Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Eight things that I ponder at 4 in the morning

1.) Why is it called the Miss Universe Pagaent when only one planet competes?

2.) Why are they called the National Basketball Association and the National Hockey League when two countries (Canada and America) have teams playing in each sport? Shouldn't they therefore be called the International Basketball Association and the International Hockey League?

3.) Why are they called Music Television (MTV) and Video Hits 1 (VH1) when there is neither music or music videos on either station?

4.) Why was "According to Jim" on the air for eight goddamn years?

5.) At what age does taking pictures of your kids in the bathtub stop being cute and start becoming child pornography?

6.) If Jehova's Witnesses believe that only 144,000 people are going to Heaven then why the hell are they always out trying to convert people? Wouldn't that hurt their own chances of getting in?

7.) Whelm - (noun, verb) 1.) engulf, submerge. 2.) overwhelm.
So the definition of whelm is overwhelm? Shouldn't whelm just be whelm? You know when you're underwhelmed because nothing is going on, and you know when you're overwhelmed because too much is going on. So shouldn't being whelmed be something that describes normal everyday activity?

8.) If Harrison Ford happened to be driving a Ford in Norway and accidentally ran into Gerald Ford who was also driving a Ford in Norway, and they both ended up in two seperate fjords, would the headline the next day read "Fords Fords in Fjords"?

Monday, August 16, 2010

An Islamic Center Near Ground Zero!?!? No way, I don't... Oh, wait... There's already one four blocks away? Never mind.

Yeah, yeah, long title, I know, but that pretty much sums up my feelings on this stupid ass non-issue. One thing that I always loved about this culture: Most of us shout until blood pours out of our throats about how we adore the Constitution and our freedom and our First and Second Amendments, but we're willing to throw all of that out of the damn window when a small group of people does something that the rest of us don't like.

As the title says there's already an Islamic Center next to Ground Zero. It's four blocks away and has been there for years. In that time how many "radicals" have they churned out? Zero. How many suicide bombings have they carried out? Zero. How many Holy Wars have they started? Zero.

You know, there are a billion Muslims in the world and approximately 10,000 radical Muslims. So, technically, only .001% of all Muslims want to run planes into buildings and blow their stupid goddamn selves up in marketplaces so they can cornhole 72 virgins in the afterlife. Now, since we're talking math here, let's look at Christianity. Approximately 4% of all Catholic priests between the years 1950 and 2002 have been accused of, convicted of, or under suspicion of molesting, raping, and torturing children. That's 1 in 25. Which means, mathmatically, we should be less concerned about Mulims building an Islamic Center near Ground Zero and more concerned about Catholic Churches near playgounds, schools, and parks.

My God, people, think of the children!!!!

Here's a bitter pill to swallow for most of you: You do realize that the idea of the Bill of Rights is exactly democratic right? Democracy is sometimes less about giving the masses what they want and sometimes more about protecting a minority, even if that minority prays to a different god than you do... Which, of course, the Muslims DON'T pray to a different god than you Christians do. You do understand that, right? Kind of puts a little damper on that whole Crusades thing, doesn't it? I mean, if you're going to declare a war on someone's religion, shouldn't they be worshiping a different guy completely? Oh, well. It's probably all a part of His Divine Plan.

Now I could understand this whole dust up about an Islamic Center going in near Ground Zero if there wasn't already one there already. Or if there weren't already 700,000 Muslims living in New York City alone. Or if there weren't already about 90 mosques within the vicinity of Ground Zero. In other words, THEY'RE ALREADY THERE AND THEY HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING VIOLENT. LET IT FUCKING GO. Either that or we can just go to war with them. You know, since it's worked so well in the past.

You know, if you're Catholic you probably took issue with what I said a few paragraphs ago. That's exactly my intention. If you got offended over what I said, imagine someone lumping ALL Catholics into the categories of child molesters. You'd be extremely offended, right? Now, try to take that offense and parlay it into an understanding of how the Muslims feel about being lumped together with a bunch of assholes who want to kill people in the name of their god.

Until we actually hear back from Jehova (or Yahweh, or Allah), maybe we should stop thinking that our own way of talking to him, giving him money, and killing for him is the only way of going about it.