Why I Don't Go Out Much Part Two

Actual conversation overheard at Panera Bread.

GIRL: "Why do you watch that show 'The Big Bang Theory'? Aren't you a Christian?!"

GUY: "Yeah."

GIRL: "But isn't that show about Darwin and stuff?!"

GUY: "No, it's about college kids!"

GIRL: "Oh. But still... That title's enough to not make me want to watch it because it denies God!"


Well, I didn't NEED a reason to drink today, but...

Why I Don't Go Out Much

So I'm at Michigan Bar and Grille Friday night after work. Next to me are two older couples having drinks at the bar and talking about recent movies they've seen. The first movie they discuss is "Black Swan".

GUY 1: "Aw, that thing was a piece of shit!:

LADY 1: "Yeah, it wasn't good at all!"

LADY 2: "Really?!"

GUY 1: "Yeah, and, you know, that might actually win some Grammys! I wouldn't be surprised!"

Really? Grammys? I would be surprised. I buried my face in my lemon chicken...

Well, not really.

Then, next up, "The Tourist".

LADY 1: "I didn't like that at all! But I love Johnny Depp!"

LADY 2: "Oh, so do I! I love him in the 'Pirates' movies! What else has he been in?!"

I nearly choked. "'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'! 'Ed Wood'! 'Dead Man', damn it!'" I didn't see "The Tourist" mostly because it looked boring, but for (insert chosen deity's name here)'s sake, if you're going to claim to love an actor shouldn't you know at least a few of the other things he's been in?!

That's what I wanted to say, but I didn't. So, I just drowned myself in beer...

Well, not really.

Next: "True Grit".

LADY 1: "I didn't like that one either!"

GUY 1: "Me neither!"

GUY 2: "Yeah, John Wayne was much better! So much better!"

(Daydream sequence: I break the glass I'm drinking out of and stick it into their juggulars and casually go back to watching the boxing match on TV.)

Then they start talking about their favorite TV shows. They love "Wipeout". It, to them, is the greatest thing on television. They love "Two and a Half Men" and hope Charlie Sheen gets back to work right away.

See, folks, T.S. Eliot had it wrong. THIS is the way the world ends. Not with a bang or a whimper, but with a million average idiots staring hypnotized at their TV screens, drool leaking from their Cheeto-stuffed mouths, with the mild ejaculation of tittering filling the room, like that of a mongoloid staring into a funhouse mirror for the first time in his or her life.

We are doomed. We are doomed one and all.

I Know Why the Caged Sheen Snorts

I just read that Charlie Sheen will chip in and pay the salaries of all the people who work on "Two and a Half Men" while he's having another go at rehab. And then I thought: Why? Why would someone who has almost everything at his disposal, who could get almost any woman that he wanted, who has more money than some third world countries have at their command, wreck his life like this?

And then it hit me: I know why this guy does more coke than Pablo Escobar hanging out at Tony Montana's place while Keith Richards and Slash provide the evenings' entertainment. It's probably because Charlie, through stints of hitting the crack pipe and watching porn, came to the realization that he feels guilty. Not that he feels guilty of letting down the people on "Two and a Half Men", no, he feels guilty because he's on the show "Two and a Half Men".

Seriously, have you ever watched that fucking thing? I've seen jihad execution videos with more belly laughs. If I was stuck delivering shitty lines next to Matthew Broderick-Lite (Jon Cryer), I'd stick my face in a pile of blow, drink a fifth of Jack, and smoke as much crack as I could every goddamn day of my - quote, unquote - life.

And, really, why is it called "Two and a Half Men"? Have you seen the size of that kid? It should be called "Two Guys, a Girth, and a Pizza Place" (that's a shout-out to my man-crush Ryan Reynolds, FYI).

Seriously, as soon as Charlie gets out of rehab, he should skip going back to that septic tank of a show, call up Jim Abrams and make "Hot Shots 3". Maybe Jeff Bridges could fill in for Lloyd since the old man's dead? Could you imagine? Topper Harley and the Dude? That would be... awesome.

