Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
THE DAMNATION LOG OF PUBLIC ANNOYANCE: Tim Horton's is my Hell
Here is a log of my experiences while visiting Tim Horton’s on the night of Nov. 10, 2010. The following is based on a true story...
8:00 – A mom walks in with three screaming byproducts of ejaculation. “I WANT CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! I WANT CHOCOLATE MOM! MOM! MOM!” You get the idea.
8:10 – A guy walks in. He has a newspaper under his arm. He lines his chair with the newspaper. He sits on the newspaper. He drinks coffee while sitting on the newspaper. I simply stare.
8:12 – “YEAH, SO BOYD AND ME WERE GOING DOWN TO THE HALL AND THIS SUM BITCH SAYS TA ME…” No, this isn’t a screaming child from before, this is a 60, 65-year-old man AND HE IS TALKING REALLY LOUD. Too goddamn loud for his own good (and mine). “YEAH, HE GAVE ME A ROLEX LAST YEAR!” “THAT RIGHT?!” That’s his friend. They're both loud talkers. I hate them. Seriously... listening to these two old schmucks... It's like listening to two old douche bags trying to out-douche the other.
8:14 – Meanwhile… “MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!”
8:16 – Mom and screaming pieces of crotch fruit finally leave. Man who looks like Rob Halford wearing slacks enters. He’s quiet. He's calm. I like this man.
8:17 - Newspaper-sitting-fucker starts tapping his foot. For no reason other to annoy the piss out of me, I suspect.
8:19 – Asinine old men finally leave. I love the film “Soylent Green”, have I ever told you that? “Logan’s Run” kicks ass too.
8:29 – Newspaper guy decides to start taking his empty coffee cups and DOES A GODDAMN DRUM SOLO ON THEM WITH PENCILS AND HIGHLIGHTERS. No, as a matter of fact, he is not a good drummer and John Bonham should come back to life and hold him down and shit in his mouth.
8:33 - NOW THE FUCKER IS SINGING TO HIMSELF!!! YES! SINGING! SING......ING! I think he’s trying to sing “Carol of the Bells” maybe. I’m pro-choice, by the way.
8:39 – Now apparently, Newspaper Fuck’s “drum kit” is now a castle. God help me.
8:40 – Rob Halford leaves. I will miss him.
8:41 – Newspaper asshole decides to take a napkin and tries to make a tent out of it on his table. Yes... a tent... If he tries to crawl inside it and sleep I’m going to murder him.
8:45 – A gaggle of squawking teenage girls come in and the sound is something like this: “AOFNDDCOJNDCOINSIOJNNKJWNCIWJVNWIJNCWIJNCWIJCNWIJCNWIJNCWICJNWICNWI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” spiced up with 10,000 likes, ya knows, and ums, ands, OHMYGAWDS!!!! I weep for the future. Actually... No. No I don't. The future might turn into a rabid wasteland, in which case most of these assholes would be blown to oblivion and the thought of that makes me happy.
8:51 – I realize that I would definitely stay away from booze if it wasn’t for all of the other people on Earth. My liver hates you, people of Earth. This is all your fault. Not mine.
8:56 – Gaggle of obnoxious teens leave. It’s quiet. Too quiet. Time to check in with Newspaper Napkin Tent Twat.
8:57 – He’s staring at the goddamn ceiling... Jesus Tap Dancing Christ... If he starts trying to catch snowflakes on his tongue I’m going to cry.
9:05 – He hasn’t. All is well.
9:09 – WHY DO CAPPUCCINO MACHINES HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING LOUD!!??!?
9:13 – Newspaper Obnoxious Ass hasn’t done anything in the last couple of minutes. He just keeps staring at his phone. This is not like him. I’m nervous.
9:18 – He still hasn’t moved.
9:27 – HE KEEPS STAYING QUIET!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM!!! Do something, damn it! Drum! Sing! Crawl into your tent! Something!
9:29 – Ray Bradbury’s doppelganger and an Ann Ramsey look-a-like (the chick from “Throw Mama from the Train”) come in. They’re getting ice cream.
9:31 – Ann has the grossest cough I’ve ever heard. Imagine the Sarlacc Pit dying of bronchitis. It’s like that.
9:33 – I think I might actually throw up and cry at the same time. By Allah's beard! Who leaves the house in that condition!? Seriously... it's like your grandfather gargling a mouthful of cream of wheat whilst in the throws of his death rattle! Why doesn’t Newspaper Douche Nozzle do something to offset the sickness I’m feeling? Please, Jesus, let Newstwat do something to…. HE’S SINGING AGAIN!!!! YES!!!! Oh, fuck! Now he's DANCING to the trash bin to throw away his stuff! ATTA BOY, YOU DANCING FOOL! Let me focus on you to get the dying Sarlacc out of my mind!
9:34 – ALRIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF! God, I hate this fucking guy.
9:35 – Ray and the Sarlacc are leaving. And so am I. I can’t stand this Newsinging Drum Douche any longer. Especially since he's now TALKING TO HIMSELF! Things are going to get weird I fear. He has that look on his face that Nicholson had right before he chopped the door down in "The Shining". I'm fuckin' splittin'.
9:36 – As I walk out, I faintly hear Christmas music drip out of the overhead speakers like the body snot the creature secreted in “Alien”. I realize it’s going to be a long holiday season – the average month in reality; the above-average bullshit subjectively. I leave and aim my car toward traffic and darkness and stoplights and annoyances elsewhere.
8:00 – A mom walks in with three screaming byproducts of ejaculation. “I WANT CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! I WANT CHOCOLATE MOM! MOM! MOM!” You get the idea.
