Glenn Beck: No Excuse for Making Fun of Obama's Daughter

THEY "REPORT". YOU DECIDE. I MAKE IT BETTER.


Glenn Beck: No Excuse for Making Fun of Obama's Daughter
June 1, 2010 - 22:19 ET

This piece was originally written by Glenn Beck. The additions in bold are mine. - Mike McHone


I want to talk with you about something that no TV executive or PR consultant in their right mind would advise me to do. (Your hemorrhoids?) It's completely counter-intuitive for me to bring this up again, there is absolutely nothing to gain by doing so. (Cool. So we’re done then? Can I -)

It happened (Fuck.) over a three-day weekend and that's the best time for a story to be lost. But the times have changed; we are living in much different times (We know. You just said they changed.), everything is changing (So, you’re saying that it’s changed? How did I miss that?) and because of that, we must too.

Last Friday (The movie with Ice Cube and John Witherspoon?) , in a bit on my radio program where I was ridiculing the president for his constant use of children as a tactic to further his agenda or shield himself, I broke my own rule (You talked about Fight Club?) : I made fun of the president and his children (“So, four blacks walk into a recession…” ) . I could tell you that it was misinterpreted, poorly handled or I misspoke. (Or that you’re a douche, but go on.) I could use the politician-in-trouble phrase: "the only point I was simply making was...."

Honestly, that's what I told myself for an hour or so after I got off the air, but there is something more here that I need to share because it is powerfully destructive. (So, what you’re saying is the point that you were simply trying to make was…?) I honestly didn't think I was making fun of his children, but my wife spoke to me in the softest tones about an hour after I got off air; all she said was, "I heard your show today. Why would you make fun of the president's children?" (“And why didn’t you pick up the Vagisil like I asked you?”)

I immediately snapped at her. I told her I wasn't making fun of his children and that's how they would spin it (“Finished with my woman ‘cause she couldn’t help me with my mind” – Black Sabbath, ‘Paranoid’) and she didn't know how this media cabal worked? (Why do you have a question mark at the end of this statement? That dang old media cabal at work again, eh?) She didn't know these people; I do, I have to look at them and their words and actions every day. (“I’m in the thick of it, man! I’ve seen things, man! I’ve seen shit that’ll turn you white!”)

My wife didn't respond. (It was hard to as she was going down on me! BAM!) She just looked at me and said, I understand. She did understand, I just wouldn't admit it yet to myself. I immediately wrote an apology, prayed and apologized to my wife. (So did you read from the apology that you wrote, or did you wing it?) There is no excuse or reason to ever come close to the line of dragging someone's family into the debate. I never have until last Friday and I hope that's my bottom. (No, I think your bottom was when you made fun of a woman’s dead child when you were a shock jock, you fucking cunt. But that’s just my humble opinion. Do go on.)

All Friday, I asked myself, how could it have happened? (You’re a douche?) I have an answer (You ARE a douche?!) but not an excuse (Oh.) . I share my answer because it leads me to something that I think is important for all of us. (A healthy diet?)

This sometimes feels like a pretty lonely job. (I feel lonely too, Glenn.) And I think you probably feel lonely at times too. (I just said that!) I don't think we're all that different; we gather here everyday at five o'clock to figure out what is going on in our country. (Wow, you’re like Marvin Gaye, but white… and not that talented… and not sexy…) We wonder how we see things and no one else sees it. Why aren't they awake? (Your show put them to sleep? BAM!) I feel it is my responsibility to tell you what I believe is happening. (“Dogs and cats living together… Mass hysteria!”)

I thought others in the media would join me if I could back up my arguments and also have a good track record on being right with outlining the things to come. I have done both and still those in the media remain silent. I am not sure any of them watch anymore because somehow they have convinced themselves that there is nothing here but a show, a guy trying to make money. (“I could give a flying crap about the political process.” – Glenn Beck, quoted in the April 26 issue of ‘Forbes’) But you know and I both know that's not the case. (So, Glenn Beck is refuting what Glenn Beck said a few months ago? Why has the media remained silent?!?!?) Believe me, there are easier ways to make money. (Hocking gold for instance?)

