To celebrate the Fab Four's version of Rock Band, I've come up with a list as to WHY they're the greatest band ever. I know, I know, you're probably sick of reading lists and you probably might think to yourself, "Hey, I really could have sex with my own cousin." Well, that's your own demented row to how, buster. Anyhoozle, here are just a few random reasons the Beatles kick ass:
1.) 20 Number One Hits on the Billboard Pop Charts. No one touches them in this area. The only one that comes close is Elvis. What's weird is, Elvis had more number one hits in the UK, the Beatles homeland!
2.) They have sold more physical albums than any other entity on planet Earth, to the tune of 1,010,000,000 albums. Yeah. Billion. BILLION!!! With a B. That includes all LPs, cassettes, CDs, singles, and so forth. This DOES NOT include stuff purchased online. So, technically, we could estimate that, if we were to spead it around, 1/3 of the human race could own something by the Beatles... Yeah. Your favorite band sounds like a failure now, doesn't it?
3.) Not only did they dominate the music charts, the also had a hand in giving a shot of cool into the film industry and television industry. The Ed Sullivan Show's ratings were off the damn charts when they appeared in Nov. of 1964, and "A Hard Days Night" is considered one of the greatest films ever made. Now, only if Rob Zombie could realize this and stop raping our eyes with his celluloid idiocy....
4.) They changed the game for pop/rock songwriters. Taking a cue from Bob Dylan, the Beatles knew the importance of writing their own material. In fact, they were the first highly successful rock band to have major hits with their own material. Before them, the only people to do that were in the area of folk or rockabilly. It sounds really weird to hear that nowadays: writing your own songs and performing them? What's so special about that?
The overwhelming majority of Elvis' hits were written for him, and even though a guy like Johnny Cash wrote a good hunk of his own output, about half of his successful songs were either covers or written for him ("Ring of Fire" being the biggest). But the Beatles are the band that, in terms of written songs versus output, have, by far, the most success. John, Paul, George, and Ringo, in other words, made it okay for a rock band to put out their own material using their own words. So, technically, it wouldn't be that far off base to say that when it comes to songwriting in rock and roll, you have the stuff before the Beatles, the Beatles, and everyone after the Beatles. Thanks, guys!
5.) They prove marijuana can have a potentially positive effect. The Beatles smoked their first joints when they met up with Bob Dylan in late 1964 and Paul McCartney has claimed that after that encounter the Beatles' and his personal songwriting style changed. It's true. After that day, Paul went and wrote "I'll Follow the Sun", and if that damn song doesn't touch you you're a heartless bastard. From that point forth the Beatles lost their kid gloves and started tackling heavy subjects like adultry ("Norweigan Wood"), reflection ("In My Life"), murder ("Run for Your Life"), government ("Taxman"), lonliness ("Eleanor Rigby"), drugs ("Dr. Robert"), frustration ("I'm Only Sleeping"), childlike goofiness ("Yellow Submarine"), and abstract experimentation ("Strawberry Fields Forever"). From that one encounter with Dylan, they explored other regions and subject matters and this laid the ground work for...
6.) "Revolver". This is considered by many to be not only the Beatles' greatest album, but the greatest rock album ever. Period. Bar none. Obvious it's all a matter of opinion and choice, but whatever. Every track on this album is a masterpiece. "She Said, She Said", "And Your Bird Can Sing", "Tomorrow Never Knows", "Good Day Sunshine", "For No One"... It's straight ahead, yet experimental, which leads us to...
7.) "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band". This is not an album. This is an icon. Take this anywhere in the world and chances are someone will recognize it. The cover alone is worthy of a doctorial disseration. This is not a song collection that you just put on and tap your toes to, or clean the house to, or drive to. No, this thing requires your full undivided attention. Aside from the Beach Boys' "Pet Sounds" (which was the main influence for "Pepper"), this was the first time that anything associated with rock and roll was also considered "artistic". This made it safe for guys like Frank Zappa (who also influenced the Beatles to some extent - and who later poked fun at "Pepper"'s cover with the Mother's "We're Only in it for the Money" - an album that both Lennon and McCartney reportedly loved), the Velvet Underground, and Pink Floyd secure their standing in the world of rock. Again, thank you guys!