8:10 – A guy walks in. He has a newspaper under his arm. He lines his chair with the newspaper. He sits on the newspaper. He drinks coffee while sitting on the newspaper. I simply stare.
8:12 – “YEAH, SO BOYD AND ME WERE GOING DOWN TO THE HALL AND THIS SUM BITCH SAYS TA ME…” No, this isn’t a screaming child from before, this is a 60, 65-year-old man AND HE IS TALKING REALLY LOUD. Too goddamn loud for his own good (and mine). “YEAH, HE GAVE ME A ROLEX LAST YEAR!” “THAT RIGHT?!” That’s his friend. They're both loud talkers. I hate them. Seriously... listening to these two old schmucks... It's like listening to two old douche bags trying to out-douche the other.
8:14 – Meanwhile… “MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!”
8:16 – Mom and screaming pieces of crotch fruit finally leave. Man who looks like Rob Halford wearing slacks enters. He’s quiet. He's calm. I like this man.
8:17 - Newspaper-sitting-fucker starts tapping his foot. For no reason other to annoy the piss out of me, I suspect.
8:19 – Asinine old men finally leave. I love the film “Soylent Green”, have I ever told you that? “Logan’s Run” kicks ass too.
8:29 – Newspaper guy decides to start taking his empty coffee cups and DOES A GODDAMN DRUM SOLO ON THEM WITH PENCILS AND HIGHLIGHTERS. No, as a matter of fact, he is not a good drummer and John Bonham should come back to life and hold him down and shit in his mouth.
8:33 - NOW THE FUCKER IS SINGING TO HIMSELF!!! YES! SINGING! SING......ING! I think he’s trying to sing “Carol of the Bells” maybe. I’m pro-choice, by the way.
8:39 – Now apparently, Newspaper Fuck’s “drum kit” is now a castle. God help me.
8:40 – Rob Halford leaves. I will miss him.
8:41 – Newspaper asshole decides to take a napkin and tries to make a tent out of it on his table. Yes... a tent... If he tries to crawl inside it and sleep I’m going to murder him.
8:45 – A gaggle of squawking teenage girls come in and the sound is something like this: “AOFNDDCOJNDCOINSIOJNNKJWNCIWJVNWIJNCWIJNCWIJCNWIJCNWIJNCWICJNWICNWI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” spiced up with 10,000 likes, ya knows, and ums, ands, OHMYGAWDS!!!! I weep for the future. Actually... No. No I don't. The future might turn into a rabid wasteland, in which case most of these assholes would be blown to oblivion and the thought of that makes me happy.
8:51 – I realize that I would definitely stay away from booze if it wasn’t for all of the other people on Earth. My liver hates you, people of Earth. This is all your fault. Not mine.
8:56 – Gaggle of obnoxious teens leave. It’s quiet. Too quiet. Time to check in with Newspaper Napkin Tent Twat.
8:57 – He’s staring at the goddamn ceiling... Jesus Tap Dancing Christ... If he starts trying to catch snowflakes on his tongue I’m going to cry.
9:05 – He hasn’t. All is well.
9:09 – WHY DO CAPPUCCINO MACHINES HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING LOUD!!??!?
9:13 – Newspaper Obnoxious Ass hasn’t done anything in the last couple of minutes. He just keeps staring at his phone. This is not like him. I’m nervous.
9:18 – He still hasn’t moved.
9:27 – HE KEEPS STAYING QUIET!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM!!! Do something, damn it! Drum! Sing! Crawl into your tent! Something!
9:29 – Ray Bradbury’s doppelganger and an Ann Ramsey look-a-like (the chick from “Throw Mama from the Train”) come in. They’re getting ice cream.
9:31 – Ann has the grossest cough I’ve ever heard. Imagine the Sarlacc Pit dying of bronchitis. It’s like that.
9:33 – I think I might actually throw up and cry at the same time. By Allah's beard! Who leaves the house in that condition!? Seriously... it's like your grandfather gargling a mouthful of cream of wheat whilst in the throws of his death rattle! Why doesn’t Newspaper Douche Nozzle do something to offset the sickness I’m feeling? Please, Jesus, let Newstwat do something to…. HE’S SINGING AGAIN!!!! YES!!!! Oh, fuck! Now he's DANCING to the trash bin to throw away his stuff! ATTA BOY, YOU DANCING FOOL! Let me focus on you to get the dying Sarlacc out of my mind!
9:34 – ALRIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF! God, I hate this fucking guy.
9:35 – Ray and the Sarlacc are leaving. And so am I. I can’t stand this Newsinging Drum Douche any longer. Especially since he's now TALKING TO HIMSELF! Things are going to get weird I fear. He has that look on his face that Nicholson had right before he chopped the door down in "The Shining". I'm fuckin' splittin'.
9:36 – As I walk out, I faintly hear Christmas music drip out of the overhead speakers like the body snot the creature secreted in “Alien”. I realize it’s going to be a long holiday season – the average month in reality; the above-average bullshit subjectively. I leave and aim my car toward traffic and darkness and stoplights and annoyances elsewhere.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A Short List of Other Things the Church Advocated Burning
A Short List of Other Things the Church Advocated Burning
By Mike McHone
Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center out of Gainesville, Florida decided that it would be a good idea to burn copies of the Quran on September 11th. Now, what’s really strange about this is the fact that I thought Terry Jones of “Monty Python” played a good idiot; turns out he’s been usurped.
Burning books is never a good idea (unless, of course, you’re a Nazi, in which case it still isn’t a good idea and you should do the world a favor and die, you moron). The whole business is odd, appalling, shameful, and, let’s face it, on a really windy day it could lead to a fire safety violation and Jesus doesn’t like lawbreakers. But, of course, this isn’t the first time the church has advocated burning things. Here are a few others…
Jews during the Spanish Inquisition
Christians killed the Jews because the Jews wouldn’t convert to Christianity and accept Jesus, a Jew, as the savior. So, just to reiterate, Christians killed Jews because those Jews wouldn’t worship a particular Jew. This is why I drink.