But who am I kidding? It'll never happen.

Well, while I'm bitching, I just don't get most other - quote, unquote - "comedies" on the air nowadays. "How I Met Your Mother"? Let's take the least talented chick from "Buffy", toss her next to the least talented guy from "I Love You, Man", and put them next to Doogie Howser and call it "funny".

"The Big Bang Theory"? Unless the four (or is it five? I don't know and don't fucking care) geeks on that show are finally getting it on with that blonde, I call bullshit on the title of this piece of dung.

"Shit My Dad Says"? When the word shit appears in the title, it's a safe bet that the show is - get this - SHIT! Who would've thought that a show based on a fucking Twitter account wouldn't be that awesome? Thanks for ruining Shatner's career, you stupid assholes! The man was Deeny Crane, T.J. Hooker, and Captain Friggin' Kirk, and this is the thing that lures him back to television?! Christ!

"Cougar Town": Never seen it. Don't care.

"Modern Family": It's not bad, but there are two reasons to watch this show and they're both located on the front of Sophia Vergara.

"Parks and Recreation": WHOOOOOOO CARES????????

"Family Guy": I'm going to catch hell for this one from some people, but I don't care. "Family Guy" sucks, in my opinion. I think the breaking point for me was the first Star Wars parody movie, whatever the hell it was called. There's a scene where Peter and Chris are in the gun turrets waiting to shoot at TIE Fighters, and all of the sudden Leslie Neilson pops in. "I just want to tell you both, good luck. We're all counting on you."

A scene from "Airplane!" "Airplane!" was a parody. In other words, they sank to the level of taking a scene from a parody and putting in their own parody. What a bunch of lazy twats.

And seriously, how many times can you reference the same crap? I hope Seth McFarland and Seth Green blow George Lucas on a weekly basis. Without that bearded bastard these two dipshits wouldn't have a career. I'm surprised they haven't changed their names to Sith yet.

"American Dad": sucks.

"The Cleveland Show": see above.

"The Office": the first three seasons were great. But that's it. It hasn't been funny for awhile. And, yes, yes, yes, I know, the British one is better. I get it.

"Parenthood": a funny movie, then a not-funny sitcom, then, after twenty years, a partially funny sitcom. Here's hoping in another twenty years it comes back as a not-funny movie, and then becomes a hilarious sitcom. You keep trying, Hollywood!

"Nick Swardson's Pretend Time": I wanted to like this show. I really did. But, aside from a few skits, I just couldn't. Maybe a retooling could help it, but I doubt it.

"The Tonight Show": Fuck Jay Leno. I hope he dies.

"Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job": The title is exactly like the show - a bunch of fucking nonsense strung together, seemingly edited by mongoloids in an asbestos-ridden basement. The only saving grace this piece of shit has is John C. Reily when he pops in to do his Dr. Steve Brule character. Other than that, fuck this show.


And now, the stuff I find entertaining... well somewhat...



"Robot Chicken": funny, but, again, would ya stop with the "Star Wars" already?!

"Aqua Teen Hunger Force": hilarious once upon a time, but went downhill. Hopefully it'll get better.

"Metalocalypse": Funny. Not really a bad season thus far.

"Community": Funny. But NBC in their infinite wisdom will probably cancel it to make room for "Dancing with the Undercover Idol Apprentice of the Stars".

"30 Rock": Been a little shakey in recent past, but still rather funny.

"Squidbillies": Imagine the Beverly Hillbillies on meth in the bodies of intergalactic mini-Cthulus. Yeah, it's as good as it sounds, and Unknown Hinson voices the main character! Unknown Hinson, by the way, is a vampire that plays rockabilly music. Yeah, it's as good as it sounds.

