breaking point for me was the first Star Wars parody movie, whatever the hell it was called. There's a scene where Peter and Chris are in the gun turrets waiting to shoot at TIE Fighters, and all of the sudden Leslie Neilson pops in. "I just want to tell you both, good luck. We're all counting on you."

A scene from "Airplane!" "Airplane!" was a parody. In other words, they sank to the level of taking a scene from a parody and putting in their own parody. What a bunch of lazy twats.

And seriously, how many times can you reference the same crap? I hope Seth McFarland and Seth Green blow George Lucas on a weekly basis. Without that bearded bastard these two dipshits wouldn't have a career. I'm surprised they haven't changed their names to Sith yet.

"American Dad": sucks.

"The Cleveland Show": see above.

"The Office": the first three seasons were great. But that's it. It hasn't been funny for awhile. And, yes, yes, yes, I know, the British one is better. I get it.

"Parenthood": a funny movie, then a not-funny sitcom, then, after twenty years, a partially funny sitcom. Here's hoping in another twenty years it comes back as a not-funny movie, and then becomes a hilarious sitcom. You keep trying, Hollywood!

"Nick Swardson's Pretend Time": I wanted to like this show. I really did. But, aside from a few skits, I just couldn't. Maybe a retooling could help it, but I doubt it.

"The Tonight Show": Fuck Jay Leno. I hope he dies.

"Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job": The title is exactly like the show - a bunch of fucking nonsense strung together, seemingly edited by mongoloids in an asbestos-ridden basement. The only saving grace this piece of shit has is John C. Reily when he pops in to do his Dr. Steve Brule character. Other than that, fuck this show.


And now, the stuff I find entertaining... well somewhat...



"Robot Chicken": funny, but, again, would ya stop with the "Star Wars" already?!

"Aqua Teen Hunger Force": hilarious once upon a time, but went downhill. Hopefully it'll get better.

"Metalocalypse": Funny. Not really a bad season thus far.

"Community": Funny. But NBC in their infinite wisdom will probably cancel it to make room for "Dancing with the Undercover Idol Apprentice of the Stars".

"30 Rock": Been a little shakey in recent past, but still rather funny.

"Squidbillies": Imagine the Beverly Hillbillies on meth in the bodies of intergalactic mini-Cthulus. Yeah, it's as good as it sounds, and Unknown Hinson voices the main character! Unknown Hinson, by the way, is a vampire that plays rockabilly music. Yeah, it's as good as it sounds.

"The League": Hit or miss, but, overall, rather funny.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia": I was starting to get worried through season four. They still had funny episodes, but not in abundance like they had throughout the first three seasons. Season five, overall, wasn't that great. Funny ones here and there, but rather mediocre. Aside from a few duds, the current season is pretty damn entertaining. And seeing Dave Foley from "Kids in the Hall" in a few episodes brightened my life just a wee bit.

"South Park": 14 years. Wow. Wrap your mind around that. Never really a bad season, some mediocre ones, but overall, if someone called it the best comedy on American TV ever, I don't know if I'd argue.

"The Daily Show"/"The Colbert Report": I don't watch them as much as I used to, but they can still knock it out of the park.

"The Onion Sports Dome": Personally, I think it fits in rather well with "Daily" and "Colbert". But, knowing Comedy Central, if it's not a massive success, it won't last a year.

"The Late Show with Craig Furguson": Always funny. If you can, look up his interviews with Steven Wright on youtube. You'll laugh until pee comes out.

"Conan": Again, always funny.

"Jimmy Kimmel Live": It took awhile to grow on me (like my case of herpes), I'll admit, but I do find the show funny. When Kimmel gave crap to Leno for screwing over Conan, I thought it was almost as funny as Stephen Colbert's roasting of Dubya at the 2006 Media Gala. And the unecessary censorship bits are hilarious.

"Late Night with David Letterman": Sometimes hit or miss, but when your competition it Jay Leno, even a bleeding tumor is funny.

"Ugly Americans": Not bad.

"The Venture Bros.": Funny, but I don't watch it enough to give a full opinion.

"Real Time with Bill Mahr": Mahr can come off as twat sometimes, but, still, I find him funny.

"Curb Your Enthusiasm": Like, "South Park", never a bad season, and never a dull moment. In my opinion, this is the show that "Seinfeld" should've been all along. When J.B. Smoove joined the cast it got even better.

"East Bound and Down": not too shabby. Haven't seen enough of it to give a full opinion, but what I've seen is funny.

"Children's Hospital": Absolutely hilarious. Rob Corrdry ("The Daily Show"), Megan Mullally (the funniest one on "Will and Grace"), Ken Marino (Louie from "The State"), and Henry goddamn Winkler (the Fonz, and "Arrested Development")! It lampoons all of those attractive-doctors-with-personal-problems shows. Thank you, sir, may I have another!?



And, what do I think is the funniest show on TV right now?

"Archer".

Seriously, this show is great. H. Jon Benjamin in the lead, a few of the cast members from "Arrested Development", the funniest guy from "30 Rock" (Chris Parnell), and the writing staff from "Frisky Dingo" and "Sealab 2021". I haven't laughed this much since I saw a heckler punch Pauly Shore in the mouth on stage in Texas. If you haven't checked it out, you should. You'll thank me.