Joan of Arc
They burned her at the stake and then they made her a saint. Now that’s what you call multitasking! (Well, we got a nice Leonard Cohen song out of it, so there’s that.)
People accused of practicing witchcraft
This occurred in Europe mainly. A common misconception is that many – quote, unquote – “witches” were burned at the stake in Salem, Mass. This never occurred. Of course many people were drowned, crushed, hanged, or drawn and quartered, but I digress.
Beatles albums
This occurred after John Lennon said, in a 1966 interview, that “the Beatles are bigger than Jesus Christ”. Technically, John wasn’t lying considering no gospel group ever outsold the Beatles and Jesus never had a number one album. To show you how hypocritical this country can be, no one ever batted an eye when a rabidly drunk Don Henley said, in a 1976 interview, that “the Eagles are bigger than Vishnu” or when Keith Richard reportedly said “Rssssss blaaaaaaph n’gerg nnnnnnn mmf.”
Crosses at night
Now, I'm not saying that all churches advocated this, just a few of them in the south whose faith was so strong in the teachings of love and tolerance in their lord Jesus Christ that they wanted to kindly share it with their black neighbors... and then hang them. Ah, you wacky believers! What will you think of next?!
By Mike McHone
Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center out of Gainesville, Florida decided that it would be a good idea to burn copies of the Quran on September 11th. Now, what’s really strange about this is the fact that I thought Terry Jones of “Monty Python” played a good idiot; turns out he’s been usurped.
Burning books is never a good idea (unless, of course, you’re a Nazi, in which case it still isn’t a good idea and you should do the world a favor and die, you moron). The whole business is odd, appalling, shameful, and, let’s face it, on a really windy day it could lead to a fire safety violation and Jesus doesn’t like lawbreakers. But, of course, this isn’t the first time the church has advocated burning things. Here are a few others…
Jews during the Spanish Inquisition
Christians killed the Jews because the Jews wouldn’t convert to Christianity and accept Jesus, a Jew, as the savior. So, just to reiterate, Christians killed Jews because those Jews wouldn’t worship a particular Jew. This is why I drink.
Joan of Arc
They burned her at the stake and then they made her a saint. Now that’s what you call multitasking! (Well, we got a nice Leonard Cohen song out of it, so there’s that.)
People accused of practicing witchcraft
This occurred in Europe mainly. A common misconception is that many – quote, unquote – “witches” were burned at the stake in Salem, Mass. This never occurred. Of course many people were drowned, crushed, hanged, or drawn and quartered, but I digress.
Beatles albums
This occurred after John Lennon said, in a 1966 interview, that “the Beatles are bigger than Jesus Christ”. Technically, John wasn’t lying considering no gospel group ever outsold the Beatles and Jesus never had a number one album. To show you how hypocritical this country can be, no one ever batted an eye when a rabidly drunk Don Henley said, in a 1976 interview, that “the Eagles are bigger than Vishnu” or when Keith Richard reportedly said “Rssssss blaaaaaaph n’gerg nnnnnnn mmf.”
Crosses at night
Now, I'm not saying that all churches advocated this, just a few of them in the south whose faith was so strong in the teachings of love and tolerance in their lord Jesus Christ that they wanted to kindly share it with their black neighbors... and then hang them. Ah, you wacky believers! What will you think of next?!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Eight things that I ponder at 4 in the morning
1.) Why is it called the Miss Universe Pagaent when only one planet competes?
2.) Why are they called the National Basketball Association and the National Hockey League when two countries (Canada and America) have teams playing in each sport? Shouldn't they therefore be called the International Basketball Association and the International Hockey League?
3.) Why are they called Music Television (MTV) and Video Hits 1 (VH1) when there is neither music or music videos on either station?
4.) Why was "According to Jim" on the air for eight goddamn years?
5.) At what age does taking pictures of your kids in the bathtub stop being cute and start becoming child pornography?
6.) If Jehova's Witnesses believe that only 144,000 people are going to Heaven then why the hell are they always out trying to convert people? Wouldn't that hurt their own chances of getting in?
7.) Whelm - (noun, verb) 1.) engulf, submerge. 2.) overwhelm.
So the definition of whelm is overwhelm? Shouldn't whelm just be whelm? You know when you're underwhelmed because nothing is going on, and you know when you're overwhelmed because too much is going on. So shouldn't being whelmed be something that describes normal everyday activity?
8.) If Harrison Ford happened to be driving a Ford in Norway and accidentally ran into Gerald Ford who was also driving a Ford in Norway, and they both ended up in two seperate fjords, would the headline the next day read "Fords Fords in Fjords"?
2.) Why are they called the National Basketball Association and the National Hockey League when two countries (Canada and America) have teams playing in each sport? Shouldn't they therefore be called the International Basketball Association and the International Hockey League?
3.) Why are they called Music Television (MTV) and Video Hits 1 (VH1) when there is neither music or music videos on either station?
4.) Why was "According to Jim" on the air for eight goddamn years?
5.) At what age does taking pictures of your kids in the bathtub stop being cute and start becoming child pornography?
6.) If Jehova's Witnesses believe that only 144,000 people are going to Heaven then why the hell are they always out trying to convert people? Wouldn't that hurt their own chances of getting in?
7.) Whelm - (noun, verb) 1.) engulf, submerge. 2.) overwhelm.