"The League": Hit or miss, but, overall, rather funny.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia": I was starting to get worried through season four. They still had funny episodes, but not in abundance like they had throughout the first three seasons. Season five, overall, wasn't that great. Funny ones here and there, but rather mediocre. Aside from a few duds, the current season is pretty damn entertaining. And seeing Dave Foley from "Kids in the Hall" in a few episodes brightened my life just a wee bit.

"South Park": 14 years. Wow. Wrap your mind around that. Never really a bad season, some mediocre ones, but overall, if someone called it the best comedy on American TV ever, I don't know if I'd argue.

"The Daily Show"/"The Colbert Report": I don't watch them as much as I used to, but they can still knock it out of the park.

"The Onion Sports Dome": Personally, I think it fits in rather well with "Daily" and "Colbert". But, knowing Comedy Central, if it's not a massive success, it won't last a year.

"The Late Show with Craig Furguson": Always funny. If you can, look up his interviews with Steven Wright on youtube. You'll laugh until pee comes out.

"Conan": Again, always funny.

"Jimmy Kimmel Live": It took awhile to grow on me (like my case of herpes), I'll admit, but I do find the show funny. When Kimmel gave crap to Leno for screwing over Conan, I thought it was almost as funny as Stephen Colbert's roasting of Dubya at the 2006 Media Gala. And the unecessary censorship bits are hilarious.

"Late Night with David Letterman": Sometimes hit or miss, but when your competition it Jay Leno, even a bleeding tumor is funny.

"Ugly Americans": Not bad.

"The Venture Bros.": Funny, but I don't watch it enough to give a full opinion.

"Real Time with Bill Mahr": Mahr can come off as twat sometimes, but, still, I find him funny.

"Curb Your Enthusiasm": Like, "South Park", never a bad season, and never a dull moment. In my opinion, this is the show that "Seinfeld" should've been all along. When J.B. Smoove joined the cast it got even better.

"East Bound and Down": not too shabby. Haven't seen enough of it to give a full opinion, but what I've seen is funny.

"Children's Hospital": Absolutely hilarious. Rob Corrdry ("The Daily Show"), Megan Mullally (the funniest one on "Will and Grace"), Ken Marino (Louie from "The State"), and Henry goddamn Winkler (the Fonz, and "Arrested Development")! It lampoons all of those attractive-doctors-with-personal-problems shows. Thank you, sir, may I have another!?



And, what do I think is the funniest show on TV right now?

"Archer".

Seriously, this show is great. H. Jon Benjamin in the lead, a few of the cast members from "Arrested Development", the funniest guy from "30 Rock" (Chris Parnell), and the writing staff from "Frisky Dingo" and "Sealab 2021". I haven't laughed this much since I saw a heckler punch Pauly Shore in the mouth on stage in Texas. If you haven't checked it out, you should. You'll thank me.

THE DAMNATION LOG OF PUBLIC ANNOYANCE: Tim Horton's is my Hell

Here is a log of my experiences while visiting Tim Horton’s on the night of Nov. 10, 2010. The following is based on a true story...



8:00 – A mom walks in with three screaming byproducts of ejaculation. “I WANT CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! I WANT CHOCOLATE MOM! MOM! MOM!” You get the idea.

8:10 – A guy walks in. He has a newspaper under his arm. He lines his chair with the newspaper. He sits on the newspaper. He drinks coffee while sitting on the newspaper. I simply stare.

8:12 – “YEAH, SO BOYD AND ME WERE GOING DOWN TO THE HALL AND THIS SUM BITCH SAYS TA ME…” No, this isn’t a screaming child from before, this is a 60, 65-year-old man AND HE IS TALKING REALLY LOUD. Too goddamn loud for his own good (and mine). “YEAH, HE GAVE ME A ROLEX LAST YEAR!” “THAT RIGHT?!” That’s his friend. They're both loud talkers. I hate them. Seriously... listening to these two old schmucks... It's like listening to two old douche bags trying to out-douche the other.

8:14 – Meanwhile… “MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!”