8.) Everything they accomplished was accomplished in four-and-a-half years! Really, the Beatles were around since the early, early 60s, slugging it out in bars in Hamburg and the Cavern Club in Liverpool. They got their record contract in 1962 and released their first single "Love Me Do" toward the end of that year and their first full-length album "Please Please Me" was released the following year. The Beatles said to themselves and their management that they would not set foot in America until they had a number one hit there. Then, on Janurary of 1964, they had that hit with "I Wanna Hold Your Hand". From then on, all hell broke loose. During 1964, the rest of the world took notice, they made their legendary apperance on "Ed Sullivan", and during one week the Lads from Liverpool secured the top five spots on the Billboard Hot 100. No other band in history has had such a successful run in one year, artistically or financially.
And really, even though their last album wasn't released until 1970, and their collections "Past Masters Vol. 1 and 2" and the red and blue albums (1962 - 1966, and 1967 - 1970) were released in the mid 70s and were major hits in and of themselves, the Beatles called it a day, really, in 1969. Name another band that changed the face of popular music, changed the rules of popular music, changed how a band was marketed and accepted in popular music, and is as popular today as they were in 1964.
Exactly.
9.) They knew when to pack it in. Although it sucks, and we can sit back and talk on into the night about what if the Beatles had hung around for a little while longer, we have to give props to the fact that they knew when to walk away from it. They left at their peak and left every band in their wake to pick up where they left off. Few did. The Stones released their best output from 1968 - 1972. Pink Floyd took everything into an interstellar overdrive from 1973 - 1979. We saw the advent of progressive rock, heavy metal, punk, glam, and shock rock... And here's the weird part. All of those genres have bands that wouldn't be anywhere without the Beatles:
Progressive Rock - Yes, Rush, King Crimson. All of them cite the Beatles as their favorite band.
Heavy Metal - Black Sabbath. Ozzy considers the Beatles his favorite band.
Punk - Iggy Pop is the godfather of punk and probably the best frontman ever. The Beatles and the Doors are his favorite bands.
Glam - David Bowie. I think we know who his favorite band is.
Shock Rock - Alice Cooper. Cooper regularly cites the Beatles, Beach Boys, and the Yardbirds as his favorites.
Granted the sound was totally different, but, again, without that influence, without that seed of an idea, none of these bands would've gotten anywhere or even started if it wasn't for the Beatles.
Pretty much anyone successful in the music world owes a debt to the Beatles. In fact, the only person that I know of who is a major success in the music business that has stated in the past that he hated the Beatles was James Hetfield of Metallica. Now, as my dad used to say, everyone's entitled to their opinion no matter how fucking stupid it is. James can believe what he wants, and he's an amazing talent in and of himself. And, let's face it, I love Metallica. Their first four albums are magnificent. But at the end of the day, when the Beatles made a movie, they either made us laugh or entertained us with their music. When Metallica made a movie, Lars and James spent the majority of their screen time crying and bitching and going through pop-psyche evaluations. Laaaaaaaaaaaaaame. Metallica Good! Psychoanalysis Baaad!!!!
So, all in all, we can see that if it wasn't for "Le Beatles" the rest of us would be nowhere, man (tee hee! see what I did there? I'm so cute). In fact, it's a good possibility that most of us would be plucking banjos and singing Froggy Went A-Courtin at the county fair thinking that we were doing something brilliant and worth while.
Again, thanks for saving us John, Paul, George, and Ringo. Those of us with taste and a brain appreciate it.
Mike McHone
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
How to Solve the Health Care Crisis and Make Everyone Happy
Right to Life: How the Healthcare Crisis Could’ve Been Solved in 2003
By Mike McHone
Here’s a quick question I’ve been pondering: why does the right to life extend only to the unborn and people in comas, but not to people fresh out of the uterus or those who have managed to make more than a few trips around the sun? Frankly, I don’t see the logic in it. How can a group say that all people (see: the unborn) should have a shot at this thing called life, but once you’re in it, fuck off, pal, find your own way through this mess.