So the definition of whelm is overwhelm? Shouldn't whelm just be whelm? You know when you're underwhelmed because nothing is going on, and you know when you're overwhelmed because too much is going on. So shouldn't being whelmed be something that describes normal everyday activity?
8.) If Harrison Ford happened to be driving a Ford in Norway and accidentally ran into Gerald Ford who was also driving a Ford in Norway, and they both ended up in two seperate fjords, would the headline the next day read "Fords Fords in Fjords"?
Monday, August 16, 2010
An Islamic Center Near Ground Zero!?!? No way, I don't... Oh, wait... There's already one four blocks away? Never mind.
Yeah, yeah, long title, I know, but that pretty much sums up my feelings on this stupid ass non-issue. One thing that I always loved about this culture: Most of us shout until blood pours out of our throats about how we adore the Constitution and our freedom and our First and Second Amendments, but we're willing to throw all of that out of the damn window when a small group of people does something that the rest of us don't like.
As the title says there's already an Islamic Center next to Ground Zero. It's four blocks away and has been there for years. In that time how many "radicals" have they churned out? Zero. How many suicide bombings have they carried out? Zero. How many Holy Wars have they started? Zero.
You know, there are a billion Muslims in the world and approximately 10,000 radical Muslims. So, technically, only .001% of all Muslims want to run planes into buildings and blow their stupid goddamn selves up in marketplaces so they can cornhole 72 virgins in the afterlife. Now, since we're talking math here, let's look at Christianity. Approximately 4% of all Catholic priests between the years 1950 and 2002 have been accused of, convicted of, or under suspicion of molesting, raping, and torturing children. That's 1 in 25. Which means, mathmatically, we should be less concerned about Mulims building an Islamic Center near Ground Zero and more concerned about Catholic Churches near playgounds, schools, and parks.
My God, people, think of the children!!!!
Here's a bitter pill to swallow for most of you: You do realize that the idea of the Bill of Rights is exactly democratic right? Democracy is sometimes less about giving the masses what they want and sometimes more about protecting a minority, even if that minority prays to a different god than you do... Which, of course, the Muslims DON'T pray to a different god than you Christians do. You do understand that, right? Kind of puts a little damper on that whole Crusades thing, doesn't it? I mean, if you're going to declare a war on someone's religion, shouldn't they be worshiping a different guy completely? Oh, well. It's probably all a part of His Divine Plan.
Now I could understand this whole dust up about an Islamic Center going in near Ground Zero if there wasn't already one there already. Or if there weren't already 700,000 Muslims living in New York City alone. Or if there weren't already about 90 mosques within the vicinity of Ground Zero. In other words, THEY'RE ALREADY THERE AND THEY HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING VIOLENT. LET IT FUCKING GO. Either that or we can just go to war with them. You know, since it's worked so well in the past.
You know, if you're Catholic you probably took issue with what I said a few paragraphs ago. That's exactly my intention. If you got offended over what I said, imagine someone lumping ALL Catholics into the categories of child molesters. You'd be extremely offended, right? Now, try to take that offense and parlay it into an understanding of how the Muslims feel about being lumped together with a bunch of assholes who want to kill people in the name of their god.
Until we actually hear back from Jehova (or Yahweh, or Allah), maybe we should stop thinking that our own way of talking to him, giving him money, and killing for him is the only way of going about it.
As the title says there's already an Islamic Center next to Ground Zero. It's four blocks away and has been there for years. In that time how many "radicals" have they churned out? Zero. How many suicide bombings have they carried out? Zero. How many Holy Wars have they started? Zero.
You know, there are a billion Muslims in the world and approximately 10,000 radical Muslims. So, technically, only .001% of all Muslims want to run planes into buildings and blow their stupid goddamn selves up in marketplaces so they can cornhole 72 virgins in the afterlife. Now, since we're talking math here, let's look at Christianity. Approximately 4% of all Catholic priests between the years 1950 and 2002 have been accused of, convicted of, or under suspicion of molesting, raping, and torturing children. That's 1 in 25. Which means, mathmatically, we should be less concerned about Mulims building an Islamic Center near Ground Zero and more concerned about Catholic Churches near playgounds, schools, and parks.
My God, people, think of the children!!!!
Here's a bitter pill to swallow for most of you: You do realize that the idea of the Bill of Rights is exactly democratic right? Democracy is sometimes less about giving the masses what they want and sometimes more about protecting a minority, even if that minority prays to a different god than you do... Which, of course, the Muslims DON'T pray to a different god than you Christians do. You do understand that, right? Kind of puts a little damper on that whole Crusades thing, doesn't it? I mean, if you're going to declare a war on someone's religion, shouldn't they be worshiping a different guy completely? Oh, well. It's probably all a part of His Divine Plan.
Now I could understand this whole dust up about an Islamic Center going in near Ground Zero if there wasn't already one there already. Or if there weren't already 700,000 Muslims living in New York City alone. Or if there weren't already about 90 mosques within the vicinity of Ground Zero. In other words, THEY'RE ALREADY THERE AND THEY HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING VIOLENT. LET IT FUCKING GO. Either that or we can just go to war with them. You know, since it's worked so well in the past.
You know, if you're Catholic you probably took issue with what I said a few paragraphs ago. That's exactly my intention. If you got offended over what I said, imagine someone lumping ALL Catholics into the categories of child molesters. You'd be extremely offended, right? Now, try to take that offense and parlay it into an understanding of how the Muslims feel about being lumped together with a bunch of assholes who want to kill people in the name of their god.
Until we actually hear back from Jehova (or Yahweh, or Allah), maybe we should stop thinking that our own way of talking to him, giving him money, and killing for him is the only way of going about it.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Editing Cal Thomas' "Helen Thomas' Other Sin"
HELEN THOMAS' OTHER SIN
BY CAL THOMAS (and Mike McHone)
The original drivel is spewed by Cal Thomas, a guy that contributes to Fox News. The bold and beautiful comments are by Mike McHone.
