Why I Don't Go Out Much

So I'm at Michigan Bar and Grille Friday night after work. Next to me are two older couples having drinks at the bar and talking about recent movies they've seen. The first movie they discuss is "Black Swan".

GUY 1: "Aw, that thing was a piece of shit!:

LADY 1: "Yeah, it wasn't good at all!"

LADY 2: "Really?!"

GUY 1: "Yeah, and, you know, that might actually win some Grammys! I wouldn't be surprised!"

Really? Grammys? I would be surprised. I buried my face in my lemon chicken...

Well, not really.

Then, next up, "The Tourist".

LADY 1: "I didn't like that at all! But I love Johnny Depp!"

LADY 2: "Oh, so do I! I love him in the 'Pirates' movies! What else has he been in?!"

I nearly choked. "'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'! 'Ed Wood'! 'Dead Man', damn it!'" I didn't see "The Tourist" mostly because it looked boring, but for (insert chosen deity's name here)'s sake, if you're going to claim to love an actor shouldn't you know at least a few of the other things he's been in?!

That's what I wanted to say, but I didn't. So, I just drowned myself in beer...

Well, not really.

Next: "True Grit".

LADY 1: "I didn't like that one either!"

GUY 1: "Me neither!"

GUY 2: "Yeah, John Wayne was much better! So much better!"

(Daydream sequence: I break the glass I'm drinking out of and stick it into their juggulars and casually go back to watching the boxing match on TV.)

Then they start talking about their favorite TV shows. They love "Wipeout". It, to them, is the greatest thing on television. They love "Two and a Half Men" and hope Charlie Sheen gets back to work right away.

See, folks, T.S. Eliot had it wrong. THIS is the way the world ends. Not with a bang or a whimper, but with a million average idiots staring hypnotized at their TV screens, drool leaking from their Cheeto-stuffed mouths, with the mild ejaculation of tittering filling the room, like that of a mongoloid staring into a funhouse mirror for the first time in his or her life.

We are doomed. We are doomed one and all.