Personally, I think I’ve arrived at a solution to help us all out. First, if you are a right winger who’s anti-abortion and anti-universal health care, then you no longer get to use the slogan “Right to Life”. If you’re saving someone from an abortion to give them a chance at life, but then revoking any chance they have at sustaining their life, you’re being hypocritical. It would be like giving someone a right to - gee, I don’t know - be free from religious persecution then having a bunch of religious nuts dictate what can or can’t be taught in high school science classes. That’s absurd! HAHAHAHAHA! And, furthermore, it would never happen here, ‘cause, ya know, we have that whole Constitution thing.
And speaking of the Constitution, there are a few words in that thing that says that ALL PEOPLE have the right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”. If we take the right-wingers rhetoric at face value, then, yes, all of us should have a shot at breathing (I’ve been doing it for years and I’ve got to say it’s pretty kick-ass), but it also says we should be free to pursue happiness. Well, how the hell can I be happy when I’m struggling to pay medical bills, or worried about getting sick, or worried about the possibilities of paying for surgery? Seems kind of unconstitutional.
But that’s mincing words. The real problem many right wingers have with universal healthcare isn’t necessarily the fact that it’s “socialism” (you know, like they have over in the People’s Republic of Brittan, and the United Socialist Irish Republic), it’s the fact that their tax dollars might have to pay for it. I can understand that. I mean, I don’t like it when my tax dollars fund things I hate; stuff like bombs, and napalm, and chemical weapons, and… You get the picture.
But what if I told you there was a way to take care of this health care crisis and not raise taxes while doing so? And furthermore, what if I told you we could’ve done it back in 2003?
Strap in. This will be enlightening and infuriating at the same time.
According to the Heritage Foundation the federal government in 2003 could not account for a whopping $25 billion that it spent on… well, you tell me, because the government can’t. Auditors found that $25 billion WAS spent, they just couldn’t figure out on what. Or where. Or how.
Oh, and then there’s the Defense Department, in that same year, that purchased $100,000,000 in airline tickets (to where, it’s unclear) and then never used them. Yep, they were better off just saving time and lighting a $100,000,000 on fire.
But wait! There’s more. You’re gonna love this little gem, again from the Heritage Foundation: “The Army Corps of Engineers is alleged to have purposely rigged dozens of scientific studies in order to justify expensive (but unnecessary) water projects. The federal government loses $20 billion annually by accidentally overpaying the recipients of government programs.” And according to the website, Citizens Against Government Waste (Cagw.org), “The General Accounting Office reported that 40 federal programs administered by 15 agencies paid out about $35 billion improperly in fiscal 2003.”
And how about that $13 billion spent every year on the War on Drugs - $13 billion dollars every year, the majority of which goes to lock up pot heads, 90 percent of whom weren’t in drug cartels, weren’t trafficking, weren’t dealing, but were in simple possession. Yeah, we spend $13 billion every year locking up the real life equivalents of guys that look like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.
And let’s not forget about that whole war thing, where we spend about four billion dollars a week fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq. You remember Iraq don’t you? It’s the place where Americans died who weren’t named Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, or Billy Mays.
So here’s how it could’ve been solved already: Take all the money that had been wasted (or lost, or unaccounted for) on the areas listed above, stop spending tax dollars to lock up Shaggy, couple it with just six months worth of the war budget in 2003, which would equal out to $197.1 billion dollars, and give that money to the uninsured 48 million people in this country. That would mean, every man and woman over the age of 18 would have $6,500 just given to them every year, which they could then use to buy and maintain healthcare policies. Granted, the policies wouldn’t be as great as a lot of others, but it would be something, and better than what they have now, which is, of course, nothing.
But, of course, I know a lot of people would still be miffed that people are getting something for free, but the money was being needlessly wasted anyway, and there was nary a peep about government waste compared to the roar over healthcare reform. With these ideas, everybody could’ve come out ahead, or we would’ve at least had a big head start towards a solution we could all agree upon. And here’s the thing: there’s still time to get it done. And we could take it even farther. You want to talk about government waste? How about we look at the government itself? Did you know that people in Congress make approximately $182,000 every year? Do you know how many days they work in that same year? About a hundred.