The real question about Helen Thomas' (I wonder if she's related to Cal Thomas?) abrupt departure from her job as a syndicated columnist and from her speaker's bureau is: what took so long? (Fox was busy bashing that black guy in the White House?)
Thomas' (no relation) (well, that answers my question) views about Jews, Israel and Arabs have been know for many years. She has spoken in private -- and in public -- against Israel and the Jewish people and for the Palestinians and Arabs for as long as I can remember. This time, though, her remarks were caught on video by a rabbi at a White House event observing Jewish Heritage. It was a perfect, bigoted storm. (Yes, dear Jehova, how dare those Jews be so Jewy!!! I mean... Wait, did you say she was going to a JEWISH HERITAGE EVENT?!)
The White House Correspondents Association, which surely knew of her views, (and if she were a real, dyed in wool yarmulke anti-Semite, she would've probably been invited to the Oval Office by Nixon, LBJ, or even Billy Graham for a little one on one Jew-hatin' fest.) allowed Thomas to have the first row, middle seat at White House press briefings and front row status at rare presidential news conferences. (How dare a woman who's been on the same job for nearly 60 years be afforded such luxury! The next thing you know, she's gonna want BENEFITS and SOCIAL SECURITY when she retires! The fucking nerve!) If she were a conservative who held racist or misogynist views, she surely would have been gone much sooner. Some prejudices are tolerated more than others. (Yeah! Christ, I mean if, say, Ann Coulter called Thomas' an "old Arab" - pronounced "Ay-Raab" - she would've more than likely lost her job... Oh, wait! NO SHE DIDN'T, ASSFACE: http://www.moveleft.com/moveleft_essay_2005_02_27_lust_ann_coulter_makes_racist_remark_about_reporter_helen_thomas.asp)
Helen Thomas is not alone. (Neither are we in the universe, Cal.) Other journalists share similar views about Israel and Jews. Instead of being embarrassed by her, someone should demand a survey be taken of all other correspondents to see if they share her opinions. (Are you trying to tell me that people who tout themselves to be a part of a mainstream media actually let their bias slip into their stories? Well, thank Allah we have Fox to point this out for us!)
Helen Thomas' real sin -- in addition to the obvious -- is that she exposed Washington journalists as having strong personal opinions about the subjects they cover. (I just don't get this whole bias thing. Again, thank L. Ron Hubbard for Fox!) And so she had to be expelled from the fraternity/sorority of "objective" and "unbiased" journalists who only report and let us decide. Sure! (Oh, I see waht you did there, with the whole "report" and "decide" thing! Clever! And by "clever" I mean "You're a twat, now die in a fire.")
BY CAL THOMAS (and Mike McHone)
The original drivel is spewed by Cal Thomas, a guy that contributes to Fox News. The bold and beautiful comments are by Mike McHone.
The real question about Helen Thomas' (I wonder if she's related to Cal Thomas?) abrupt departure from her job as a syndicated columnist and from her speaker's bureau is: what took so long? (Fox was busy bashing that black guy in the White House?)
Thomas' (no relation) (well, that answers my question) views about Jews, Israel and Arabs have been know for many years. She has spoken in private -- and in public -- against Israel and the Jewish people and for the Palestinians and Arabs for as long as I can remember. This time, though, her remarks were caught on video by a rabbi at a White House event observing Jewish Heritage. It was a perfect, bigoted storm. (Yes, dear Jehova, how dare those Jews be so Jewy!!! I mean... Wait, did you say she was going to a JEWISH HERITAGE EVENT?!)
The White House Correspondents Association, which surely knew of her views, (and if she were a real, dyed in wool yarmulke anti-Semite, she would've probably been invited to the Oval Office by Nixon, LBJ, or even Billy Graham for a little one on one Jew-hatin' fest.) allowed Thomas to have the first row, middle seat at White House press briefings and front row status at rare presidential news conferences. (How dare a woman who's been on the same job for nearly 60 years be afforded such luxury! The next thing you know, she's gonna want BENEFITS and SOCIAL SECURITY when she retires! The fucking nerve!) If she were a conservative who held racist or misogynist views, she surely would have been gone much sooner. Some prejudices are tolerated more than others. (Yeah! Christ, I mean if, say, Ann Coulter called Thomas' an "old Arab" - pronounced "Ay-Raab" - she would've more than likely lost her job... Oh, wait! NO SHE DIDN'T, ASSFACE: http://www.moveleft.com/moveleft_essay_2005_02_27_lust_ann_coulter_makes_racist_remark_about_reporter_helen_thomas.asp)
Helen Thomas is not alone. (Neither are we in the universe, Cal.) Other journalists share similar views about Israel and Jews. Instead of being embarrassed by her, someone should demand a survey be taken of all other correspondents to see if they share her opinions. (Are you trying to tell me that people who tout themselves to be a part of a mainstream media actually let their bias slip into their stories? Well, thank Allah we have Fox to point this out for us!)
Helen Thomas' real sin -- in addition to the obvious -- is that she exposed Washington journalists as having strong personal opinions about the subjects they cover. (I just don't get this whole bias thing. Again, thank L. Ron Hubbard for Fox!) And so she had to be expelled from the fraternity/sorority of "objective" and "unbiased" journalists who only report and let us decide. Sure! (Oh, I see waht you did there, with the whole "report" and "decide" thing! Clever! And by "clever" I mean "You're a twat, now die in a fire.")
