Actual conversation overheard at Panera Bread.
GIRL: "Why do you watch that show 'The Big Bang Theory'? Aren't you a Christian?!"
GUY: "Yeah."
GIRL: "But isn't that show about Darwin and stuff?!"
GUY: "No, it's about college kids!"
GIRL: "Oh. But still... That title's enough to not make me want to watch it because it denies God!"
Well, I didn't NEED a reason to drink today, but...
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A Short List of Other Things the Church Advocated Burning
A Short List of Other Things the Church Advocated Burning
By Mike McHone
Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center out of Gainesville, Florida decided that it would be a good idea to burn copies of the Quran on September 11th. Now, what’s really strange about this is the fact that I thought Terry Jones of “Monty Python” played a good idiot; turns out he’s been usurped.
Burning books is never a good idea (unless, of course, you’re a Nazi, in which case it still isn’t a good idea and you should do the world a favor and die, you moron). The whole business is odd, appalling, shameful, and, let’s face it, on a really windy day it could lead to a fire safety violation and Jesus doesn’t like lawbreakers. But, of course, this isn’t the first time the church has advocated burning things. Here are a few others…
Jews during the Spanish Inquisition
Christians killed the Jews because the Jews wouldn’t convert to Christianity and accept Jesus, a Jew, as the savior. So, just to reiterate, Christians killed Jews because those Jews wouldn’t worship a particular Jew. This is why I drink.
Joan of Arc
They burned her at the stake and then they made her a saint. Now that’s what you call multitasking! (Well, we got a nice Leonard Cohen song out of it, so there’s that.)
People accused of practicing witchcraft
This occurred in Europe mainly. A common misconception is that many – quote, unquote – “witches” were burned at the stake in Salem, Mass. This never occurred. Of course many people were drowned, crushed, hanged, or drawn and quartered, but I digress.
Beatles albums
This occurred after John Lennon said, in a 1966 interview, that “the Beatles are bigger than Jesus Christ”. Technically, John wasn’t lying considering no gospel group ever outsold the Beatles and Jesus never had a number one album. To show you how hypocritical this country can be, no one ever batted an eye when a rabidly drunk Don Henley said, in a 1976 interview, that “the Eagles are bigger than Vishnu” or when Keith Richard reportedly said “Rssssss blaaaaaaph n’gerg nnnnnnn mmf.”
Crosses at night
Now, I'm not saying that all churches advocated this, just a few of them in the south whose faith was so strong in the teachings of love and tolerance in their lord Jesus Christ that they wanted to kindly share it with their black neighbors... and then hang them. Ah, you wacky believers! What will you think of next?!
By Mike McHone
Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center out of Gainesville, Florida decided that it would be a good idea to burn copies of the Quran on September 11th. Now, what’s really strange about this is the fact that I thought Terry Jones of “Monty Python” played a good idiot; turns out he’s been usurped.
Burning books is never a good idea (unless, of course, you’re a Nazi, in which case it still isn’t a good idea and you should do the world a favor and die, you moron). The whole business is odd, appalling, shameful, and, let’s face it, on a really windy day it could lead to a fire safety violation and Jesus doesn’t like lawbreakers. But, of course, this isn’t the first time the church has advocated burning things. Here are a few others…
Jews during the Spanish Inquisition
Christians killed the Jews because the Jews wouldn’t convert to Christianity and accept Jesus, a Jew, as the savior. So, just to reiterate, Christians killed Jews because those Jews wouldn’t worship a particular Jew. This is why I drink.
Joan of Arc
They burned her at the stake and then they made her a saint. Now that’s what you call multitasking! (Well, we got a nice Leonard Cohen song out of it, so there’s that.)
People accused of practicing witchcraft
This occurred in Europe mainly. A common misconception is that many – quote, unquote – “witches” were burned at the stake in Salem, Mass. This never occurred. Of course many people were drowned, crushed, hanged, or drawn and quartered, but I digress.
Beatles albums
This occurred after John Lennon said, in a 1966 interview, that “the Beatles are bigger than Jesus Christ”. Technically, John wasn’t lying considering no gospel group ever outsold the Beatles and Jesus never had a number one album. To show you how hypocritical this country can be, no one ever batted an eye when a rabidly drunk Don Henley said, in a 1976 interview, that “the Eagles are bigger than Vishnu” or when Keith Richard reportedly said “Rssssss blaaaaaaph n’gerg nnnnnnn mmf.”
Crosses at night
Now, I'm not saying that all churches advocated this, just a few of them in the south whose faith was so strong in the teachings of love and tolerance in their lord Jesus Christ that they wanted to kindly share it with their black neighbors... and then hang them. Ah, you wacky believers! What will you think of next?!
Monday, August 16, 2010
An Islamic Center Near Ground Zero!?!? No way, I don't... Oh, wait... There's already one four blocks away? Never mind.