Yeah. A fucking hundred.
These are the people that are supposed to LEAD us. They are the ones that are supposed to watch out for government waste and needless expenditures. Obviously, they’re not doing their job. So, perhaps we should penalize them. How about, instead of letting them make $182,000 we cut their salaries by 50 percent. (Gee, do you think they could survive on a paltry $91,000 a year?) What do we do with the leftover cash? Put it into healthcare. Think the Governor of South Carolina should pay a fine for using tax funded planes to sneak off to South America for a booty call? So do I, but where should the fine money go? Put it into healthcare.
The solutions, like government rhetoric, are endless.
So there, righties, healthcare problem resolved. And I didn’t raise your taxes.
Will you shut the fuck up now, please?
I love you,
Mike McHone
By Mike McHone
Here’s a quick question I’ve been pondering: why does the right to life extend only to the unborn and people in comas, but not to people fresh out of the uterus or those who have managed to make more than a few trips around the sun? Frankly, I don’t see the logic in it. How can a group say that all people (see: the unborn) should have a shot at this thing called life, but once you’re in it, fuck off, pal, find your own way through this mess.
Personally, I think I’ve arrived at a solution to help us all out. First, if you are a right winger who’s anti-abortion and anti-universal health care, then you no longer get to use the slogan “Right to Life”. If you’re saving someone from an abortion to give them a chance at life, but then revoking any chance they have at sustaining their life, you’re being hypocritical. It would be like giving someone a right to - gee, I don’t know - be free from religious persecution then having a bunch of religious nuts dictate what can or can’t be taught in high school science classes. That’s absurd! HAHAHAHAHA! And, furthermore, it would never happen here, ‘cause, ya know, we have that whole Constitution thing.
And speaking of the Constitution, there are a few words in that thing that says that ALL PEOPLE have the right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”. If we take the right-wingers rhetoric at face value, then, yes, all of us should have a shot at breathing (I’ve been doing it for years and I’ve got to say it’s pretty kick-ass), but it also says we should be free to pursue happiness. Well, how the hell can I be happy when I’m struggling to pay medical bills, or worried about getting sick, or worried about the possibilities of paying for surgery? Seems kind of unconstitutional.
But that’s mincing words. The real problem many right wingers have with universal healthcare isn’t necessarily the fact that it’s “socialism” (you know, like they have over in the People’s Republic of Brittan, and the United Socialist Irish Republic), it’s the fact that their tax dollars might have to pay for it. I can understand that. I mean, I don’t like it when my tax dollars fund things I hate; stuff like bombs, and napalm, and chemical weapons, and… You get the picture.
But what if I told you there was a way to take care of this health care crisis and not raise taxes while doing so? And furthermore, what if I told you we could’ve done it back in 2003?
Strap in. This will be enlightening and infuriating at the same time.
According to the Heritage Foundation the federal government in 2003 could not account for a whopping $25 billion that it spent on… well, you tell me, because the government can’t. Auditors found that $25 billion WAS spent, they just couldn’t figure out on what. Or where. Or how.
Oh, and then there’s the Defense Department, in that same year, that purchased $100,000,000 in airline tickets (to where, it’s unclear) and then never used them. Yep, they were better off just saving time and lighting a $100,000,000 on fire.
But wait! There’s more. You’re gonna love this little gem, again from the Heritage Foundation: “The Army Corps of Engineers is alleged to have purposely rigged dozens of scientific studies in order to justify expensive (but unnecessary) water projects. The federal government loses $20 billion annually by accidentally overpaying the recipients of government programs.” And according to the website, Citizens Against Government Waste (Cagw.org), “The General Accounting Office reported that 40 federal programs administered by 15 agencies paid out about $35 billion improperly in fiscal 2003.”
And how about that $13 billion spent every year on the War on Drugs - $13 billion dollars every year, the majority of which goes to lock up pot heads, 90 percent of whom weren’t in drug cartels, weren’t trafficking, weren’t dealing, but were in simple possession. Yeah, we spend $13 billion every year locking up the real life equivalents of guys that look like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.