8:16 – Mom and screaming pieces of crotch fruit finally leave. Man who looks like Rob Halford wearing slacks enters. He’s quiet. He's calm. I like this man.

8:17 - Newspaper-sitting-fucker starts tapping his foot. For no reason other to annoy the piss out of me, I suspect.

8:19 – Asinine old men finally leave. I love the film “Soylent Green”, have I ever told you that? “Logan’s Run” kicks ass too.

8:29 – Newspaper guy decides to start taking his empty coffee cups and DOES A GODDAMN DRUM SOLO ON THEM WITH PENCILS AND HIGHLIGHTERS. No, as a matter of fact, he is not a good drummer and John Bonham should come back to life and hold him down and shit in his mouth.

8:33 - NOW THE FUCKER IS SINGING TO HIMSELF!!! YES! SINGING! SING......ING! I think he’s trying to sing “Carol of the Bells” maybe. I’m pro-choice, by the way.

8:39 – Now apparently, Newspaper Fuck’s “drum kit” is now a castle. God help me.

8:40 – Rob Halford leaves. I will miss him.

8:41 – Newspaper asshole decides to take a napkin and tries to make a tent out of it on his table. Yes... a tent... If he tries to crawl inside it and sleep I’m going to murder him.

8:45 – A gaggle of squawking teenage girls come in and the sound is something like this: “AOFNDDCOJNDCOINSIOJNNKJWNCIWJVNWIJNCWIJNCWIJCNWIJCNWIJNCWICJNWICNWI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” spiced up with 10,000 likes, ya knows, and ums, ands, OHMYGAWDS!!!! I weep for the future. Actually... No. No I don't. The future might turn into a rabid wasteland, in which case most of these assholes would be blown to oblivion and the thought of that makes me happy.

8:51 – I realize that I would definitely stay away from booze if it wasn’t for all of the other people on Earth. My liver hates you, people of Earth. This is all your fault. Not mine.

8:56 – Gaggle of obnoxious teens leave. It’s quiet. Too quiet. Time to check in with Newspaper Napkin Tent Twat.

8:57 – He’s staring at the goddamn ceiling... Jesus Tap Dancing Christ... If he starts trying to catch snowflakes on his tongue I’m going to cry.

9:05 – He hasn’t. All is well.

9:09 – WHY DO CAPPUCCINO MACHINES HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING LOUD!!??!?

9:13 – Newspaper Obnoxious Ass hasn’t done anything in the last couple of minutes. He just keeps staring at his phone. This is not like him. I’m nervous.

9:18 – He still hasn’t moved.

9:27 – HE KEEPS STAYING QUIET!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM!!! Do something, damn it! Drum! Sing! Crawl into your tent! Something!

9:29 – Ray Bradbury’s doppelganger and an Ann Ramsey look-a-like (the chick from “Throw Mama from the Train”) come in. They’re getting ice cream.

9:31 – Ann has the grossest cough I’ve ever heard. Imagine the Sarlacc Pit dying of bronchitis. It’s like that.

9:33 – I think I might actually throw up and cry at the same time. By Allah's beard! Who leaves the house in that condition!? Seriously... it's like your grandfather gargling a mouthful of cream of wheat whilst in the throws of his death rattle! Why doesn’t Newspaper Douche Nozzle do something to offset the sickness I’m feeling? Please, Jesus, let Newstwat do something to…. HE’S SINGING AGAIN!!!! YES!!!! Oh, fuck! Now he's DANCING to the trash bin to throw away his stuff! ATTA BOY, YOU DANCING FOOL! Let me focus on you to get the dying Sarlacc out of my mind!

9:34 – ALRIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF! God, I hate this fucking guy.

9:35 – Ray and the Sarlacc are leaving. And so am I. I can’t stand this Newsinging Drum Douche any longer. Especially since he's now TALKING TO HIMSELF! Things are going to get weird I fear. He has that look on his face that Nicholson had right before he chopped the door down in "The Shining". I'm fuckin' splittin'.