Friday, June 4, 2010
Glenn Beck: No Excuse for Making Fun of Obama's Daughter
THEY "REPORT". YOU DECIDE. I MAKE IT BETTER.
Glenn Beck: No Excuse for Making Fun of Obama's Daughter
June 1, 2010 - 22:19 ET
This piece was originally written by Glenn Beck. The additions in bold are mine. - Mike McHone
I want to talk with you about something that no TV executive or PR consultant in their right mind would advise me to do. (Your hemorrhoids?) It's completely counter-intuitive for me to bring this up again, there is absolutely nothing to gain by doing so. (Cool. So we’re done then? Can I -)
It happened (Fuck.) over a three-day weekend and that's the best time for a story to be lost. But the times have changed; we are living in much different times (We know. You just said they changed.), everything is changing (So, you’re saying that it’s changed? How did I miss that?) and because of that, we must too.
Last Friday (The movie with Ice Cube and John Witherspoon?) , in a bit on my radio program where I was ridiculing the president for his constant use of children as a tactic to further his agenda or shield himself, I broke my own rule (You talked about Fight Club?) : I made fun of the president and his children (“So, four blacks walk into a recession…” ) . I could tell you that it was misinterpreted, poorly handled or I misspoke. (Or that you’re a douche, but go on.) I could use the politician-in-trouble phrase: "the only point I was simply making was...."
Honestly, that's what I told myself for an hour or so after I got off the air, but there is something more here that I need to share because it is powerfully destructive. (So, what you’re saying is the point that you were simply trying to make was…?) I honestly didn't think I was making fun of his children, but my wife spoke to me in the softest tones about an hour after I got off air; all she said was, "I heard your show today. Why would you make fun of the president's children?" (“And why didn’t you pick up the Vagisil like I asked you?”)
I immediately snapped at her. I told her I wasn't making fun of his children and that's how they would spin it (“Finished with my woman ‘cause she couldn’t help me with my mind” – Black Sabbath, ‘Paranoid’) and she didn't know how this media cabal worked? (Why do you have a question mark at the end of this statement? That dang old media cabal at work again, eh?) She didn't know these people; I do, I have to look at them and their words and actions every day. (“I’m in the thick of it, man! I’ve seen things, man! I’ve seen shit that’ll turn you white!”)
My wife didn't respond. (It was hard to as she was going down on me! BAM!) She just looked at me and said, I understand. She did understand, I just wouldn't admit it yet to myself. I immediately wrote an apology, prayed and apologized to my wife. (So did you read from the apology that you wrote, or did you wing it?) There is no excuse or reason to ever come close to the line of dragging someone's family into the debate. I never have until last Friday and I hope that's my bottom. (No, I think your bottom was when you made fun of a woman’s dead child when you were a shock jock, you fucking cunt. But that’s just my humble opinion. Do go on.)
All Friday, I asked myself, how could it have happened? (You’re a douche?) I have an answer (You ARE a douche?!) but not an excuse (Oh.) . I share my answer because it leads me to something that I think is important for all of us. (A healthy diet?)
This sometimes feels like a pretty lonely job. (I feel lonely too, Glenn.) And I think you probably feel lonely at times too. (I just said that!) I don't think we're all that different; we gather here everyday at five o'clock to figure out what is going on in our country. (Wow, you’re like Marvin Gaye, but white… and not that talented… and not sexy…) We wonder how we see things and no one else sees it. Why aren't they awake? (Your show put them to sleep? BAM!) I feel it is my responsibility to tell you what I believe is happening. (“Dogs and cats living together… Mass hysteria!”)
I thought others in the media would join me if I could back up my arguments and also have a good track record on being right with outlining the things to come. I have done both and still those in the media remain silent. I am not sure any of them watch anymore because somehow they have convinced themselves that there is nothing here but a show, a guy trying to make money. (“I could give a flying crap about the political process.” – Glenn Beck, quoted in the April 26 issue of ‘Forbes’) But you know and I both know that's not the case. (So, Glenn Beck is refuting what Glenn Beck said a few months ago? Why has the media remained silent?!?!?) Believe me, there are easier ways to make money. (Hocking gold for instance?)
Do you want to be the one doing this? Spreading this message? What do you get out of it? (Book deals, a television show, speaking engagements, commencement addresses, the knowledge that I know that I can spout anything – like I’m doing now – and couldn’t give a crap about the political process, and make millions a year. No thanks. I’d rather beat off strangers at a truck stop.) What's your motivation for watching this show? (Because “Arrested Development” was canceled and this is the funniest shit we’ve got.) I would give it all up gladly to be wrong. But I fear I am not. (But do you fear the reaper? The seasons don’t. The wind, sun, and rain don’t either.)
Even Barack Obama — you can't tell me that he doesn't real rage. (I suppose you mean “feel rage”? Unless of course you’re trying out a new white-based ebonics on us.) It is common and natural, but unless we recognize it, it's dangerous. I think we are all upset. I am upset. I'm upset that with so many in this country, the truth just doesn't seem to matter anymore. (Insert Jack Nicholson’s line from "A Few Good Men" here.)
There is a well-known cycle of destruction of great societies that's been chronicled throughout history that seems to be happening now. It's the move from freedom to apostasy/apathy to bondage (Oh, kinky!) to humility (Kinkier!) to restoration back to freedom. We just talked about this cycle in Sunday school at church (By church you mean that Mormon place that you go to where you believe that Joe Smith told his wife that God said it was okay to bang a bunch of different chicks? Gotcha.) and I was very frustrated that we seem to have passed apostasy as a nation and are headed toward bondage. Shouldn't we be having the conversation about how to avoid bondage and go directly to the good parts of this cycle again?