And let’s not forget about that whole war thing, where we spend about four billion dollars a week fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq. You remember Iraq don’t you? It’s the place where Americans died who weren’t named Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, or Billy Mays.
So here’s how it could’ve been solved already: Take all the money that had been wasted (or lost, or unaccounted for) on the areas listed above, stop spending tax dollars to lock up Shaggy, couple it with just six months worth of the war budget in 2003, which would equal out to $197.1 billion dollars, and give that money to the uninsured 48 million people in this country. That would mean, every man and woman over the age of 18 would have $6,500 just given to them every year, which they could then use to buy and maintain healthcare policies. Granted, the policies wouldn’t be as great as a lot of others, but it would be something, and better than what they have now, which is, of course, nothing.
But, of course, I know a lot of people would still be miffed that people are getting something for free, but the money was being needlessly wasted anyway, and there was nary a peep about government waste compared to the roar over healthcare reform. With these ideas, everybody could’ve come out ahead, or we would’ve at least had a big head start towards a solution we could all agree upon. And here’s the thing: there’s still time to get it done. And we could take it even farther. You want to talk about government waste? How about we look at the government itself? Did you know that people in Congress make approximately $182,000 every year? Do you know how many days they work in that same year? About a hundred.
Yeah. A fucking hundred.
These are the people that are supposed to LEAD us. They are the ones that are supposed to watch out for government waste and needless expenditures. Obviously, they’re not doing their job. So, perhaps we should penalize them. How about, instead of letting them make $182,000 we cut their salaries by 50 percent. (Gee, do you think they could survive on a paltry $91,000 a year?) What do we do with the leftover cash? Put it into healthcare. Think the Governor of South Carolina should pay a fine for using tax funded planes to sneak off to South America for a booty call? So do I, but where should the fine money go? Put it into healthcare.
The solutions, like government rhetoric, are endless.
So there, righties, healthcare problem resolved. And I didn’t raise your taxes.
Will you shut the fuck up now, please?
I love you,
Mike McHone
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Sully Sullenberger and the Fucked Up Culture in Which We Drone
So, Sully Sullenberger... Remember him? He's the guy that saved all of those people on the Hudson River when his plane encountered a flock of seagulls (the actual birds, not the fucking band)?
So, anyway, Sully got a book deal and a chance to tell his story. You know, nothing against the guy personally, but I was thinking a few weeks ago, somewhere in the dark spaces between beer sips and ejaculations, of how bereft we are of true heroes in this fucking country. You know what I mean?
Think about it: We've given attention, adoration, and love to a pilot whose career highlight has been CRASHING INTO THE HUDSON RIVER!!
All day long, planes land and take off, land and take off, land and take off, and no one says boo about it, but here's a guy whose plane was taken over by birds and he gets a book deal? Now, granted, I'm sure this would've made for a great scene in a Hitchcock film, but really, folks, come on!
Some pilots almost get their planes taken over by terrorists, they fight back, regain control of the thing, and they're barely a blip on the media screen. This guy got his ass kicked by FUCKING SEAGULLS AND LOST!! This Maverick's skills are writing checks his body and airborne foul can't cash!
But what really rashes-up my taint is the fact that this guy just won't go away! He's been on Larry King more times than Larry King's wife. He's been on the Today Show, the Tonight Show, Jimmy Kimmel, CBS, ABC, NBC, Fox News, but the cherry on top was the fact that he made an appearance at the fucking Superbowl this year. That was just taking it too far, simply because I've lived near Detroit my whole life, and the Lions, in my lifetime, have never - NEVER - made it to the Superbowl once, and they've learned to crash and burn with grace for fucking years!
Warhol once said that we'd all be famous for fifteen minutes. If so, would someone please start winding the damn watch?
I love you all.
Mike McHone
8-20-07
So, anyway, Sully got a book deal and a chance to tell his story. You know, nothing against the guy personally, but I was thinking a few weeks ago, somewhere in the dark spaces between beer sips and ejaculations, of how bereft we are of true heroes in this fucking country. You know what I mean?