9:36 – As I walk out, I faintly hear Christmas music drip out of the overhead speakers like the body snot the creature secreted in “Alien”. I realize it’s going to be a long holiday season – the average month in reality; the above-average bullshit subjectively. I leave and aim my car toward traffic and darkness and stoplights and annoyances elsewhere.

A Short List of Other Things the Church Advocated Burning

A Short List of Other Things the Church Advocated Burning

By Mike McHone

Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center out of Gainesville, Florida decided that it would be a good idea to burn copies of the Quran on September 11th. Now, what’s really strange about this is the fact that I thought Terry Jones of “Monty Python” played a good idiot; turns out he’s been usurped.

Burning books is never a good idea (unless, of course, you’re a Nazi, in which case it still isn’t a good idea and you should do the world a favor and die, you moron). The whole business is odd, appalling, shameful, and, let’s face it, on a really windy day it could lead to a fire safety violation and Jesus doesn’t like lawbreakers. But, of course, this isn’t the first time the church has advocated burning things. Here are a few others…


Jews during the Spanish Inquisition
Christians killed the Jews because the Jews wouldn’t convert to Christianity and accept Jesus, a Jew, as the savior. So, just to reiterate, Christians killed Jews because those Jews wouldn’t worship a particular Jew. This is why I drink.

Joan of Arc
They burned her at the stake and then they made her a saint. Now that’s what you call multitasking! (Well, we got a nice Leonard Cohen song out of it, so there’s that.)

People accused of practicing witchcraft
This occurred in Europe mainly. A common misconception is that many – quote, unquote – “witches” were burned at the stake in Salem, Mass. This never occurred. Of course many people were drowned, crushed, hanged, or drawn and quartered, but I digress.

Beatles albums
This occurred after John Lennon said, in a 1966 interview, that “the Beatles are bigger than Jesus Christ”. Technically, John wasn’t lying considering no gospel group ever outsold the Beatles and Jesus never had a number one album. To show you how hypocritical this country can be, no one ever batted an eye when a rabidly drunk Don Henley said, in a 1976 interview, that “the Eagles are bigger than Vishnu” or when Keith Richard reportedly said “Rssssss blaaaaaaph n’gerg nnnnnnn mmf.”

Crosses at night
Now, I'm not saying that all churches advocated this, just a few of them in the south whose faith was so strong in the teachings of love and tolerance in their lord Jesus Christ that they wanted to kindly share it with their black neighbors... and then hang them. Ah, you wacky believers! What will you think of next?!

Eight things that I ponder at 4 in the morning

1.) Why is it called the Miss Universe Pagaent when only one planet competes?

2.) Why are they called the National Basketball Association and the National Hockey League when two countries (Canada and America) have teams playing in each sport? Shouldn't they therefore be called the International Basketball Association and the International Hockey League?

3.) Why are they called Music Television (MTV) and Video Hits 1 (VH1) when there is neither music or music videos on either station?

4.) Why was "According to Jim" on the air for eight goddamn years?

5.) At what age does taking pictures of your kids in the bathtub stop being cute and start becoming child pornography?

6.) If Jehova's Witnesses believe that only 144,000 people are going to Heaven then why the hell are they always out trying to convert people? Wouldn't that hurt their own chances of getting in?

7.) Whelm - (noun, verb) 1.) engulf, submerge. 2.) overwhelm.
So the definition of whelm is overwhelm? Shouldn't whelm just be whelm? You know when you're underwhelmed because nothing is going on, and you know when you're overwhelmed because too much is going on. So shouldn't being whelmed be something that describes normal everyday activity?

8.) If Harrison Ford happened to be driving a Ford in Norway and accidentally ran into Gerald Ford who was also driving a Ford in Norway, and they both ended up in two seperate fjords, would the headline the next day read "Fords Fords in Fjords"?