Yeah, yeah, long title, I know, but that pretty much sums up my feelings on this stupid ass non-issue. One thing that I always loved about this culture: Most of us shout until blood pours out of our throats about how we adore the Constitution and our freedom and our First and Second Amendments, but we're willing to throw all of that out of the damn window when a small group of people does something that the rest of us don't like.
As the title says there's already an Islamic Center next to Ground Zero. It's four blocks away and has been there for years. In that time how many "radicals" have they churned out? Zero. How many suicide bombings have they carried out? Zero. How many Holy Wars have they started? Zero.
You know, there are a billion Muslims in the world and approximately 10,000 radical Muslims. So, technically, only .001% of all Muslims want to run planes into buildings and blow their stupid goddamn selves up in marketplaces so they can cornhole 72 virgins in the afterlife. Now, since we're talking math here, let's look at Christianity. Approximately 4% of all Catholic priests between the years 1950 and 2002 have been accused of, convicted of, or under suspicion of molesting, raping, and torturing children. That's 1 in 25. Which means, mathmatically, we should be less concerned about Mulims building an Islamic Center near Ground Zero and more concerned about Catholic Churches near playgounds, schools, and parks.
My God, people, think of the children!!!!
Here's a bitter pill to swallow for most of you: You do realize that the idea of the Bill of Rights is exactly democratic right? Democracy is sometimes less about giving the masses what they want and sometimes more about protecting a minority, even if that minority prays to a different god than you do... Which, of course, the Muslims DON'T pray to a different god than you Christians do. You do understand that, right? Kind of puts a little damper on that whole Crusades thing, doesn't it? I mean, if you're going to declare a war on someone's religion, shouldn't they be worshiping a different guy completely? Oh, well. It's probably all a part of His Divine Plan.
Now I could understand this whole dust up about an Islamic Center going in near Ground Zero if there wasn't already one there already. Or if there weren't already 700,000 Muslims living in New York City alone. Or if there weren't already about 90 mosques within the vicinity of Ground Zero. In other words, THEY'RE ALREADY THERE AND THEY HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING VIOLENT. LET IT FUCKING GO. Either that or we can just go to war with them. You know, since it's worked so well in the past.
You know, if you're Catholic you probably took issue with what I said a few paragraphs ago. That's exactly my intention. If you got offended over what I said, imagine someone lumping ALL Catholics into the categories of child molesters. You'd be extremely offended, right? Now, try to take that offense and parlay it into an understanding of how the Muslims feel about being lumped together with a bunch of assholes who want to kill people in the name of their god.
Until we actually hear back from Jehova (or Yahweh, or Allah), maybe we should stop thinking that our own way of talking to him, giving him money, and killing for him is the only way of going about it.
As the title says there's already an Islamic Center next to Ground Zero. It's four blocks away and has been there for years. In that time how many "radicals" have they churned out? Zero. How many suicide bombings have they carried out? Zero. How many Holy Wars have they started? Zero.
You know, there are a billion Muslims in the world and approximately 10,000 radical Muslims. So, technically, only .001% of all Muslims want to run planes into buildings and blow their stupid goddamn selves up in marketplaces so they can cornhole 72 virgins in the afterlife. Now, since we're talking math here, let's look at Christianity. Approximately 4% of all Catholic priests between the years 1950 and 2002 have been accused of, convicted of, or under suspicion of molesting, raping, and torturing children. That's 1 in 25. Which means, mathmatically, we should be less concerned about Mulims building an Islamic Center near Ground Zero and more concerned about Catholic Churches near playgounds, schools, and parks.
My God, people, think of the children!!!!
Here's a bitter pill to swallow for most of you: You do realize that the idea of the Bill of Rights is exactly democratic right? Democracy is sometimes less about giving the masses what they want and sometimes more about protecting a minority, even if that minority prays to a different god than you do... Which, of course, the Muslims DON'T pray to a different god than you Christians do. You do understand that, right? Kind of puts a little damper on that whole Crusades thing, doesn't it? I mean, if you're going to declare a war on someone's religion, shouldn't they be worshiping a different guy completely? Oh, well. It's probably all a part of His Divine Plan.
Now I could understand this whole dust up about an Islamic Center going in near Ground Zero if there wasn't already one there already. Or if there weren't already 700,000 Muslims living in New York City alone. Or if there weren't already about 90 mosques within the vicinity of Ground Zero. In other words, THEY'RE ALREADY THERE AND THEY HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING VIOLENT. LET IT FUCKING GO. Either that or we can just go to war with them. You know, since it's worked so well in the past.
You know, if you're Catholic you probably took issue with what I said a few paragraphs ago. That's exactly my intention. If you got offended over what I said, imagine someone lumping ALL Catholics into the categories of child molesters. You'd be extremely offended, right? Now, try to take that offense and parlay it into an understanding of how the Muslims feel about being lumped together with a bunch of assholes who want to kill people in the name of their god.
Until we actually hear back from Jehova (or Yahweh, or Allah), maybe we should stop thinking that our own way of talking to him, giving him money, and killing for him is the only way of going about it.
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