I don't swear anymore, I gave it up along with drinking and sleeping in on Sundays, (Yeah, those football games start too early, don’t they?) it was hard for me as I was very good at it. Last week, I noticed I was using foul language (You just said you don’t swear! That’s like an alcoholic who hasn’t had a drink in two days saying he’s given up the sauce!) and calling people names. I was shocked to hear those words come out of my mouth, but at the time, I felt justified. And quite honestly, it felt good. (Like bondage?) They deserved it and frankly so did I. (Oh, so it WAS like bondage.)
I should have known. (Yeah, you really should have.) I should have heard the Emperor's voice in my best "Star Wars" memories: "Yes, give in to the Dark Side. Release your anger and your transformation to the Dark Side will be complete." (It’s “give in to your ANGER” and “your JOURNEY TOWARDS the Dark Side will be complete” assface!)
I lost sight: It's not transformation, it's restoration. (It’s not even TRANSFORMATION, it’s “journey toward”, numb nuts!) The same question we avoid asking in this country, we avoid asking ourselves: Who am I?
At my Liberty University commencement speech, part of the advice I gave was to not let life wash over you wave by wave. (So never take a ride with Ted Kennedy then? BAM AGAIN!) You're not a rock because even the strongest rocks are eventually broken down. (Are you suggesting that erosion is possible and through many years of land shifts and a through long shifts in tectonic plate patterns a CHANGE in CLIMATE could occur? Glenn, ya'll be crazier than a muthafukka, man!) You have to question with boldness, explore and create who we are — I know, because I did it. But sometimes you forget that it is a never-ending process. Life is a wave and last week the waves just crashed into me. (Life is a box of chocolates and last week I got diabetes.)
Who have to ask ourselves who we are and who we want to become. (We must also ask ourselves that why for not they have copyeditors there at Fox an why can’t they end questions with the question markers.)
On Friday night, my wife and I went out to see "Robin Hood." It is the best version of that story that I think I have seen. Long story short: The king of France is landing his army on the sands of England, but Robin Hood has brought the people of England together as one. (So, it was less like "Robin Hood" and more like the retarded cousin of “Henry V”?) The king sees this and feels he has been misled. He tells the ships to turn around because he knows his soldiers cannot win against a united people. He then says, this does not look like a country fighting against itself. (So what you’re saying is that a story about a guy who was famous for robbing from the rich and giving to the poor sparked some insight in you? Glenn Beck, you fucking socialist!!!!!)
I realized why the hatred had been growing in me and its real power to destroy. (BECK SMASH!) And my apology to the president and all those I disappointed wasn't enough. But it wasn't until I heard the line about fighting within ourselves, that I realized what I was supposed to do. (With great douche-baggery comes great responsibility.)
Times are changing and so must we. (Thank you, Bob Dylan.) We have to raise the bar higher. Do you feel it yet? (I ask that of every woman I sleep with.) Everything is about to change and we are faced with a choice. (And if you choose not to decide you STILL have made a choice.)
Glenn Beck: No Excuse for Making Fun of Obama's Daughter
June 1, 2010 - 22:19 ET
This piece was originally written by Glenn Beck. The additions in bold are mine. - Mike McHone
I want to talk with you about something that no TV executive or PR consultant in their right mind would advise me to do. (Your hemorrhoids?) It's completely counter-intuitive for me to bring this up again, there is absolutely nothing to gain by doing so. (Cool. So we’re done then? Can I -)
It happened (Fuck.) over a three-day weekend and that's the best time for a story to be lost. But the times have changed; we are living in much different times (We know. You just said they changed.), everything is changing (So, you’re saying that it’s changed? How did I miss that?) and because of that, we must too.
Last Friday (The movie with Ice Cube and John Witherspoon?) , in a bit on my radio program where I was ridiculing the president for his constant use of children as a tactic to further his agenda or shield himself, I broke my own rule (You talked about Fight Club?) : I made fun of the president and his children (“So, four blacks walk into a recession…” ) . I could tell you that it was misinterpreted, poorly handled or I misspoke. (Or that you’re a douche, but go on.) I could use the politician-in-trouble phrase: "the only point I was simply making was...."
Honestly, that's what I told myself for an hour or so after I got off the air, but there is something more here that I need to share because it is powerfully destructive. (So, what you’re saying is the point that you were simply trying to make was…?) I honestly didn't think I was making fun of his children, but my wife spoke to me in the softest tones about an hour after I got off air; all she said was, "I heard your show today. Why would you make fun of the president's children?" (“And why didn’t you pick up the Vagisil like I asked you?”)
I immediately snapped at her. I told her I wasn't making fun of his children and that's how they would spin it (“Finished with my woman ‘cause she couldn’t help me with my mind” – Black Sabbath, ‘Paranoid’) and she didn't know how this media cabal worked? (Why do you have a question mark at the end of this statement? That dang old media cabal at work again, eh?) She didn't know these people; I do, I have to look at them and their words and actions every day. (“I’m in the thick of it, man! I’ve seen things, man! I’ve seen shit that’ll turn you white!”)
My wife didn't respond. (It was hard to as she was going down on me! BAM!) She just looked at me and said, I understand. She did understand, I just wouldn't admit it yet to myself. I immediately wrote an apology, prayed and apologized to my wife. (So did you read from the apology that you wrote, or did you wing it?) There is no excuse or reason to ever come close to the line of dragging someone's family into the debate. I never have until last Friday and I hope that's my bottom. (No, I think your bottom was when you made fun of a woman’s dead child when you were a shock jock, you fucking cunt. But that’s just my humble opinion. Do go on.)
All Friday, I asked myself, how could it have happened? (You’re a douche?) I have an answer (You ARE a douche?!) but not an excuse (Oh.) . I share my answer because it leads me to something that I think is important for all of us. (A healthy diet?)