Think about it: We've given attention, adoration, and love to a pilot whose career highlight has been CRASHING INTO THE HUDSON RIVER!!
All day long, planes land and take off, land and take off, land and take off, and no one says boo about it, but here's a guy whose plane was taken over by birds and he gets a book deal? Now, granted, I'm sure this would've made for a great scene in a Hitchcock film, but really, folks, come on!
Some pilots almost get their planes taken over by terrorists, they fight back, regain control of the thing, and they're barely a blip on the media screen. This guy got his ass kicked by FUCKING SEAGULLS AND LOST!! This Maverick's skills are writing checks his body and airborne foul can't cash!
But what really rashes-up my taint is the fact that this guy just won't go away! He's been on Larry King more times than Larry King's wife. He's been on the Today Show, the Tonight Show, Jimmy Kimmel, CBS, ABC, NBC, Fox News, but the cherry on top was the fact that he made an appearance at the fucking Superbowl this year. That was just taking it too far, simply because I've lived near Detroit my whole life, and the Lions, in my lifetime, have never - NEVER - made it to the Superbowl once, and they've learned to crash and burn with grace for fucking years!
Warhol once said that we'd all be famous for fifteen minutes. If so, would someone please start winding the damn watch?
I love you all.
Mike McHone
8-20-07
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Hey, Let's Have 18 Fucking Kids and Make a Show About it!
What is the deal lately with women that want to turn their vagina's into clown cars? For Christ's sake, stop that! John and Kate, the Octomom, the idiots on 18 Kids and Counting... Are these people retarded? How can it be a wonderful experience for a woman to push a six or seven pound object through the most tender and precious part of her anatomy EIGHT FUCKING TIMES!?
And where do these fuckers work? How can that twit John afford to have eight goddamn kids? Christ, isn't he emasculated enough as it is being forced to raise a brood of whiny brats, but to slave away at a job just to keep clothes on the little fuckers backs and food in their stomachs... The guy has had to have looked at a bridge and imagined jumping off at least a few times in his life.
But now John and Kate are getting a divorce. And sooner or later John's going to have to start kicking in that child support, and I'm sure that vicious bitch Kate won't let him skate off without cutting her some alimony. After all, she'll tell the judge that she can't possibily work, she can't possibly hold a job, because she's has EIGHT FUCKING KIDS to care for. So, Johnny will be relagated to a dingy, one bedroom apartment while Kate and her massive snatch will have a nice big house all to their lonesome.
Pathetic.
And where do these fuckers work? How can that twit John afford to have eight goddamn kids? Christ, isn't he emasculated enough as it is being forced to raise a brood of whiny brats, but to slave away at a job just to keep clothes on the little fuckers backs and food in their stomachs... The guy has had to have looked at a bridge and imagined jumping off at least a few times in his life.
But now John and Kate are getting a divorce. And sooner or later John's going to have to start kicking in that child support, and I'm sure that vicious bitch Kate won't let him skate off without cutting her some alimony. After all, she'll tell the judge that she can't possibily work, she can't possibly hold a job, because she's has EIGHT FUCKING KIDS to care for. So, Johnny will be relagated to a dingy, one bedroom apartment while Kate and her massive snatch will have a nice big house all to their lonesome.
Pathetic.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Mike McHone arrives
Like the sound of dirty thunder, like a Monday with a knife in its teeth, like your grandma sneaking up on you while you masturbate furiously in the laundry room, I arrive.
This is blog numero uno. And if I like doing it (like sex) it will be the first of, hopefully, many, provided I don't goddamn die any time soon.
Oh, well. Nothing much else to say.
I might, tomorrow, talk of the crap-world of health care and how our fearless leader Changey McChange dropped the fucking ball. But that's for another time. I am tired. Need to slumber.
I love you,
Mike McHone
This is blog numero uno. And if I like doing it (like sex) it will be the first of, hopefully, many, provided I don't goddamn die any time soon.
Oh, well. Nothing much else to say.
I might, tomorrow, talk of the crap-world of health care and how our fearless leader Changey McChange dropped the fucking ball. But that's for another time. I am tired. Need to slumber.
I love you,
Mike McHone
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