Do you want to be the one doing this? Spreading this message? What do you get out of it? (Book deals, a television show, speaking engagements, commencement addresses, the knowledge that I know that I can spout anything – like I’m doing now – and couldn’t give a crap about the political process, and make millions a year. No thanks. I’d rather beat off strangers at a truck stop.) What's your motivation for watching this show? (Because “Arrested Development” was canceled and this is the funniest shit we’ve got.) I would give it all up gladly to be wrong. But I fear I am not. (But do you fear the reaper? The seasons don’t. The wind, sun, and rain don’t either.)

Even Barack Obama — you can't tell me that he doesn't real rage. (I suppose you mean “feel rage”? Unless of course you’re trying out a new white-based ebonics on us.) It is common and natural, but unless we recognize it, it's dangerous. I think we are all upset. I am upset. I'm upset that with so many in this country, the truth just doesn't seem to matter anymore. (Insert Jack Nicholson’s line from "A Few Good Men" here.)

There is a well-known cycle of destruction of great societies that's been chronicled throughout history that seems to be happening now. It's the move from freedom to apostasy/apathy to bondage (Oh, kinky!) to humility (Kinkier!) to restoration back to freedom. We just talked about this cycle in Sunday school at church (By church you mean that Mormon place that you go to where you believe that Joe Smith told his wife that God said it was okay to bang a bunch of different chicks? Gotcha.) and I was very frustrated that we seem to have passed apostasy as a nation and are headed toward bondage. Shouldn't we be having the conversation about how to avoid bondage and go directly to the good parts of this cycle again?

I don't swear anymore, I gave it up along with drinking and sleeping in on Sundays, (Yeah, those football games start too early, don’t they?) it was hard for me as I was very good at it. Last week, I noticed I was using foul language (You just said you don’t swear! That’s like an alcoholic who hasn’t had a drink in two days saying he’s given up the sauce!) and calling people names. I was shocked to hear those words come out of my mouth, but at the time, I felt justified. And quite honestly, it felt good. (Like bondage?) They deserved it and frankly so did I. (Oh, so it WAS like bondage.)

I should have known. (Yeah, you really should have.) I should have heard the Emperor's voice in my best "Star Wars" memories: "Yes, give in to the Dark Side. Release your anger and your transformation to the Dark Side will be complete." (It’s “give in to your ANGER” and “your JOURNEY TOWARDS the Dark Side will be complete” assface!)

I lost sight: It's not transformation, it's restoration. (It’s not even TRANSFORMATION, it’s “journey toward”, numb nuts!) The same question we avoid asking in this country, we avoid asking ourselves: Who am I?

At my Liberty University commencement speech, part of the advice I gave was to not let life wash over you wave by wave. (So never take a ride with Ted Kennedy then? BAM AGAIN!) You're not a rock because even the strongest rocks are eventually broken down. (Are you suggesting that erosion is possible and through many years of land shifts and a through long shifts in tectonic plate patterns a CHANGE in CLIMATE could occur? Glenn, ya'll be crazier than a muthafukka, man!) You have to question with boldness, explore and create who we are — I know, because I did it. But sometimes you forget that it is a never-ending process. Life is a wave and last week the waves just crashed into me. (Life is a box of chocolates and last week I got diabetes.)

Who have to ask ourselves who we are and who we want to become. (We must also ask ourselves that why for not they have copyeditors there at Fox an why can’t they end questions with the question markers.)

On Friday night, my wife and I went out to see "Robin Hood." It is the best version of that story that I think I have seen. Long story short: The king of France is landing his army on the sands of England, but Robin Hood has brought the people of England together as one. (So, it was less like "Robin Hood" and more like the retarded cousin of “Henry V”?) The king sees this and feels he has been misled. He tells the ships to turn around because he knows his soldiers cannot win against a united people. He then says, this does not look like a country fighting against itself. (So what you’re saying is that a story about a guy who was famous for robbing from the rich and giving to the poor sparked some insight in you? Glenn Beck, you fucking socialist!!!!!)

I realized why the hatred had been growing in me and its real power to destroy. (BECK SMASH!) And my apology to the president and all those I disappointed wasn't enough. But it wasn't until I heard the line about fighting within ourselves, that I realized what I was supposed to do. (With great douche-baggery comes great responsibility.)

Times are changing and so must we. (Thank you, Bob Dylan.) We have to raise the bar higher. Do you feel it yet? (I ask that of every woman I sleep with.) Everything is about to change and we are faced with a choice. (And if you choose not to decide you STILL have made a choice.)