The Gayest Things I've Heard in Football Commentary This Week: Part 1

Yes, we all know about the lousy officiating, and how some of the coaches and players are livid about the shitty calls made by the replacement refs.

Pictured: Bill Belichick and a retarded person




But have you heard - I mean REALLY HEARD - what the commentators say during a game? If taken just slightly out of context, some of their comments could mean drastically different things.

So this is why I've decided to start a new blog entry dedicated to THE GAYEST THINGS I'VE HEARD IN FOOTBALL THIS WEEK.

And by "gay" I don't mean the derogatory way stupid assholes use it in conversation. No, I mean in the this-dude-sounds-like-he-wants-to-make-sweet-love-to-that-other-dude kind of way.

Pictured: Dude I would make sweet love to.





So, here it is. The first installment of THE GAYEST THINGS I'VE HEARD IN FOOTBALL COMMENTARY THIS WEEK.




FIRST UP: THE DETROIT LIONS/TENNESSEE TITANS GAME, SUNDAY, SEPT. 23

as heard on Detroit's 97.1 FM radio

“You’ve gotta bang that guy off. You can’t let him release like that.” @ 3:25 mark, in the third quarter.

“Calvin (Johnson, Detroit receiver) is beatin’ his jam…! You’ve gotta beat the jam, gotta get your release!” @ 1:14, third quarter

“He’s stiff ramming his way to the zone!” @ :36, fourth quarter

(In reference to quarterback Sean Hill)“He needed 12 inches and he didn’t get it.” @6:41 in overtime




SECOND UP: THE BALTIMORE RAVENS/NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS GAME, SUNDAY, SEPT. 23

as heard on NBC TV

(In reference to Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco) “The quickness of his release (was great). Some guys, five-nine, five-ten, can’t release that quick. But he knows how to use his hands rather well!” – courtesy of NFL commentator Joe Buck (which is coincidentally the name of Jon Voight’s male prostitute character in “Midnight Cowboy”).

Well, that's it. I hope you enjoyed this first installment, you goddamn pervert. Stop by next week for more hot, implied dude on dude action.

P.S. I went an entire blog without using the word "fuck"! My language is starting to...

Never mind.

I Made a Movie About Mohammed and All I Got was this Lousy Jihad

So, a few days ago (on Sept. 11th 2012... and there's something VERY familiar about that date) U.S. Ambassador Chris Stevens and two others were killed in Libya in an attack from Muslim extremists who were upset about some crappy Youtube movie (I don't know what the title is; I'm too lazy to look it up) that portrayed the Islamic prophet Mohammed as a fool and a womanizer instead of the peace loving messenger of Allah that he truly is. So to make this case that Mohammed loves peace and all people, they KILLED CHRIS STEVENS.

Peace. You're doing it wrong.


Now to us non-religious folks killing in the name of any god is like beating the shit out of someone in the name of Superman. Both are fucking stupid. But at least the Superman scenario will sound a lot more entertaining in a court of law.

Unless of course, this guy was the judge.


But be that as it may, a lot of talk is going around the internet: should Obama retaliate against these attacks? The answer: of course he should! Maybe not in a full scale, bombs-dropping-from-the-sky-making-you-shit-yourself sort of way. Maybe it should be just like how we got bin Laden... you know, except not take 10 years to do it. Send a small group of Norris and Stallone imitators in and turn 'em loose!

But maybe without the Stallone porn-stach.


And besides, it works out best for everyone, even the extremists. Think about it. If they're killed whilst in the throes of protecting their religion or preaching their religion or, frankly, oppressing someone else's religion in the name of their religion, then they'll be considered martyrs. And martyrs get a pretty sweet deal in Islam. They get a high place in the afterlife.

You know, it's kind of like how the Klingons think... except the Klingons are much more entertaining. And they'll kill you for much more legit reasons, not because you made a fucking movie or drew a goddamn picture.

And the afterlife martyrs get to cornhole 72 virgins for all eternity. But going along with this idea, I have some questions.

1.) Where do the virgins come from? Are they already there in the afterlife, or are they from the souls of ladies here on Earth? And if so, where are they? Because I've always put virgins in the same category as vampires and unicorns: we all know about them, but they don't fucking exist.

Pictured: Some of the 72 virgins.


2.) After you have sex with all of your 72 virgins for the first time, they cease to be virgins, so what's the sustaining element here? The luster wears off after a little while doesn't it?

3.) And finally, compare virgins to experienced MILFs, and the experienced MILFs win, hands down, every time. If you're going to give someone a reward by way of sex, wouldn't you want that sex to come from a lady that knows her shiznit?!

It's all confusing.

But here's one thing I do understand about Muslim extremism: I totally get why they do it. I don't agree with it. I hate it. I think it's awful. But I understand.

Because let's face it, if I grew up in an area of the world that told me that I couldn't drink beer, eat bacon, and stare at tits, I would totally volunteer to blow myself up in a market place with a bomb.

Or fly a plane into a building.

Or kill you happily. Yes. You. The person reading these words. I would totally kill you. Slowly. With a butter knife. And feel nothing.

But, hey, as long as it's done in the name of peace and for a completely rational reason such as retaliating for a movie that I didn't like, then it's all good, right?