This sometimes feels like a pretty lonely job. (I feel lonely too, Glenn.) And I think you probably feel lonely at times too. (I just said that!) I don't think we're all that different; we gather here everyday at five o'clock to figure out what is going on in our country. (Wow, you’re like Marvin Gaye, but white… and not that talented… and not sexy…) We wonder how we see things and no one else sees it. Why aren't they awake? (Your show put them to sleep? BAM!) I feel it is my responsibility to tell you what I believe is happening. (“Dogs and cats living together… Mass hysteria!”)
I thought others in the media would join me if I could back up my arguments and also have a good track record on being right with outlining the things to come. I have done both and still those in the media remain silent. I am not sure any of them watch anymore because somehow they have convinced themselves that there is nothing here but a show, a guy trying to make money. (“I could give a flying crap about the political process.” – Glenn Beck, quoted in the April 26 issue of ‘Forbes’) But you know and I both know that's not the case. (So, Glenn Beck is refuting what Glenn Beck said a few months ago? Why has the media remained silent?!?!?) Believe me, there are easier ways to make money. (Hocking gold for instance?)
Do you want to be the one doing this? Spreading this message? What do you get out of it? (Book deals, a television show, speaking engagements, commencement addresses, the knowledge that I know that I can spout anything – like I’m doing now – and couldn’t give a crap about the political process, and make millions a year. No thanks. I’d rather beat off strangers at a truck stop.) What's your motivation for watching this show? (Because “Arrested Development” was canceled and this is the funniest shit we’ve got.) I would give it all up gladly to be wrong. But I fear I am not. (But do you fear the reaper? The seasons don’t. The wind, sun, and rain don’t either.)
Even Barack Obama — you can't tell me that he doesn't real rage. (I suppose you mean “feel rage”? Unless of course you’re trying out a new white-based ebonics on us.) It is common and natural, but unless we recognize it, it's dangerous. I think we are all upset. I am upset. I'm upset that with so many in this country, the truth just doesn't seem to matter anymore. (Insert Jack Nicholson’s line from "A Few Good Men" here.)
There is a well-known cycle of destruction of great societies that's been chronicled throughout history that seems to be happening now. It's the move from freedom to apostasy/apathy to bondage (Oh, kinky!) to humility (Kinkier!) to restoration back to freedom. We just talked about this cycle in Sunday school at church (By church you mean that Mormon place that you go to where you believe that Joe Smith told his wife that God said it was okay to bang a bunch of different chicks? Gotcha.) and I was very frustrated that we seem to have passed apostasy as a nation and are headed toward bondage. Shouldn't we be having the conversation about how to avoid bondage and go directly to the good parts of this cycle again?
I don't swear anymore, I gave it up along with drinking and sleeping in on Sundays, (Yeah, those football games start too early, don’t they?) it was hard for me as I was very good at it. Last week, I noticed I was using foul language (You just said you don’t swear! That’s like an alcoholic who hasn’t had a drink in two days saying he’s given up the sauce!) and calling people names. I was shocked to hear those words come out of my mouth, but at the time, I felt justified. And quite honestly, it felt good. (Like bondage?) They deserved it and frankly so did I. (Oh, so it WAS like bondage.)
I should have known. (Yeah, you really should have.) I should have heard the Emperor's voice in my best "Star Wars" memories: "Yes, give in to the Dark Side. Release your anger and your transformation to the Dark Side will be complete." (It’s “give in to your ANGER” and “your JOURNEY TOWARDS the Dark Side will be complete” assface!)
I lost sight: It's not transformation, it's restoration. (It’s not even TRANSFORMATION, it’s “journey toward”, numb nuts!) The same question we avoid asking in this country, we avoid asking ourselves: Who am I?
At my Liberty University commencement speech, part of the advice I gave was to not let life wash over you wave by wave. (So never take a ride with Ted Kennedy then? BAM AGAIN!) You're not a rock because even the strongest rocks are eventually broken down. (Are you suggesting that erosion is possible and through many years of land shifts and a through long shifts in tectonic plate patterns a CHANGE in CLIMATE could occur? Glenn, ya'll be crazier than a muthafukka, man!) You have to question with boldness, explore and create who we are — I know, because I did it. But sometimes you forget that it is a never-ending process. Life is a wave and last week the waves just crashed into me. (Life is a box of chocolates and last week I got diabetes.)
Who have to ask ourselves who we are and who we want to become. (We must also ask ourselves that why for not they have copyeditors there at Fox an why can’t they end questions with the question markers.)
On Friday night, my wife and I went out to see "Robin Hood." It is the best version of that story that I think I have seen. Long story short: The king of France is landing his army on the sands of England, but Robin Hood has brought the people of England together as one. (So, it was less like "Robin Hood" and more like the retarded cousin of “Henry V”?) The king sees this and feels he has been misled. He tells the ships to turn around because he knows his soldiers cannot win against a united people. He then says, this does not look like a country fighting against itself. (So what you’re saying is that a story about a guy who was famous for robbing from the rich and giving to the poor sparked some insight in you? Glenn Beck, you fucking socialist!!!!!)
I realized why the hatred had been growing in me and its real power to destroy. (BECK SMASH!) And my apology to the president and all those I disappointed wasn't enough. But it wasn't until I heard the line about fighting within ourselves, that I realized what I was supposed to do. (With great douche-baggery comes great responsibility.)
Times are changing and so must we. (Thank you, Bob Dylan.) We have to raise the bar higher. Do you feel it yet? (I ask that of every woman I sleep with.) Everything is about to change and we are faced with a choice. (And if you choose not to decide you STILL have made a choice.)
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