So there I was letting my Mu Goo Gai Pan digest when I cracked you open and read the following:
“You will experience the force and it will change your life.”
Holy tits, I thought. I’m gonna be a Jedi! I'll be as cool as the fuckin' guy to the left!!
But then I read it again.
“You will experience a force that will change your life.”
Damn it! I wasn’t going to be a Jedi at all! That’s a bunch of shit to make me not read more good, dumbass fortune cookie!
In fact, I got so mad that I started jumping up and down and screaming and started punching things (the wall, the table, a nun), which freaked out the rest of the people in the restaurant. BUT I DIDN’T CARE! I was mad!
But, when I was jumping up and down it must’ve knocked something loose inside me because I crapped my pants and when I smelled the crap, it made me puke, and when some old lady saw me puke, she puked, and some baby that was sitting in a high chair crapped his pants too, and then the owner came out and saw all the puke and the shit and then he puked and shit, and then the owners wife came out and she puked and shit, too, and she also, for some reason, peed and for some reason when I saw her pee, I went pee and my pee mixed with my puke and shit and I had to drive home like that – caked in my own filth! AND I HAD PLANNED ON PICKING UP A NICE YOUNG LADY (see: prostitute) THIS EVENING! BUT NOW I CAN’T BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO HOME AND SHOWER FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS MONTH!
What the hell, fortune cookie?! This is all your fault!
But having said that, you were pretty tasty. Keep up the good work.
Yours,
Mike
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